Dear Jtang1189
I can hear that you are really struggling with these thoughts at present. I’m wondering if it would help to chat to someone outside your family if you feel a bit uncomfortable to discuss it with them. You can get a referral from a GP to a psychologist under a mental health care plan. You could try looking for psychologists online who specialise in sexuality. It would be an opportunity to also mention the panic attacks and look at ways to work through them and it might help understand better why and how they are being activated.
There is a section on this forum on sexuality and gender identity which may be helpful. Even if you are thinking you are not gay while having these confusing thoughts, there may be people there going through something similar or other readers who may then post.
I am not a Buddhist but I used to attend meditations and talks by monks at a Buddhist centre. The head monk there has a very open mind on sexual orientation and is fully accepting of people of different orientations. So I know some Buddhist perspectives now are looking into these things.
I know of people who have been certain they’re heterosexual subsequently go through a period where they start to question it and feel differently. I don’t think this is unusual at all and just part of the spectrum of humanity. There may also be helpful podcasts out there on the topic (obviously stick with ones you actually find helpful). I’m not knowledgeable on the LBGTQI+ resources out there but I’m sure there would be a few options for obtaining info and guidance.
I think the most important thing is to be accepting of yourself and kind to yourself. You are very normal in questioning your sexuality. Some people don’t have a clearcut single orientation of gay or straight and it’s increasingly being recognised there are many forms and patterns of sexual orientation - bisexual, pan sexual etc.
If it helps, I’ve had panic attacks too, in my case trauma-related, and I have recovered from them now. It’s something you can definitely get through with the right support. See if you can direct accepting, loving kindness to yourself as inner conflict and struggling alone can set off panic attacks. Sharing your feelings with someone you feel safe with can help. Take care and hope you’re doing ok.
