maladaptive daydreaming symptom and suicidal thoughts

[Giggyy]

I have been suicidal for what feels like my whole life and I daydream a lot to cope, almost constantly - I dream about just being happy and loved, it’s very addicting and my real life is going down the drain. I have autism, I know I will probably never have the connections and relationships I dream about, so dreaming about it is the only way I can experience it - to have to snap out of it and realise I will be lonely, unlovable and ugly for the rest of my life hurts more than anything and it terrifies me. I feel like daydreaming is the only thing that keeps me alive, I can talk to someone who cares about me and comforts me when I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown (which helped me stay safe in the past)... a person who doesn't exist. If I stop im scared I’ll want to kill myself ill be so alone, but if I keep going I’ll kill my future and then it feels like i will have no choice but to. 

Im ok for now, but scared for my future. Im young so maybe i can change and make things better but im scared its too late - other people my age are independent and doing well but im behind

I dont know what to do, just wanted to talk 😞 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Giggyy,  

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way, and we really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now.  Please know that you are never alone with these feelings and sometimes we cope with the feelings the best way we know how which can include escaping through daydreaming.
 
Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? In the meantime, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Giggyy,

It’s so good you have reached out here and I hope it helps you to feel less alone. I can somewhat relate to what you write as I often feel outside the world of people and instead have found comfort through an internal imaginary world. I presented with autistic-type symptoms as a child and still have some of them now, but have not been formally diagnosed with autism. I also used to work with kids with autism who are some of the most sensitive, intuitive and amazing people I have met. In my case I have complex trauma and a lot of the challenges I have link to that, but I think many people on the autism spectrum have some trauma too in struggling to exist in a neurotypical world.

I can tell from your ability to express your inner world here that you are a deeply feeling, sensitive person. I hope you can know that the future is open for you, especially as you are still young, and there can be possibilities for greater connection with others. It’s sometimes just harder for some of us but not impossible, and often there are pathways for connection we just haven’t found yet. I have found it easier to relate to animals than people and feel safer with animals. I’m not sure if that’s something that you have experienced or looked into? Sometimes connecting with an animal first can be like a pathway into connecting more with the human world, whether it’s a dog, cat, horse or whatever animal you feel an intuitive connection with. Animals can be very accepting of you and don’t have the complicated layers that humans often build up. They have a beautiful openness.

 I think don’t worry about where others are at who are your age. You are uniquely you and that is ok. There will be some qualities that you have that others do not, and particular sensitive insights you have because of the challenges you have faced.

Sending you support and care and feel free to reach out and chat further if you want to.

[therising]

Hi Giggyy

Eagle Ray offers you a beautiful and comforting truth from a relatable perspective. How to see, feel and manage reality outside of the imagination can be such a challenge. Some of the struggle can come down to the imagination being so incredibly inspiring and so vivid, while being such a perfect place to be in. The real world can be such a different story at times, that's for sure.

I bet you have the ability to do what not everyone can do. Not everyone can get into their imagination in the blink of an eye. Some folk actually go off to meditation classes to learn how to meditate through their imagination (guided meditation). They need guides to get in there. It can take some guidance and quite a lot of time to get in. Myself and my 2 kids (20yo daughter and 18yo son) can get into our imagination with a 2 word prompt and that is 'Imagine this...'. The mind springs open, ready to imagine. I can relate to what Eagle Ray says, my kids are sensitive, highly intuitive and amazing people. They blow my mind at times. Btw, my son received a level 1 autism diagnosis earlier this year. He seriously struggles with staying out of his imagination, as it's so incredibly amazing in there. Wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't doing year 12 this year. He struggles intensely with focus.

Visiting to bring something back to reality can be next level stuff. Personally, I have a couple of different meditations for gaining a sense of guidance, especially when I'm feeling really down. My 'Sage meditation' has me walking through a forest where I come to a little cottage. There's a sage inside who resembles an elderly wizard kind of guy. I ask for advice and hear what he says or sometimes I'll look around the cottage to see if there are clues to what I'm struggling with the most. One time I found dozens of clocks on the wall which actually pointed to my serious struggle with time in that period of my life. I thank my sage before returning through the forest back through a gate and into reality. My other meditation involves me imagining this beautiful angelic creature. While we sit on a stone bench together under a trellis covered in cherry blossoms, we chat about my struggles. Sometimes the issues behind my struggles and the solutions to them can be seen in the little pond in front of us, sometimes they're seen in a book that he opens and sometimes I hear his advice through loving words of divine guidance. Next level imagination involves smelling the forest and the cherry blossoms, hearing the sounds of the gravel path under my feet or the wind in the trees, feeling the fall of the blossoms on my cheek or the warmth from the fireplace in the cottage etc. The thing is...I always have to come back out of my imagination. I can't stay there and live in reality at the same time. As I say, the challenge is to go in and come back with something that's going to make a difference. In and out, like breathing.

Sometimes becoming a master of imagination can involve finding someone who can guide us or mentor us in how to use it, this incredible gift that was given to us at birth. Such a guide can also be instrumental when it comes to how to imagine differently while we're surrounded by depressing people who only lead us to imagine the worst. This way, we become a seer of the best way forward, as opposed to a seer of the worst. I imagine you to be a seer with so many untapped abilities. 💖

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. It's a big deal to open up about this, and I'm here to listen.

Using daydreaming as a way to cope is OK. It can provide a temporary escape and comfort. You deserve real connections and relationships, and there maybe ways to work towards that? I wonder if there are any support groups in your area you oould perhaps join to make friends?

It's not too late to make changes and create a better future. Everyone's journey is different, and it's okay if you're taking things at your own pace.

Remember, you're important, and there's hope for a brighter future. Listening ...