New job is making me suicidal

Lighthouse-keep

Hi everyone,

So, I started a new job 2 months ago and unfortunately, I feel it has drastically impacted my mental health.

I'm alone 7 hours per day and my older male co-worker is very inappropriate (including continuously touching me when speaking and placing his arms around me). The workload is minimal and I'm often left with very little to do. I'm used to consistent work in fast-paced environments.

I have made 3 suicide attempts since working here and I feel as though I need to leave this position. I just feel guilty about it because I'm still on probation. I work as a medical receptionist and have a solid resume, so there is some comfort in knowing there are plenty of jobs in my industry.

I do have a psychologist and he is aware of all of this. He supports the idea of me leaving the job, but I'm still conflicted about it.

Croix

Dear Lighthouse-keep~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum. I'm very glad you came as being driven to try to take your life is seriously worrying and I hope be being here you may see things differently and get to enjoy a better life.

If I understand you correctly you are on probation in a new job, the actions of your coworker are distressingly inappropriate and in fact the work itself is not what you want.

First let me say I found out that no job is worth my life, anymore than any job is worth yours. Probation is a two way street, it is easy to assume it is a way for the organisation to measure your performance, which is true, however it is also there for you to measure the performance of the organisation -and is has failed just about as badly as is possible. You really have no obligation at all to remain there.

As you say there are other jobs and you are well qualified to gain one, also that you have very sensibly been seeing a psychologist, who is advising you to leave too. I do hope you told him about your attempts as without knowing the full situation assistance is not as effective (Yes it can be hard to tell it all)

I too tried to take my life as a result of my job, but later looking back well after I was no longer there I realised how much harm it had done me, something I did not realy understand at the time. Leaving was the best thing that could have happened.

I'm sure this experience has been preying on your mind and at times you may feel overwhemed, even if you leave. Can I suggest a free smartphone app called BeyondNow. You prepare it in advance and simply reach for it when life becomes really bad.

Inside, apart from the things you would expect in any Safety Plan is a section called 'things I can do for myself'. Here you put down a list of things that you have enjoyed or have distracted you in the past.

It can be quite a difficult tihng to make that list, as when you are down nothing seems to fit, however you may find someone to help you remember. Its important to be very specific, like saying 'listen to "Paint it Black" by the Stones', not just something vague like 'listen to music'. I found that when my brain was full of everything bad and hopeless I was not able to make decisions - so everything had to be exact.

I have a long list, which includes my pets, listening to music, watching comedy on YouTube, talking about ordinary things with other people, reading part of a favorite book and more. I'm sure you list will be different as it reflects you.

Trying to face al this alone is very difficult, do you have anyone in your life who is on your side, who you can talk frankly with and who will realy care?

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

therising

Hi Lighthouse-keep

I completely agree with Croix, the probation period is a two way thing. It's a chance to gain a sense of whether the job's for you or not before you're permanently employed there. Taking it back a step further (at the interview stage) if the interviewer had said to you 'Okay, are you prepared to work in a stressful environment that is going to significantly impact your mental and emotional well being and are you prepared to be regularly hugged and touched by a male co-worker?' would you have accepted the probationary position? I imagine the answer would be 'No'. You could say that you were never given the heads up regarding the full nature of the position. It was on them to be transparent and they weren't.

With the male co-worker, one of two things is going on. 1)It's all completely innocent and they're not fully conscious of how uncomfortable this is all making you feel or 2)They're fully conscious and gradually testing the boundaries when it comes to how far they can go. Either way, if you choose to stay, the boundaries need absolute clarity. If continuously pulling away from them is not enough to send the message, the boundary needs to be spoken out loud and not laughed off by them. Inappropriate touching is no laughing matter. Any workplace employee or manager is 100% aware of the laws unless they've been hiding under a rock. It's common knowledge and has been for years. To push someone away while saying 'I'm someone who likes my space, please respect that' should be enough to send a message. If the message doesn't get through, it needs to be even clearer if you choose to stay.

Btw, I can understand what it's like when the 'people pleaser' is chatting away up there in our head with stuff like 'Don't do/say that, it'll make that person feel uncomfortable' or 'Don't rock the boat, you'll be seen as difficult' and stuff along those lines. The question in this case is 'What would the intolerant upstanding part of you say?'. Maybe something along the lines of 'What are you doing? You shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour. It's time to no longer tolerate it'. Sometimes we have to start tapping in more to the intolerant part of us, the part that pushes us to stand up for ourself. Not always easy, that's for sure, especially when the people pleaser in us has been running the show for years.

therising

Hi Lighthouse-keep

Something else I should have mentioned is if there's a part of you insisting 'you can't live like this...' or 'this is no way to live...' it's worth adding 'there is another way to live'. If that means resigning from the job as soon as possible, go for it. Don't give it a second thought. Start looking for that other way to live.❤️