I don’t know if I need help

[Wsws]

I have no reason to feel sad, but life seems so meaningless. I’m falling behind in school. At this moment, I’m missing a day of school, and have 2 assignments overdue that I haven’t even started. People tell me to do my work, but I feel so tired and my brain can’t focus. I go to an expensive school, so I feel like I should work, but I have no motivation to do so. I want to go to a public school, but my dad is against it. I shouldn’t be going to such a good place when I’m not even making any use of it. I don’t deserve to go there.

I used to consider cutting myself with a blade, but I was always to cowardly to do it. I hated myself for being unable to do it. Instead, I burned myself. This was earlier this year. A few weeks ago, my cat broke a glass, and I didn’t have the motivation to clean it, so it put the glass in a drawer, since they were going to try and play with it if i didn’t. When I went to throw it out, I paused. The prices were medium sized, and they looked sharp. I kept a piece, and threw the rest out. I ran it across my arm, and for the first time, I made myself bleed. I found it kind of funny, to be honest. I didn’t do it because I was sad at that moment, I just wanted to see myself bleed. I still have it, and I still use it. I even drew on myself with the blood, again finding it humorous.

at school, I get the urge to damage myself. Being around people makes me feel bad. I don’t really know how to describe it. I am very introverted. I sharpen my pencil and scratch my arm during class, not enough to bleed, but almost.

I don’t want to see a therapist. I don’t think I do, anyway. I can’t imagine asking my dad for one. As I said before, I have no reason to feel sad. I don’t really deserve to feel sad. It’s probably just because I’m weak. People have it so much worse, and yet they are fine. They work hard. So why am I so selfish to feel like this? I have a lot of things. I have a parent, a friend, a good school, a house and more. Why am I so ungrateful?
I don’t feel suicidal. I just often feel like I’m done with being conscious, and want to go home and do nothing. I want to just stare at a wall or read.

I don’t know if I need help. I don’t feel like I do, but’s seeing my sisters face when she sees me scratching myself with my nails, I wonder if i do. My dad called me selfish for burning myself when he found out. I don’t want to cause him trouble. I prioritise my father and sister over almost everything. I am already a burden.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I am sorry to hear that you are struggle so much at the moment - not just with school but with the how you dad reacted on finding out you were burning yourself. Firstly, I want to you to know that you are not a burden on anyone. For whatever reason, things are a struggle. That you are wanting to hurt yourself is serious to get help and support.

So the question is... what can you do?

One thing would be the call Kids Helpline and talk to someone on 1800 55 100. Or you can go to their web site here https://kidshelpline.com.au/ and chat via keyboard.

Is there anyone at school you could talk to - perhaps a teacher? or school counsellor?

I also want you to know there might also be the some medical reason for the way you feel as well. For example, low or high iron counts. For myself, I have haemochromatosis in which depression can be seen as or is a symptom.

You said you were introverted and being around people made you feel bad ... when I was in high school (many years ago) I felt a bit of an outsider, felt I was judged by anything I said, never quite fitting in. Is it something like that for you?

Lastly, you should know that you are not being selfish or weak. Something is happening to make you feel like this and you deserve to feel worthwhile as anybody else. I have described my issues as first world issues, and have been suicidal and everything was set off by a email. I am slowly working through my issues. It does not matter what made you feel low you are worthwhile and deserving of help.

Peace and comforting thoughts always,

Tim