im desperate: i want to kill myself but i don't think anyone is treating it as an immediate reality

pleasehelpme1111 · ‎14-03-2021

Yesterday I told my dad that I was suicidal, and having thoughts of suicide. I have been dealing with this since year 9 (in year 12 now) and it recently escalated (past two weeks) to the point that it was no longer passive, but I recently made a plan. He called the mental health triage people (we're in SA) and they sent out some people to evaluate me two hours later. The two that came (a social worker and a nurse) were pretty dismissive, and made it seem that because I was able to clearly express myself and I wasn't confused or something, and because I was purposefully not sleeping enough (to punish myself, might I add) I was less of a risk to myself, and that all I needed to do was sleep more and stay nourished. Which is bs (but they will be evaluating me properly by Monday with psychiatrists and stuff). Now I'm regretting telling anyone, because I'm not allowed to be home alone by myself, and my phone is taken before I go to bed. Along with my computer. I regret telling my parents because I suspect the most that will happen is that I will get a psychiatrist. But I don't want to exist in the immediate future. There's no way I'm going to a psychiatric hospital, even though I suspect its the only thing that will stop me from killing myself. My parents (my mum especially, my dad went to his rural job - locum, he's a general practitioner today) don't really seem to genuinely think that I'm this close | | to killing myself. I don't want to make an attempt just to get them to listen.

Does anyone have any advice? Please help me.

Thanks 🙂

Sophie_M · ‎14-03-2021

Hi pleasehelpme1111,

A warm welcome to the Beyond Blue forum, we hope you find our community to be a supportive place.

We can hear that you are really struggling right now and are having a hard time trying to get the support you need from family and mental health services. We can also hear that it feels like your parents aren't acknowledging the difficult space you are in and we know this can make us feel even worse. Please know we take your thoughts and feelings of suicide seriously and would like to offer our support.
Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

smallwolf · ‎14-03-2021

hi and welcome to the forums.

I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment with not getting the support you want from your family etc. It sounds like things must be a real struggle for you. I am guessing you are still in school and wondering if you have mentioned anything to friends or teachers or even the school counselor about your thoughts?

I am unsure of what might have happened for you to get to this stage in how you feel about yourself but I cannot help but think you have been ignored? So I think that if you were able to chat with your school counselor about things concerning you might be helpful. What do you think?

My other comment is... I see both a psychologist and psychiatrist. My psychiatrist looks after the medication and leaves the head stuff to the psychologist. While you said the most your parents would do is send you to a psychiatrist that might not necessarily be a bad thing, assuming you and they can get on. I still talk through issues with my psychiatrist just not the same way. And to have someone on your side and supporting you feels right. I hope that makes sense.

I hope you will come back and chat some more.

Summer Rose · ‎15-03-2021

Hi pleasehelpme

Welcome to the bb forum.

I am very sorry that you are feeling that you want to end your life. I know that things are very dark right now and extremely difficult but I want to encourage you to hang in there.

You did the right thing to tell your dad how you were feeling. My daughter felt the same way as you when she was 13 and very unwell and, like your dad, I scrambled to find help for her. Again, like what happened to you, the first people I turned to were not the right people to help.

It's awful, disheartening and frustrating, I know. My advice is to plough on because I truly believe the right person to help you is out there. And there are many people here who will listen to support you and stay by your side as you access the help you need.

Please know that a psychiatrist could be very helpful to you right now. In our case, my daughter was treated by a psychiatrist in hospital and this turned out to be of enormous benefit. It was a turning point that helped her get on the right path to recovery. She is now thriving and making the most out of her life.

What I am saying to you is that your feelings about life can change. The pain can ease. The clouds can pass.

If you are able, please let us know how you are going. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you

romantic_thi3f · ‎15-03-2021

Hi pleasehelpme1111,

Thank you for being here and reaching out to us. I'm so glad that you've gotten some support already from other people on the forums.

I'm in SA too 🙂 I'm really sorry to hear about what happened on the weekend - erm, purposefully not sleeping enough to punish yourself?! That sounds so unhelpful.

I kind of get them not taking you to hospital in a way, because while technically it should keep you safe, it's majorly traumatic for anyone (especially young people). That said though it's really hard because there seems to be two extremes - get some sleep - or into a psych ward we go.

It looks as though you've got your psychiatrist appointment today, so feel free to check back in and let us know how that goes. I hope that you can be really honest with them about where you're heads at and how you are truly feeling - including what you've said to us here too.

rt