I'm scared I'm going to kill myself

[BradyBunch44]

Hey all, hope you're doing well

I am afraid that I'm going to kill myself. I have had this suicide plan for almost half a year. There are many reasons, such as depression and anxiety for years, possible ADHD, dysfunctional relationships with friends, or friendships that seem to be going downhill, an emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend who turned a whole school against me, and failing grades that made me drop out, to try and pursue my ATAR next year as a year 13. I haven't got my license because I wanted to focus studying, so that another thing I'm behind all my friends in. I have felt lost, alone, depressed, and suicidal for months now, and have made a plan to get away from it all. It's not an attention thing, as I'm apprehensive about even writing to this forum in case people found out, and I also hate pain, pretty adverse to it, so self-harm is hard for me to commit to, even when I feel it would help. I just don't know what to do, and am reaching out to random strangers as a final attempt.

Thank you for your time

[Sophie_M]

Hey BradyBunch44,

Welcome to the Forums. It's such a powerful thing to share here, so thank you for your bravery in doing so. We can hear you’ve been dealing with a lot. Please know that you deserve to feel better, and it’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.   

We've reached out to privately to offer some support and we want you to know that there is always immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors here at Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We'd also really recommend ringing KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, or connecting with them online here.

Since you mentioned feeling afraid that you might act on the plan you mentioned, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe by reaching out. It could be to your GP, a trusted adult, or one of the Support Lines we've mentioned above. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We really appreciate your kindness, generosity and openness on the forums. We can hear you've been feeling really alone, but please know that our community is here with you and appreciates you and the strength it takes to open up about these feelings.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Junior1962]

Hello there. I’m sorry you have been feeling this way and very glad you have reached out for some help. 
It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed. Do you have a counsellor or psychologist you can talk to? You can get a mental health plan from a GP for up to 20 sessions a year. 

[Bbygrl2022]

Hey bradybunch44, im with you on most of that stuff. so i do know how you feel, but you'll regret it 😞 there's so much good waiting for you, but unfortunately your going to have to fight for it. its not fair and itll be hard for a little while but it will be worth it! tell me this, what is the no1. thing on your bucket list?  

[Bob_22]

Hi BradyBunch44,

Thank you for opening up and sharing your story here. I'm so sorry to hear about everything that is going on for you and I can imagine that you might be feeling very overwhelmed. With everything going on, it is a great thing you've done to reach out to the forums here. 

Please, as Sophie mentioned, reach out to any of the crisis lines included in her post above if you are having negative thoughts. It is so helpful to have someone to talk to during these dark times (I speak from personal experience) and often it is during our worst moments that we make great realisations.

Suicidal thoughts aside, do you have a GP or psychologist who you regularly see. I would strongly recommend you either visit your GP to let them know about everything going or speak to your school counsellor if possible. Alternatively, headspace is available for all 12 - 25 year olds as a walk in clinic who can help with mental health as well school/study support. You can simply call or rock up to your closest centre here. 

As Bbygrl2022 mentioned, you have a bright future ahead of you. I know it seems right now that the odds are stacked against you with your ex-girlfreind, failing grades and drivers license etc. I used to think all these were so important at your age but looking back now (I'm 30) I realise how trivial they were. Whats most important is being content and forming your values. You sound like a resilient individual and your strength is what matters most, not your weaknesses. 

Please keep us updated and remember, no matter what, that you're not alone. 💙

Bob