I’m exhausted

[H-c]

I thought I was getting better because I stopped crying often. I thought I finally won, those thoughts that are overtaking my mind finally stopped. I’ve never been so wrong. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel more and more exhausted every single day. These thoughts telling me to end it all gets louder and louder every night. 

I’m exhausted it’s not getting any better. I’ve tried to seek help and it’s not working. I feel like a burden to everyone and I just want it to stop. It’s gotten to the point where I start having random panic attacks when I’m in the public. I don’t have anything to look forward to. Don’t get me wrong, I tried like I really really tried. I tried to find reasons to live for, things to look forward to, small things to appreciate. I feel like a broken record, a person that’s drowning in a 5ft pool. It feels like I’m in a pool that’s not too deep but just deep enough to submerge my whole body up to my nose. I feel like I’m desperately trying to float only for me to choke on water.

For once I just want to genuinely feel that warmth flowing through my body. I wan’t to go to bed at night looking forward to the next day, I want to be excited about my future. Cause frankly as of right now, I don’t know what to do anymore…

[Petal22]

Hi H-c,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that it’s really hard to suffer with repeating intrusive thoughts that are very loud …. It’s tough.

I understand the feeling of exhaustion.

Can I ask what type of help you have tried?

I understand panic attacks are hard to deal with.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD I was plagued by very loud intrusive thoughts.

I’ve now recovered thanks to the professional help I received and the hard work I put in.

I understand we may not have the same conditions but please don’t loose hope because with the correct help recovery is possible.

[therising]

Hi H-c

I wish there was something I could say that could instantly take the pain away and have you saying something along the lines of 'Oh my gosh, that's it! That's the reason for this suffering'. My heart goes out to you as you work hard toward experiencing such a moment, where so much makes sense.

Not sure if it will help to know (I hope so), I find that without a 'seer' present in my life, sometimes it's hard to see my way beyond the depressing part of the path I'm on. It's like trying to see in the dark on your own. Without a seer, someone who holds a vision for you, all you can see is the darkness. While there can be many around you suggesting solutions you really can't relate to, based on state of mind, you remain in the dark. While it may be easy for us to see a future for our self at times and all the little constructive and exciting things that involves, I find sometimes this can feel impossible to achieve alone. Personally, I'm waiting for my brother to return from overseas based on my desperate need for his vision in my life right now. He's an incredible visionary.

Then there is the 'hearer' in our life, someone who hears inspiration. Not sure if you've ever had the experience when you're thinking and thinking, sometimes for days, about the solution to a problem and then all of a sudden words come to mind, from out of the blue, that are exactly what you need to hear. It's like you didn't think them up, they just came to you. Sometimes we may need someone who hears when we can't hear for our self.

Then there is the 'feeler', someone who has the ability to feel their way through life. Such a persona can feel so much. They can feel 'true north' as well as when things are 'heading south' or taking a downturn. They can feel what words from others are inspiring, what words are depressing and even feel what 'neutral' feels like (when no one is making any difference at all). Technically, no difference involves a lacking, of inspiration, direction, vision etc. A feeler will feel the lacking. Would you say you're a feeler?