Im slipping again

[...Gekota]

Things in my life have been relatively good recently and I’m very lucky. My family cares for me a lot we have enough money for medical support for me, I have an amazing psychologist, a have a couple of friends and I don’t have to hide being trans anymore. i mean school still sucks and I can’t break free from having to achieve so much academically and I’m still not great mentally but I have so much that so many people don’t have so why do I feel like this? I hate myself, I hate myself so much I hate how I look I hate who I am and I just want to be happy, why can’t I be happy? I don’t understand what could possibly keep me from happiness when I have so much. Every time I look at myself I feel disgusted and ashamed and guilty, I’ve destroyed my body. And every time I see myself I just want to destroy it further. For a while I was in a cycle of SH every day (not badly though) I couldn’t stop and I was sort of scared to stop and then I broke the cycle and I felt okay for a good few months. And now I’ts not daily but I’m back to feeling like a need it to keep me afloat. I don’t know what to do i can’t make a single decision for myself and im so angry with myself all the time. I can’t stop thinking about starting testosterone I want to be happy so badly, I want to feel good about myself but my stupid brain keeps jumping to the worst of everything. Im afraid im not ready, im afraid people will see me differently, im afraid in the end I won’t even feel any better about myself but most of all im afraid I’ll never be able to make the decision and spend my entire life living like this. I am so tired of living like this. I just want to like who I am, I don’t need to love my body I just want to be free from this brain. I want to hurt, I want to hurt so badly. Im not suicidal anymore I want to be alive but I can’t stop thinking about death I can’t stop thinking about being free from all of this stress. I feel so hopeless I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t want to keep living like this but I don’t know how

[white knight]

Hi,

Oh, boy, I just wish I could hug you and guide you through this period of hurt because... there is so much beauty in life that you might have missed. You might need to push some things away and embrace things that will benefit you.

Part of your thinking for whatever reason seems to be negative, defeatist and in need of a new beginning. I had that "shock" into positivity at 26yo. Read the first post-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

Generally anything that motivates you, in particular new friends that are in the same trans world that can mentor you. Online meetings could help. 

I also wished you could slow down, once you begin to enjoy your identity the world will light up. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/inner-peace-the-glory-of-being-you/td-p/190347

It all begins with acceptance, accepting you for who you are. While making this journey you'll feel unique, valued and calm. It truly is worth waiting for.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

Choose your friends wisely. Learn to love yourself.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Keep your psychology appointments. 

TonyWK