I'm tired, traumatised and been depressed for so long I don't know anything else.

[Carmen02]

I've been depressed since I was about 8 years old, officially diagnosed at 12 and it never went away I'm 22 now. I suffered from abuse during my childhood and grew up in an unstable and unsupportive household from both parents, won't go into too much detail as it's uncomfortable to think about. I don't know, I'm just tired of feeling numb and empty.
I dissociate and feel like I live outside my body, I don't remember things that happen, days blur together. I'm trying to study nursing so I have something in the future, but studying is so impossible at the moment, especially when I can't even get out of bed or shower so I'm barely scraping by, and only getting attendance through being online in bed. I have a partner who I live with and he's wonderful, we both struggle with mental health but it displays very differently for us, so somehow it sort of gets us functioning in a weird way when we work together if that makes sense. I try really hard for him, to get better and not show how much I'm struggling because I know it really impacts his wellbeing when I'm in my lows. I love him and don't want him to be sad which is why I haven't done anything yet. I want to try and build a future with him, and be healthy with him, but everything I try doesn't seem to work. I've been to many therapists, none of which has actually helped me.
 I've tried medication which has actually done more harm than good for me, I've done every single mindfulness, meditation, art, music therapy, hobbies which I can't seem to find interest in anything. I've even dabbled into spirituality because I was so desperate for something, but I just can't believe in it. I feel so bad, and want him to be okay, but I'm worried I won't be able to stop myself from negative thougths;  if I continue like this for much longer. 

sorry if this was a complete nightmare to read, my thoughts are running everywhere and I just needed to get that out somewhere. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Carmen02,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others, many will understand some of what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult things have been for a long time and we are so sorry that this has been your experience.
 
It sounds like you’ve taken some really good steps in trying a range of support options. It’s incredibly difficult when treatment doesn’t have any quick answers, and it can be a really difficult journey. Your ability to continue to try new options after several setbacks is a huge strength. All we can do is encourage you to take even the smallest of steps each day. Reaching out here is one of those steps! The days that you get out of bed and go to work are huge steps in and of themselves, too.
 
It is great that you have a supportive partner who you feel can understand you. If you ever want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. You can also speak to them on webchat here. 
 
Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.  

Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Carmen02,

Thank you for sharing your experience and welcome. I can hear that things have been a major struggle since you were very young. You show great insight into your situation and you are still young at 22. I am 49 now and I was 35-36 years old before I even knew what dissociation was and fully understood it had been affecting me my whole life. But if it’s any encouragement I have found over the years, especially since developing this awareness, that I have increasingly experienced periods of groundedness where at least part of the time dissociation has taken more of a back seat and I’ve become increasingly consciously aware of patterns within myself and have made some progress in transforming those patterns. Like you I grew up in an unstable family situation and I know that can make things very challenging.

 I understand the frustration with therapy. I had a number of very average to bad therapy experiences before I found a therapist who was a good fit. If you can find someone who is a good fit and is attuned to you it can be very healing. Early life stress/trauma is often relational and so such trauma needs to be healed relationally. A trusting therapeutic alliance with the right therapist can be restorative, allowing the parts of us that didn’t get to develop the way they should have in childhood to do so in the therapeutic relationship. I know the process of trying different therapists in itself can be exhausting and demoralising when it doesn’t work out. But it’s very important to recognise this is not your fault and you just haven’t found the right person for you yet. Perhaps searching for someone who specialises in developmental trauma/childhood issues may help? Even ringing and talking with a potential therapist can give you a sense of the person and if they’re someone you might gel with. Sometimes we find other guides too who are not therapists but people we meet along the way we can learn from.

While I was still in the wilderness of not having a stable, good therapist I did a lot of reading of books that related to early life trauma and Complex PTSD which I am now diagnosed with. I’ve also watched/listened to free online seminars, summits, conferences, podcasts etc relating to these topics and still do that now. Bit by bit I have been putting the pieces together of my past and finding paths to healing. A book I started reading in 2016 and I’m returning to again now is Pete Walker’s “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. It can be a good companion if you are currently lacking a therapeutic guide in relation to developmental trauma.

Basically I hope you can know that you are not alone and there are helpful resources out there. I’m glad you have your partner. I understand too that you are trying hard to cope yourself as you want him to be ok. I think many of us do that - we try so hard not to burden others with our own struggle. But it’s important we are able to offload somewhere and I think that’s where an external source of support such as a therapist, speaking to helplines or coming to a forum like this can be of benefit. I have called The Blue Knot Foundation several times who specifically assist people with complex/developmental trauma from childhood and I can recommend them if you need someone to chat to. They are available 9am - 5pm eastern states time on 1300 657 380. They talk for 40 minutes, sometimes 30 if busy and you can call them once a week. And the BB helpline is there 24/7 too.

I know things can feel so overwhelming at times, but there are sources of support and it can just take time finding the right things for you. I think when depressed a lot of things feel ineffective too. Feel free to post further if it helps. Sometimes just venting out how we feel is part of how we begin to shift and turn things around.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray