I don't really know where to start. I have always struggled with feelings or thoughts of how it would be better if I did commit suicide. But it always goes back to my sister I would hurt her. This past week I have been struggling I cannot get back for a special event due to border restrictions. I was seeing a guy who then just ghosted me. I turn 36 next month and all I want is to start a family. I feel like the hatred I have towards myself turns anyone away. I feel so sad but I can't express it and I feel trapped with these thoughts then getting louder. Distraction at night is not working resulting in me not having slept in days. Any advice or just people to tell me this will change is appreciated
It's nice to hear from you.
I'm really sorry to hear you can't be in Europe with your sister. I understand you care a lot for her and would want to be there - I am sure she is understanding, but it can still feel bad to not be there. Will you be able to video call at some point?
It's hard to find ways to release our emotions. Some people like to talk about them, others keep a diary. Personally, I find it easier to manage by doing things like walking at night and just being in mentally quiet places. It's not a release of emotions, but maybe finding more space for them. I used to get quite noisy in my head, and I found places that were just quiet. Have you tried anything similar?
How are you going?
It sounds like there's a lot of internal life questions which is very normal, but can be really challenging. Personally, I find it exhausting and sometimes I just need a good mental break as we've been talking about.
Have you had much of a chance to go for any walks or other distractions?