Negative thoughts pls go away! :(
I had used to have gay thoughts since around 1 or 2 years back for a period of time, however I tried to overcome those thoughts by praying to buddha daily, as I am a Buddhist. Even though I managed to overcome them, there was this thought that I ever had for a few days, which indicates that I am destined to be gay. I don't even understand why I had this thought even though I know that I am not gay, as I had tried to experiment myself before.
It had triggered my panic attacks, as I had suffered since last year November, when I was preparing for my university exams, and my panic attack has been there for me ever since. I even considered seeing a psychologist as I felt that I could not take it anymore. My panic attack was partly due to stress and it has affected my social and daily life, as I had suffered from panic attacks now and then. I ever tried to counter those stress by taking deep breaths and pray to buddha about it, but it's just that this so-called thought (destined gay thoughts) was the final turning point that had triggered my panic attacks, which made me unable to take it anymore, as I tend to worry a lot unnecessarily.
To be honest, I can’t stand being gay now and then I thought of telling my friend and family about this story, but I was afraid of being discriminated as they may get the wrong idea. I was wondering whether it is true that I am destined to be gay. I hope someone can enlighten me on this please.
I can hear that you are really struggling with these thoughts at present. I’m wondering if it would help to chat to someone outside your family if you feel a bit uncomfortable to discuss it with them. You can get a referral from a GP to a psychologist under a mental health care plan. You could try looking for psychologists online who specialise in sexuality. It would be an opportunity to also mention the panic attacks and look at ways to work through them and it might help understand better why and how they are being activated.
There is a section on this forum on sexuality and gender identity which may be helpful. Even if you are thinking you are not gay while having these confusing thoughts, there may be people there going through something similar or other readers who may then post.
I am not a Buddhist but I used to attend meditations and talks by monks at a Buddhist centre. The head monk there has a very open mind on sexual orientation and is fully accepting of people of different orientations. So I know some Buddhist perspectives now are looking into these things.
I know of people who have been certain they’re heterosexual subsequently go through a period where they start to question it and feel differently. I don’t think this is unusual at all and just part of the spectrum of humanity. There may also be helpful podcasts out there on the topic (obviously stick with ones you actually find helpful). I’m not knowledgeable on the LBGTQI+ resources out there but I’m sure there would be a few options for obtaining info and guidance.
I think the most important thing is to be accepting of yourself and kind to yourself. You are very normal in questioning your sexuality. Some people don’t have a clearcut single orientation of gay or straight and it’s increasingly being recognised there are many forms and patterns of sexual orientation - bisexual, pan sexual etc.
If it helps, I’ve had panic attacks too, in my case trauma-related, and I have recovered from them now. It’s something you can definitely get through with the right support. See if you can direct accepting, loving kindness to yourself as inner conflict and struggling alone can set off panic attacks. Sharing your feelings with someone you feel safe with can help. Take care and hope you’re doing ok.