My friend is dead

[Slipperyfish]

So. Thursday night my friend took her own life. Due to Covid I haven’t seen her in over a year although we do communicate often. Well did communicate. I knew she was struggling mentally, heck we both were. But now she’s gone and whilst I’m sad. Like I’m truly heart broken. I’m also jealous. I’m jealous she doesn’t have to deal with life anymore and the emotional rollercoaster we are all expected to ride on. I also feel guilt. Because maybe I could have done or said something to stop it. But who knows. Right now I’m just really trying to get my head around the fact that she’s gone, yet I’m here still facing the daily struggles. I almost feel relieved for her. Because now unlike myself, she’s free from pain and suffering, yet I’m expected to keep putting one step in front of the other. It just sucks.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Slipperyfish,

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Thank you for reaching out here during this tough time - it's important that you take care of yourself and reach out to others, especially in this painful period of loss. Please know that even in difficult times like these, there is always hope, and things can always improve. 

It’s concerning that you are struggling daily. Can we ask if you are currently accessing mental health support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you consider making a safety plan for yourself. You can do this with the support of a mental health worker, and you can also do this online at “BeyondNow suicide safety planning” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
However, please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

You may also want to check out the ‘Recently bereaved by suicide’ page on our website: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/recently-bereaved-by-suicide

We're really glad that you reached out here tonight. We hope that you can find some comfort in the support from our online community.

 

[Croix]

Dear Slipperyfish~

Welcome back, I've read your struggles over the past few years and know life has handed you a very hard row to hoe. By now I hope your legal matters have been resolved one way or another, incidentally reporting to police was very brave. Also your leg and ankle giving you less hassles.

Just when you were stating to find some relief at work Covid closed things down and you have had to rely more upon your own resources

It is sad to see anyone take their life, and can be terribly hard when it is someone you like and had as a friend. Even if you did not talk she was still there. Now it seems your life is smaller, and if you wanted to vent or discuss something she is gone, as is listening to her problems too

Whenever someone takes their life it is for their own reasons, and nobody can take the blame for it, not matter what had been happening between you. Even a falling out or argument, which I suspect is not the case here, cannot be seen as something to blame oneself about, those are a normal part of life and hurt, and can be dealt with.

If a person wants to take their life you cannot prop them up by yourself anyway, no person can. It takes a whole load of people, those that are close, true, but also importantly a medical team plus surprisingly a bit of help by the person themselves.

Yes you are left to plod though each day, if I remember right you had a good and sympathetic councilor or therapist, you also had the understanding of you boss. Has any of that changed?

I remember you saying "I’ve survived so far, I must have strength hidden inside me somewhere!". I think anyone would have to agree, you have coped with all those things that have happened in your life up to now and am sure you will again. Going day by day, facing each new problem, but also seeing good thngs too, wins by you being part of it.

Apart from medical persons is there anyone in your life you can talk with, who will just listen and care - not try to fix? I found when my partner died being able to lean on a freind was a blessing.

Fortunately they were patient as I would say the same things over and over again - it helped not to be alone.I'm afraid my psychiatrist got the same thing, but helped in time to put it in perspective and see the new things happening around me.

Please have a think, looking back over all that has happened to you, what do you think are the things that have helped you get though?

You know you are welcome here anytime, we care about you.

Croix

[Slipperyfish]

Thank you so much for your beautiful message. I’m so sorry I’ve not responded sooner as I’ve been a bit off the grid.

my legal battles are still on going and I dread everytime my phone rings but the tribunal (for my VoCat claim) have approved some funding for counseling so I’m seeing my therapist weekly - sometimes twice a week - which is great but it’s very draining. I feel like there is never enough time to achieve anything in an hour and I build myself up and prepare to do some processing work to try and help me get some sleep at night but then another shitty thing will happen and we end up having to talk about that 😞

my knee and ankle are definitely on the mend but still not 100%. But I manage quite well which is great!

I made it back to nsw for my friends funeral and it was a lovely service. I know it’s not my fault that she took her life but as I count the hours of each day I still can’t help but feel jealous of her. She’s at peace and not dealing with life anymore and sometimes I honestly feel ready to throw the towel in. But I’ve got my beyond blue safety plan on my phone and that seems to some what help!

also something that I keep doing is sending emails to people and not physically remembering sending them. As in I seem to email my counselor in the middle of the night and I have no memory of doing so. And the emails are always so hard to read because it’s like I don’t write in English and all the words jumble up. But you can generally read between the lines at what I’m trying to say and it’s always so sad and depressing. She’s stoped responding to the emails now and waits to tell me in person what I’ve sent because it’s honestly so embarrassing. And it makes me feel so ashamed because I just can’t remember. Then I feel like I’m loosing my mind and then I get stuck in this big epic shame spiral. Anyway. Sorry I’ve gone off topic.

but I really appreciated the response. I honestly feel so alone in the world so much of the time, it’s nice to feel loved and cared about

[Sophie_M]

Dear Slipperyfish,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Croix]

Dear Slipperyfish~

You mentioned emailing persons when you are down, also that some might not make much sense or you forgot you did them. This is NOT a cause for shame, it is a very sensible thing to do, being in isolation will never help, and even just the act of writing will help remind you there are others around, you are not alone.

So you are in distress and tired, so you may not get the words out right, or may forget doing so, I can't see that as being anything major. Just accept when you are in that position you may not do things well, in the middle of the night I can't and don't post for that and other reasons even if awake.

The idea that once osmeone has passed away they are in peace is an old one, however I've found there can be too much peace, as well as too little. When invalided from my vocation and just sitting at home it was terrible and simply made me more suicidal. When I went on to become an educator I felt completely different, true there were hassles, but overall it was enjoyable, productive and I took pride in doing it well.

I strongly suspect you friend took her life to stop certain things from happening -probably thoughts. Not out of a desire to die. I'm glad you had the opportunity to go to the funeral, I don't say "goodby" as she will always be part of you, and the longer the better the memories.

With your BeyondNow, it is a listing that does need to change from time to time as mine does. I'm not talking emergency numbers, but simply the listing of things you have enjoyed or gave you a lift.

I hope we talk again

Croix

[Slipperyfish]

Thank you for being there.

[Croix]

Dear Slipperyfish~

I can sympathize with your fear of the phone. I did too, and was equally afraid of my mailbox.

These were a hang over from my ex-work and had usually brought news of difficult or -plain bad instructions, news and criticism. This was later reinforced by daily calls from a close relative that had been bereaved far too early in life.

So the phone ringing brought all to the fore. Similarly that walk to the mailbox at the bottom of my drive, dreading the possible contents.

Funnily enough the mailbox was easy. I love to read, and also am into computers. So I'd order a second hand books or a component part. Nothing expensive, in fact I found a place that sold decommissioned library books from the US cheaper than I could buy them s/hand here. Similarly the bits and pieces, not too often - maybe one item per fortnight..

By the time my house was full of books my trips to the mailbox took on pleasant anticipation. No fear left.

The phone was harder, but even here I tried much the same tactic. I had a very good friend who every day or so would ring up, not for a chat, but to tell me a joke, or demand I told one instead. Preparation for this plus the genuine enjoyment of the closeness and humor gradually leached away the effects of my ex-job.

The legal hassles will come to an end, one way or anther, and that will bring relief and the knowledge you are not the sort of person that meekly gives in.

As for me being here -of course, plus there are others, you are not alone. Why not have a look at other threads when someone is bereaved by suicide and see how they have felt and ultimately managed?

It might take you a while to find them but I'd think it would be worth it, especially if you could join in.

Croix

[Guest_4643]

Hey Slipperyfish.

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Please don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong, and you tried everything you could. Unfortunately it sounds like they were really struggling and couldn't be saved. You did your best, I'm sure deep down they appreciated it, but just wanted the pain to end. I'm sorry you feel the same way they did too, please stay safe.

I'm sorry they were struggling a lot also.