Hello Spect8or
Welcome to the forum and I wanted to congratulate you on reaching out here, for being able to post such raw and heartaching words. I also want to congratulate you on your ability to engage with your emotions...even though as you say, you are not able to feel a thing, maybe it is the very opposite, maybe you are feeling everything and that is just as hard. You mentioned heart ache, that is a very powerful feeling, and while I am so very sorry you are feeling this ache, it is also good in that it does remind us we are still able to feel, even if it hurts and even if it is negative. With still being able to feel that does provide hope, hope that just as we can feel heart ache that must mean we can feel joy, however small or for however brief a moment, the possibility is there.
Feelings I think are a result of thoughts, that mostly when our brain does something our body or our feelings respond, as you mentioned, to regulate ourselves based on our morals and our core beliefs.
So with that in mind can I ask you about your core beliefs? When we do believe that we are not worthy and we are not loved or don't matter or are not cared for, when we truly believe these to be fair and right, our body responds accordingly. So what if you challenged those core beliefs? I can see from your post how much emotional intelligence you have and also how aware you are of your mental health disorders and that even there may be others undiagnosed, so these along with some pretty negative core beliefs can really send you along a path that is very dark.
The only attempt that I hope more than anything that you make is that of attempting to take a step back, to question those thoughts that take you down those dark holes and to attempt to consider that they are wrong. That they are just that..thoughts..not actions and you have to do nothing with them. Question them, consider and absolutely talk, reach out and share. You are worth the chance to heal, you are worth the opportunity to get started on your wellness journey.
Sophie M has put some wonderful supports here for you too if you need to chat, would like to chat and to get rid of some of those thoughts.
There is a very huge point to getting "better", your life and getting it back.. and yes, there is hope and there is help to do this.
What does "better" look like for you?
You matter so very much Spect8or, so very much, we care and we are here to listen, to chat and to sit with you through these times.
Huge hugs
Sarah
