Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[hellohi]

Some days I pray to god to take me. I am sick of many things in my life. I can't change anything and I'm drifting away from the things I used to like.

Everyone gives me this weird look and avoid me because of my ugliness and overweightness and that makes me feel worse. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I always see this monster with an extremely ugly face.

I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel anymore because they have many other stresses on them, or they will say something rude to me and not understand me, and I don’t want to add this to their emotional backpack.

To be honest I don’t feel belonged, not in school, friendships or family. No one likes me, everyone has a problem with me, I do too.

I pretty much always stay at home all day, my life is repetitive and it gets pretty boring and discouraging.

But this is how I feel and I trust you to share this with you and sorry for wasting your time with my posts.

[Sophie_M]

Hey hello, hi, We're so sorry to hear how defalted you're feeling today. We can imagine how draining it would be to have these thoughts and feelings about yourself. Please know that you’re not alone in this  and you're certainity not wasting anyone's time. Our community is here to work through this difficult time with you.
 
We are concerened about your wellbeing and are currently contacting you through email with support.

Please continue to check back in with our community when you feel up to it. 

[white knight]

HI Neeja

Today my wife and I started building a garage. The first thing I did after dinner was log onto beyondblue and the first post so searched for was yours! So you are not wasting our time as Sophie said.

The half glass full/empty view is an interesting one. You see a glass half full, or is it half empty? If you see it as half empty then you are likely a negative thinker, half full is a positive thinker.

That theory carries on in everything you do, everything.

So day a student suddenly, for the first time, calls you names. The positive of that is that you won’t ever try to make her a friend, your valuable time isn’t wasted! What about staying home all day being bored? Well for a positive person they might imagine what it would be like to get the Covid-19 virus.so how lucky they are.

What if you arrive at a bus stop and you just missed it? If you are negative you’d be upset, feel useless. As a positive person you’d think about spending 20 minutes on your homework or watching a Maharaji Prem Rawat video I recommended. Because nothing will change the fact you missed the bus. You can’t undo that.

I hope you can see what I mean. Aaronsis is right, your parents love you but they are in a bad frame of mind Atm.

Google

Magda Subanski

I might have got the spelling of her surname wrong but it will come up. Watch a video of hers. I love her!!

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Which Magda Subanski video should I watch?

My school counsellor told me I was a negative thinker, but it is hard to be positive, knowing the fact that I don't belong anywhere. And due to this, I hate myself and I can't concentrate on many things anymore.

I understand that you are wanting me to think about the positive side of things. But it is hard.

Thank you TonyWK for your replies

[smallwolf]

Hi.

It sounds like you have had a difficult time of late. With what you have gone through, being a negative thinker would be normal. And from everything you said it would take some time to change those thought patterns. But you have come here and posted, met some people her via their responses and starting a new journey - this is a positive.

Rather than pick on one topic from your post to reply to, I want to ask you this.... out of everything you have mentioned and those you might not have as well, what is the one thing that is most important for you?

the other thing to note is that thought are just that - they are only thoughts and do not define you. There are ways to deal with these thoughts and I wan you to know there are people here that care about you and will support you.

Listening to you,

Tim

[white knight]

Hi again,

smsllwolf has made come good comments there and an important question.

As for videos of Magda- any comedy video or her commitment to the gay marriage movement. As you know she is a large lady but she puts that aside, accepts herself and is positive no matter her challenges.

There is a saying “I felt sorry for myself as I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet”

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Hi

I feel like the most important thing is acceptance for me. From my family, friends, other students and other people. I am sick of the way people treat me, my parents hardly ever understand or support me and we have never had a proper conversion, at times they have made fun of my weight and insulted me, my friends make their plans of going to places right in front of my face, rubbing in the fact that I can't go and other people, they avoid me and make it so obvious. In year 6, people called me 'forehead' because I had a huge forehead and so many times little kids have called me fat, kids hardly ever lie right? I feel like if my looks will change, I will be accepted by others not avoided.

But here in beyondblue, I actually feel like that I have people to talk to and they don't have to see me or know me very well to do so, this is something I'm very grateful for.

The one person who I felt accepted with, was my grandma and I can't spend time with her and when I went overseas to meet her 2 years ago, I wish I spent more time with her and now that guilt of not spending enough time with her, becomes a barrier for me to talk to her. I want to send her a letter like Aaronsis said but I will need to tell my parents as I need her address and my mum will get annoyed, she doesn't like my dad's side and my dad doesn't like my mum's side.

Due to this, these thoughts occur up, but these questions stop those thoughts: what if I misunderstood people, what if later things will change, what if I can find a better solution than, you know, going away?

Neerja

[hellohi]

Wow that is a powerful quote, “I felt sorry for myself as I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet”

I have read Magda Szubanski's other quotes, she is a talented person, she is a comedian, an author, film actress and a performer.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Neerja

What you are requesting from life is not unreasonable at all, not at all. To be accepted, to be treated with respect and to be valued and included. Now, sometimes we do have to teach people how to treat us, this does take some courage, especially when it does include a confronting conversation. When your family put you down you can turn around and say "please stop saying I am fat or making comments about my weight, I find it hurtful and I would like you to stop". This is perfectly fine to say. You could also say to your mother and father that you would like to sit down and be included in conversations, you can even start by including yourself in conversations that they are having, providing it is not a personal one between them. With regards to friends, you can say, "hey I am free that day too, do you mind if I tag along?"..now I totally understand all this does take strength and courage, but once you do it once you will feel a sense of achievement, and you can do it again and again, even if you are met with rejection, that is fine too, you keep going as you are making people aware that you do want to be included and you do have a voice and an opinion.

You are worth it hello, hi...and one of the greatest things you can do on your journey to loving you is start making people treat you how you would like to be treated, you deserve respect, if they cannot give it to you then this too is a note to you, perhaps a new choice of friend is in order.

The fact you are carrying weight does not mean you deserve to be disrespected. I too am carrying weight, does this make me not worthy of being included in a movie night or a trip to the shops (not at the moment tho)...no it doesn't.

To the other point, I would approach the parent who's parent your grandma is, say that you would like to send her a card and you would like to have her address. I think this could be your first exercise to getting your voice and showing people what you want. There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with requesting her address. Just because the relationship with your grandma and your parents is somewhat fractured, this is no way has anything to do with you and you do deserve the right to have a relationship with your grandma should you choose to. Then you can write when ever you like and let her know how you miss and love her, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this in my opinion, what do you think?

Chat some more soon

Sarah xx

[smallwolf]

Two strains of thought here...

#1. What is stopping you for asking for the address of your grandma from your parents to send her a letter. Not many people write letters these day and I am sure if she received one from you it would be really appreciated.

#2. I am sure you are good at some things. Are you good at school? Or video games? Or writing? What have you overcome? Goals? Tell me some of your strengths? Will come back to acceptance a little later.

Looking forward to the your reply,

Tim