Suicidal idealation

[AnonymousID]

The suicidal thoughts are non stop. I have come close to death several times, which was scary but not scary enough to stop me from doing it again. I self harm because I think that's a better alternative than another attempt. I've been stuck in this pattern for as long as I can remember and don't know how to get out of it.

[Croix]

Dear AnonymousID~

Please be patient with me while I offer a thought.

I understand your family gets drunk and treats you harshly, and I understand that alcohol can blunt your feelings for a while. I also understand, as you do, you are not safe, despite what you have said, as you see less and less options.

OK you have in inbuilt love of art. True it has been poisoned by being critical - and then thinking it is not worth pursuing. You have lost an avenue and new vista.

So do you think art is only a one-person activity? The viewer or recipient might disagree. I strongly suspect that all good artists in any media are often unhappy with their work.

If you are a tradesman house-painter you can sit back at the end and feel a job well done. On the other hand for an artistic painter of lilies, or stars or persons that feeling may never come, though the effort in trying to get it 'right' can be absorbing to the extent other things seem trivial.

You know the examples I can trot out, the obvious one is Leonardo, who carted the Mona Lisa around with him for 15 years, tweaking and over-painting. X-rays show his repeated efforts. He was still dissatisfied at the end, but others have found the depths they needed in viewing her.

This may seem a very corny or impractical suggestion - what do you think?

Croix (who is very rarely truly happy with his posts but finds fulfillment in them nevertheless)

[Ggrand]

Dear AnonymousID,

If it’s okay I would like to talk to you..

The past month I have been in a very dark place...SI has been continually popping up in my thoughts...Why our minds want to destroy us...is something I will never understand...I don’t think even the professionals really understand it....I do know they try to...and they try to help those struggling with it...

I have for the past month trying to get through this on my own....My last appointment with my counsellor I caved in, broke down crying and disclosed my SI thoughts...but assured her I was safe as they are only thoughts and I wanted to just go home.....I was taken home by my care worker...

I am now awaiting voluntary admission to hospital, which will be this coming week....Do I want to go to hospital NO!....Do I want help YES!....ask yourself if you want help..I know your answer is yes....because you are here...reaching out for help...

Anonymous..you walked into a hospital for help...but anxiety made you walk back out....You are saying you are safe now..but not sure if you will make it through next week...You’re mind is in survival mode trying to fight the SI...Now is the time to reach out for immediate help....I am gently urging you to do so...if you feel unsafe....call 000...if you are feeling safe but trying hard to fight the SI....Please reach out to your Dr. or therapist for help....Because you are very much worth it...and life can get better once those unhealthy thoughts are stopped...Please believe in yourself...try hard to have faith in the professionals who want to help you....put your trust in their guidance and care for you...and believe that you can be in a better place...

My very kind and caring thoughts..

Grandy...

[AnonymousID]

I told me friend I had plans because I thought she would understand. She got upset and blamed herself. I told her I wasn’t going to do it anymore and at the time I thought I was telling the truth. But now I know I was lying. I still feel suicide is the only way out. I just feel even worse that I’m going to hurt people

[Guest_4643]

I know the feeling but suicide isn't the way out. Believe me I know how hard it is fight the thoughts and urges and to stop that black and white, negative train of thinking. But it isn't. It's a permanent solution to temporary problems. Lots of people will miss you, including your friend, and family by the sounds of it. And we would here although this is anonymous, but we still would. We care for you.

Please call 000 if you feel like you're going to do something you'll regret.

[Sophie_M]

Hi AnonymousID, 

We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling suicidal at the moment, and feel as though suicide is the only way out. Those feelings/thoughts must feel so uncomfortable to sit with. We're glad you expressed yourself here so that you can get some support. 

There is a lot of support out there and you do not have to go through this alone. As Grandy expressed, life can get better once those unhealthy thoughts are stopped. 

You are so valued on our forums, AnonymousID. Please look after yourself and take advantage of the following support options:

• Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
• In overwhelming moments, please get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 
• Suicide Call Back Service are also available via chat 24/7 through their website https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/ 
• Lifeline also have an online chat option available https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat 
• Our Support Service is available via webchat from 3pm-12am AEST via this link www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport and by phone 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.  Our counsellors can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please feel free to reach out to us for support as you see fit, AnonymousID, we are here for you. 

[Guest_1643]

take care of urself anonymous id

it sounds like ur friend took it personally which really she shouldn't... but.. sigh... ppl are so uncomfortable talking about suicide they often can't just listen. good on u for trying to be open with her.

i hope u find someone u can tlk to who will not react in a dramatic way but who can just sit with these things. i know how hard these feelings can be. and how tiring. thank u for updating us how you're going.

[AnonymousID]

I just hate myself so much and thinking I deserve to feel like crap. I think that people shouldn’t have to put up with me anymore and that I am a constant negative drain on the people around me. I am bringing everyone else down and people are just blaming themselves for my actions. I think I just need to get it done and over with and rip off the bandaid. Prolonging this isn’t helping anyone

[Sophie_M]

Hi AnonymousID,
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Sounds like it is really tough for you right now. Please remember you are not alone - there is always help available. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, we would recommend that you contact a crisis service:
•             Lifeline – 13 11 14
•             Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467
 

[Guest_4643]

Hey AnonymousID. Nice to hear from you again.

I'm really sorry you're struggling. You don't deserve to feel like crap, I know it's easier said than done to not think like that though, trust me. But you deserve good things, good emotions too of course. You're fine, it's ok to vent and it's ok not to be ok. You're not a problem to put up with at all. You haven't bought anyone down. Please stay safe and contact a helpline if you need to.

[Ggrand]

Hello Anonymous,

I can hear in your words that you doing it hard and struggling so much with depression...and I am really sorry..

Please...can I gently urge you..like the other beautiful people are...to reach out to one of the contacts that our lovely Sophie has given you.....

Depression is an illness...just like a broken bone needs professional help to fix it...so does depression....If you broke a bone in your body...you would I’m sure go to your Dr..to have it seen professionally....If I could I would come and pick you up and take you to a professional, unfortunately, we cannot..none of us can...all we can do is to talk to you, give you some gentle suggestions and our care and support.... Please AnonymousID..I know it’s hard to reach out to your Dr..or one of the help lines Sophie has given you...but please try as hard as you can...because you are very much worth all the help and care in the world..

Depressive thoughts are just that thoughts...you don’t have to act on them...you need some help in understanding why they are with you...and help to remove them...professionally this can be done.....On your own...it’s too hard to quieted these thoughts....Please try very hard to reach out to the people trained to help you...

Every tomorrow is a new day and is the place where hope lives, and we want you to give yourself a chance to find that hope, share space with that hope... to rest in it, to dream within it because you deserve it.

I think your friend must care a lot for you....but doesn’t understand....people who don’t have depression...well they can’t understand and it’s scary for them to hear that their friend has plans to end their life...How would you feel if your friend said to you...that she wanted to end her life?I think her blaming herself for the way you feel..is probably the only way they can stop you from carrying out your plans...Just my thoughts..

Talk here anytime you feel up to it..

My kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy..