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[Sair309]

Tonight I'm so lost. My husband and I separated in jul- still in the same house though. And honestly it's probably 100% my mental health that has caused that. I'm so scared that one day I'm not going to be able to fight anymore. I truly believe that my daughter will be better off without me. Truly. I don't want to mess her up and cause her the pain that my parents caused me. Even though she is my everything and biggest reason to stay here, she's also a reason I think I should go. And that scares me. I think if I prep for it enough I can ensure that she always feels loved and doesn't believe it's her fault and has an understanding of how hard I fought. But the thought of her heartbreak still stops me. But I'm so worried that one day that will be too strong.
I don't know how to cope. I have a high pressure job that seems to be the only thing keeping me afloat. Without my job I have no self worth, it's the only time I feel somewhat competent in my life and I do important work. With a separation I don't know what the future looks like. I need to book in for supports but don't really know how to do that. I don't have the time and I know that sounds stupid, buy I really don't. I'm also really terrible at getting help when I need it. I struggle to make the call, really struggle. My husband used to help with this this obviously that's out now. I feel so guilte I had and vowed never to let happen. I feel like a failure and so much shame. Also knowing that it's my mental health that would have caused it. All me. I don't know how I'll even feel remotely ok anymore. I feel like I can count in my hands the number of times I've felt actual happiness in my life so have gotten used to just feeling ok, but I can't even see a way back to that. I feel so so so sad and empty.
My thoughts of suicide have increased so much and I considered calling the ambulance or driving to hospital tonight. But I don't know what they would do. I've never ever been completely honest about the level of my suicide thoughts due to fear of repercussions. I'm also stuck in a year long cycle of self-harm. I don't know how to talk to anyone about it because I'm so embarrassed. It's the only thing I can do that helps me cope at the moment and sometimes I don't even realise
I don't know how to get myself out of this. I'm too embarrassed to share woth anyone exactly how bad it is

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sair309,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so glad you had the courage to post here tonight - we understand it can take some courage to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling for such a long time with depression and anxiety. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment. Please know that with some time, and the right treatment and support, things can always improve. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

We're sorry to hear that you've been struggling seeking help through the online chats. We would recommend booking in an appointment with a GP to get a referral for some support. We understand it's tough to do this when you're time-poor - some GPs offer telehealth appointments which may make it easier. We would urge that you do take the time to get help.

If you would first like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We can hear that right now does not feel like the right time to make a phone call. However, we are concerned about you and your safety and wellbeing. Please do take steps to keep yourself safe tonight if required. If at any time you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and 000 (triple zero) should be contacted.

Thanks again for reaching out here. Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

[geoff]

Hello Sair309, can we please offer you a warm welcome and truly understand how you are feeling, so can I just send this off to you and will continue, we have your back and want to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Sair309, with separation it is difficult to know what's going to happen, simply because the future is undecided, whether you begin to enjoy your life by yourself, or your daughter enjoys a peaceful time with you, rather than a disrupted life before this decision to part ways, so, please remember you need to adjust to this.

You are not any failure at all and please never lament or think that way because if there is anything that's possible, that's something which is positive and I'm sure your daughter would be included in this.

It's virtually impossible for a mother and daughter who have been close to hide how you are feeling when you are pretending, so to ring 000, either the police or the ambulance is important to take you to hospital for your safety.

Maybe the reason why you haven't contacted somebody is that 'you don't know what to say', perhaps if you can write down on some paper what and how you're feeling and then just hand it over to whom you need to talk to, this breaks down when you are asked 'what can I do for you'.

Please get back to us.

My best.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sair309

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so pleased you managed to post here and allow us to help and support you. A marriage separation is always painful and difficult. I left my husband of 30 years because I could no longer tolerate him. Perhaps it would be better for all of you if he moved out of the house. It must be hard to be constantly in the same place as him and yet not cope with your life.

Those who are thinking of ending their lives do not pay much attention to family members and friends. I know because I have been there. I would be more worried about you if you did not mention your family and the effect your death would have on them. So take heart, you have not reached the end of the road.

What worked for me may not work for you but it may help you to find your own solution. I found the only way I could get through the day was to give myself mini goals. I would say to myself "OK see if you can manage the next half hour without harm. Do I have to go somewhere or do something? Well you cannot harm yourself until you have completed that goal." In a way that sounds silly but it did give me some structure for the day and blocked (to some extent) the bad times and thoughts.

I knew I was playing games with myself but it did help. At the same time I had lots of thoughts about leaving this life and I did get to the stage of not 'seeing' my family. It was a long road back. I don't pretend it's easy and neither is it a straight line going forward. Two steps forward and one back pretty much sums it up. Even so I was moving in the right direction.

You have shown you are a strong person even though you may not believe it. You are still here and still fighting. You have recognised you need help which is the first step. Please make an appointment with your GP who will refer you to someone who can help. I suggest you print your post above and give it to your GP as a starting point. Your GP will be able to point you in the right direction.

I know you are reluctant to start this process because you are embarrassed. I think everyone who writes on this forum has been embarrassed to admit they need help. Taking medication is also an old story. I know I fought against taking meds for a while. It's due in part to community attitudes about mental illness which we are taught or absorb in childhood. Please do not let embarrassment get in the way of your healing.

I would like to hear from again if possible.

Mary

[therising]

Hi Sair309

I'm so glad inspiration led you here. It is so incredibly hard to hear inspiration in the depths of depression (an understatement).

The depths is the darkest most torturous most hopeless part of depression. We can be mildly depressed, we can be deeply depressed but when where at the very bottom of that depression, there is absolutely nothing like it. Unless someone's been there, they just don't know what it's like. I wish I was there, sitting beside you as you face the overwhelming challenge that comes with the depths. It sounds like you have so many challenges in your life. I'm sure you've also got plenty you haven't mentioned.

Please don't feel embarrassed when it comes to expressing yourself. Vent away, no matter how much you need to. While the circumstances that led us into depression at some point may be different, there are so many people here who do understand how bad things can get. There's a lot of empathy here, a lot of understanding, a lot of open minds, a lot of people who can relate in some ways.

I believe the greatest challenge, above all else, is to understand our self. Why we tick the way we do, why we hold the beliefs we hold (as well as questioning where they came from), how and why our chemistry interacts with our mind and body in the way it does (esp in depression), how we're impacted by challenges, what life skills were never given to us etc. May sound a little trite but there is no job more important than the job of coming to know our self. The better we come to know our self, the more that makes sense in our life. We come to understand how it is we can rise to challenges, we come to understand our skills (or lack of them) and our capabilities.

Another job I believe to be just as important for me is the job or role of mother/guide. At the tail end of my 15 years in depression, my kids (just through their existence) challenged me to stay on this earth. Even if I wanted to leave, I believed I had to accept the challenge of staying here for them. Kids are powerful people in many ways. 'What do I need to do in order to be here for them?' became a significant question. 'I will do anything' was the answer. Whether seeking help or calling an ambulance if you need to, this falls into the category of 'anything'. Personally, it was my willingness to do anything for my kids that eventually led me out of my depression. They saved my life.

Are you willing to do anything for your daughter, to stay here, no matter how uncomfortable?

🙂