Out of Options

[Eli886]

Hey just felt like I needed to get this out there somewhere. For the past 8 years I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression and the only thing I can think about is killing myself. I know that my mental illness is not my fault as it runs in my family but this does not make me feel any better. I have tried so hard to rid myself of these feeling yet no matter how hard I try nothing works. I’ve been to counselling which didn’t help, I’ve change jobs, tried making new friends, doing exercise pretty much any sort of help that is recommended yet nothing seems to change. I am so tired and have lost any and all hope that I will get better. I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends as I am tired of putting up a front and do not enjoy doing anything anymore. I am so lost and feel as if I am out of options. The only choices I see left are to either keep living feeling like this or to end my life. I know that my family care about me and would be upset if I ended my life but this does not make me feel any better, if anything it makes me feel worse knowing that I have to suffer for the sake of other people’s wellbeing. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Eli886,    

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how much you are struggling and how exhausting it must be to feel this way for the past 8 year, we’re so sorry that’s been going on.  We’re reaching out to provide you with some options for support.  

We know you've probably seen these resources before but we want you to know that you are not alone with these feelings are we are always here to listen. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.    

It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).    

It can be frustrating when you feel like you've tried everything and have put so much effort into feeling well again to no avail. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Was it a good counsellor or mental health professional? Or was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative? Or was it something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind. We know you've probably tried it all before but you never know when you'll find the thing that helps. 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings, there are many stories on here of others who felt the same way as you who were able to find some relief. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.     

Kind regards,     

Sophie M 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

firstly, I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I hear you. It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot for a long time, and I can't imagine how exhausting that must be - and tough, especially when it feels like nothing you try makes a difference.

Feeling like you're out of options can be really overwhelming, but I want you to know that there are people who care about you and want to help you through this - even if it in the space of the forums here. It's totally OK to feel tired and lost, but please know that there's still hope for things to get better - one thing that helped me is to look at it all as a journey up a mountain (never ending) and when we go down into a valley, that the valley itself has a end, and then rises again, and when we rise up again, we may find an alternate path. And while it may feel like it, we are not as the low as the worst time. And there are time, when I have described a valley going into a cave or tunnel. And plod along in hope of getting to the other side.

Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to ask for help. Whether it's reaching out to a therapist, or a trusted friend or family member, or even calling a support hotline, there are people who want to listen and support you. You deserve to find peace and happiness.

Take care of yourself, and remember that there's hope, even on the darkest days.

Listening.

[therising]

Hi Eli886

I wish I was there with you, giving you the freedom to fully express yourself while we wonder together about all the things that challenge you. Depression and anxiety can be such tough things to manage alone. When you've got no one seriously wondering with you, being left alone to wonder 'Why am I suffering so much?' can feel so heartbreaking and hopeless.

Took me decades to realise all emotions or feelings are telling, every single one of them. The only way I can get rid of the feelings I face is through figuring out exactly what they're trying to tell me. Once I figure it out, as a consequence such feelings leave because they've got nothing left to tell. Certain feelings or emotions are not always easy to figure out, which is why I rely on people to wonder with me. One thing to be cautious of is people who love to begin a sentence with 'You just need to...'. Whether it's 'You just need to get over it', 'You just need to stop over thinking things', 'You just need to get on with life', 'You just need to stop being so sensitive' or something else along those lines, I figure none of that's helpful. It can be more productive to ask (in regard to those statements) 'What exactly are my hurdles that I'm desperate to 'get over'? How do I need to begin thinking and/or how do I master not thinking, when I need to be thoughtless or thought free? How do I need to get on with or co-operate with life? What even is 'life'? How do I become more sensitive in productive ways? How do I come to my senses in ways that are going to serve me?'. There are definitely elements of wonder, investigation and philosophy when it comes to mental health challenges.

With mental health and over all well being, I've found it's a matter of precisely what works, for me. While certain strategies can be proven to work for the general population, a lot of that may not make a shred of difference for me. My positive triggers are precise, very specific to me. Yours will be very specific to you. Not your fault no one around you can find them. Perhaps they need to be wondering more. While we could be left asking 'Why does nothing seem to work for me?', the answer could be 'I am a one in a million kind of person and that's not my fault'. Finding people who tick the way we do can become part of the challenge, people who we can relate to, people who've found what works for them and, in turn, what may come to work for us.

While you mention 2 options, would you consider a 3rd? I've found a 3rd option involves coming to see our self in an entirely different way, like never before. While being a gal who's struggled with high sensitivity, I was eventually led to question 'What if I'm not broken, what if I'm highly sensitive but no one has shown me how to master the ability to sense so easily?'.  While highly sensitive people will sense a lot of the same stuff (what's depressing and what's not, what's stressful and what's not), highly insensitive people just don't get it. For a start, they typically don't like to wonder all that much. Wondering whether you've found highly insensitive people would much rather make closed minded statements, as opposed to opening their mind to wonder. Highly insensitive people can be rather questionable, with possibly the #1 question at times being 'Why can you not feel for me?'. Can't but help but wonder whether you a Highly Sensitive Person (a HSP).

[Eli886]

Thank you for your reply it means a lot. A lot of what you have said has definitely resonated with me. I understand what you mean about being a sensitive person as early on whenever I would express my feeling it would be meet with a ‘you’re just being sensitive’ or ‘you’re just a overly sensitive person’ and whilst this may be true I feel as if I have internalised this as a bad thing and I have labelled my feelings as wrong or shameful. I think I still have a lot to learn and need to start searching for the things that work for me. Thank you for your advice and taking the time to help. 

[therising]

Hi Eli886

While 'You're too sensitive' used to really lead me to feel down on myself for being 'weak' in the eyes of the people who'd say it, these days I've come to make light or fun of it. I have fun with it. When someone says to me 'You're too sensitive', my response is often 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense what you just said to me'. I can sense or feel a degrading comment, an antagonising one, an insulting one, a depressing one, a stressful one, a dismissive one and on it goes. Personally, my favourite comments are inspiring and soulful ones. I love the feel of those and l love how I sense them in such a heartfelt way. People have the choice to break our heart or lift it. I love how lightheartedness and soulfulness feels.

I've learned to make light, I've learned to wonder (why people say and do what they say and do), as opposed to taking their words and actions personally. I've learned to channel my intolerant and sometimes sassy self, as a way of having fun with what could otherwise feel like heavyhearted comments from others. I've learned to become more challenging, more openly questioning. While once I would have felt the comment 'You're too sensitive' as depressing, now I wonder who says that kind of thing to a person. While I may reach a conclusion, I have learned to seek confirmation while wondering out loud, which on occasion could sound something like 'Can you not feel what you just said to me? Is it because you're insensitive? Is that why you can't feel your own words or is it because you have no filter? Can you not feel the need for a filter. Personally, I can feel your need for a filter'. As I say, sassy, challenging, wonderful (full of wonder), confronting and so on. And you know the most amusing thing I find, the thing that most insensitive people have in common? When you challenge them, they suddenly become incredibly sensitive. 'You can't say that to me! Why are you being such a b***h?!' etc etc. They do get super sensitive at times. Insensitive people really don't like you to wonder at them, out loud. Try challenging one and you'll see what I mean. Insensitive people are a funny bunch. 😁