Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[hellohi]

Hi,

I have tried to talk to my parents about how I feel about the way they treat me and how I feel about my weight, but they didn't understand, they said that I am being too demanding, lacked respect, I am spoilt and I am too old to be included or to be shown affection.

with my friends, I have tried to tell them that my parents don't let me go out the house, but they didn't understand and scoffed at it, now they don't bother asking me anymore. our communication is less than it was when we first became friends last year. Some days I would just go to the school gym alone to play basketball.

I have one friend who doesn't brag and sometimes we text but she has her own friends outside of school. Most of the time we hang out at school breaks and unfortunately, we are always in different classes, as that has had an impact on our friendship.

But, i think i will ask my dad for my grandma's address, i totally agree with you.

The way people treat me, makes these thoughts of going away get triggered.

Thanks for your reply,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi,

• I am scared of what my mum will think, my mum doesn't like my grandma. But after what Aaronsis said, I will ask my dad for her address. I think I should write her a letter as I don't feel comfortable calling.
• I don't know what I'm good at. For school, I need extra help so my parents send me to tutoring. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up.

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hi Neerja

I am so sorry if I have triggered you in anyway with all this talk of the way people are treating you, that was not my intention, merely to express to you ways in which you can request respect from your family and also to be included by your friends. Please let me know if you want to hear my thoughts on how to manage the situation with your parents as I don't want to upset or trigger you, we are here to care and support so I want this experience here to be comforting not the opposite.

I am so happy to hear though that you are going to ask your dad for the address, I think he too will think it is wonderful that you want to send your grandma a card, even if he cannot express those words to you outright. Your Grandma is going to really love a card in the mail and to hear from you, this is really kind and loving of you are is really a credit to your beautiful character.

With regards to knowing what you want to do when you "grow up", I can tell you I am 45 years old and I still am figuring that out. I have found in life we start off in a place and we explore and go in different directions depending how we like the work, the people, some people know what they want to do from very young, they study and they stay in that field for their life, everyone is so different but there is no rules. I have found that there is so much pressure for the young adults of today to "know", I feel like "why", just do the subjects you enjoy, do them well, put in an effort and do the very best you can, if that is a C or a D then fantastic, you know you gave it your utmost best, that is all we can do in life, our utmost best. Some are better at school than us, we are better that others at say sport or craft, we are all different and while it is hard not to compare, it is great if we can accept we are all different.

I think it is great you have a tutor, it means you are getting the support you need in a subject, not that you are hopeless. It is wonderful your parents are providing you with the support you need for your education. Try not to take on the pressures on "what will I do when I leave school", just do what feels right now, try your best and the path will reveal itself.

Chat soon Neerja and hugs to you

Sarah xxxx

[hellohi]

Hi,

I really appreciate your replies.

I would like to hear your thoughts on how to manage my situation with my parents.

Hugs to you too. 🙂

Thanks again, you have made me feel lighter.

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Fantastic to hear Neerja,

Well as I said before, this is just my opinion and how I would and do manage people when they dont treat me with the respect I need in my life, as everyone is different, what works for me and what I say may not feel comfortable for you but you can soften it up if you feel more comfortable, the thing is just saying something, to acknowledge that you are not accepting that behaviour, and just because they are your parents, with all respect, this is not a ticket to be rude, mean or disrespectful.

You said in your other post:

I have tried to talk to my parents about how I feel about the way they treat me and how I feel about my weight, but they didn't understand, they said that I am being too demanding, lacked respect, I am spoilt and I am too old to be included or to be shown affection.

Asking for respect is not demanding in my opinion, you have every right to say "when you say X, I feel like X, so please stop saying that to me as I find it hurtful". There is nothing, absolutely nothing disrespectful about that and age has absolutely nothing to do with being included, shown affection or treating people with respect, this is basic human decency. I understand that they are your parents, however, it is a two way street, if they want respect from you then must show you respect.

If they don't listen, keep saying it, if they say you are too old for this talk, keep saying it, if they say you are disrespectful, keep saying it. No one makes you feel worthless, hopeless or like a failure, even more so the people who are supposed to love and support you. You ask Neerja, you keep asking for this behavior to stop...I think the message will get through that you are not going to be treated or spoken to or about like that.

As long as you are direct, not rude, do not yell, you keep calm and request the way in which you want to be spoken to then there, in my opinion is absolutely nothing wrong at all with this.

Can I say if my kids called me out on a behavior, while I would be horrified I have offended them, I would be so proud they are speaking up.

Mostly every one needs to feel affection, that they are loved and treasured and respected, age, sex, race, how much you weigh, what your hair colour is...have NO barrier on this.

We care so much about you and I hope you can find your voice to stand up for you Neerja, you matter and you are worth it and I believe in you.

Hugs and more hugs

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah, 🙂

many times I have tried to tell my parents that I want to be included, accepted and shown affection by them. But they never understood me, they always say something more insulting or rude to me after I have tried to tell them. A few times, I have yelled back because its something I can't control, whenever they something I keep quiet but sometimes I can't do that and that leads to me flipping my lid and making things worse. I am sick of the way they leave me out and the lack of the consideration they give me, but maybe I am not the right type of daughter for them.

Today, my mum directly said that if they divorce, she is not taking me. That proves that I am not the right type of daughter for them.

Before I meant that the pressures from family, friend and schoolwork trigger these thoughts of going away, you didn't do anything to trigger these thoughts, you have actually made me feel like someone will listen to me and a bit better from the first post.

Thank you so much for your replies and believing in me.

Neerja

[white knight]

Hi Neerja

keep going with this process here... Aaronsis is guiding you wonderfully. anf you are doing well!

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Thanks TonyWK

The kindness, support, advice, details in replies and time you gave me really means a lot to me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. 😊

[Aaronsis]

Hi Neerja

It is really hard and hurtful when we don't feel included, that when we talk we are shut down or worse ignored or made to feel that we are worthless and don't matter, I am really sorry that this is happening to you. I would however, stick to your journey of asking for respect and just keep on telling them, even if they refuse you just keep on demanding it. I think the other part is that trying to keep a cool head and not flipping out, will help too, the moment we lose control the situation becomes escalated and then we feed off each others frustration and before you know it the situation is heated and people are saying hurtful things that are not meant.

I am so very very sorry to hear that you feel that you are not the right type of daughter for them, it does hurt but you know what, with some support and perhaps some counselling you can accept who you are and maybe even accept that it is ok not to be the right type of daughter for your parents. I know that might seem really strange but it is ok, you are you, and to me you seem a wonderful person. In life we do not connect with everyone, we really don't and we are all different and we have to find "our people" the people who do accept us for who we are, who love us for who we are, we do hope and maybe even expect this from our family, that is not always the case. As hurtful as it is, it is.

You mentioned that your mother said to you that if they divorce you will not go with her, can I ask if she said this in a moment of anger and in the heat of an argument? She may not have also, but if that is the case then you are able to move with your father. I know you were worried should this happen you would have to choose, maybe she is taking that pain away from you, in the only way she knows how. There could be more to her thinking than we know.

I am not sure of your age, nor do you have to tell me however, I am not sure if finding your own place is an option, or if moving in with friends or other family is an option either. I am so sorry you have this worry.

Do you have some hobbies Neerja? Are there some things that you enjoy doing that bring you happiness? I have a really big cat sitting on me at the moment who is loving this attention, do you have any pets?

It is your time to shine Neerja, to develop your fighting spirit and find out who you are and what you stand for. You are a wonderful person and I can sense a real caring and also courageous side to you.

Chat to you some more

Hugs

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi,

I think it was a moment of anger, as I couldn't help her clean up and i told her that i need to do my school work, because I am falling behind in all my subjects. This is because I don't have a quiet place to study as my little brother makes a lot of noise and my parents don't bother telling him to leave me alone for a bit so I can finish my work. I feel like education is the only way to be independent as I will be able to get a job. Before I have never fallen behind in school so much. But now because I have to work at home all the time and it is always so loud. I am kind of stressing out about school.

My mum wants everything to be perfect all the time so she won't ever give me my own room (we have two empty bedrooms in my house) or let me have any pets. I remember WhiteKinght saying that pets love and accept you unconditionally, so I kind of want one. but it will be hard to look after because I will need to work at home and look after a pet and my brother at the same time. But how many pets do you have? I know this person who has over 50 pets.

I'm 14 years old so I can't find my own place to live, as I don't have close friends or other family members.

I used to love to play basketball and draw but now I have lost interest in it, I don't know why. Also, due to coronavirus, I can't play basketball, and I have to do a lot of schoolwork at home so I hardly find time to draw anymore.

Neerja

Hugs to you too