Hi M
It's a truly horrible feeling, sometimes even sickening to some degree, when we come to do something we deeply regret. I'm glad you came here, giving yourself the opportunity to vent and hopefully find some direction when it comes to the way forward.
I know it may sound a little simplistic when I suggest that, in life, we appoint our self many various roles and then we disappoint our self from those roles on occasion. I imagine you'd be able to relate to having appointed yourself as the person who wouldn't cheat and wouldn't break your partner's trust and heart. Sounds like temptation got the better of you and you disappointed yourself from that role or those roles you'd initially committed to. Personally, I was no angel in my younger years and had some seriously questionable behaviour, which some may say was unforgivable. Wish I had the mindset then that I have now, for I would have appointed myself far more constructive roles than what I did, after my regrettable behaviour. Took me years to forgive myself.
Wonder if you can relate when I say that some of my most regrettable behaviour would leave me hating myself, wishing I could turn back time, dealing with a nervous system that felt like it was in constant overdrive (with stress, anxiety and regret) and wondering just how I was going to put my life back together. Deep regret is definitely a torturous and often lonely experience.
Wondering if you can imagine yourself in the role of someone who prepares to rebuild relationships. I know, seriously daunting. This is going to sound a little cliche but the most important one to start with is your self. Relationships basically come down to how we relate. How you begin to relate to yourself, in a constructive way, is so incredibly important now. It's the beginning of reforming your self. 'How do you want to reform yourself?' becomes the question. While others are going to judge us for our deeds, we need to keep a clear mind when it comes to constructively judging our self in the process of our reformation.
I honestly wish I had the power to fast forward you through time, to where the pain and regret wasn't so raw. Reforming our self is a gradual process that can take time, especially when it comes to graduating out of what we've come to regret, that which holds the potential to depress us.
Take care and feel free to return anytime 🙂
