I feel so alone

[Engita]

Not really sure how to write this or how to explain how I feel so I apologise in advance. I'm a 22 year old uni student who is struggling with some of the worst stress and anxiety I have ever experienced. I'm not a very emotional person, I have always struggled with my mental health and have had prior diagnoses of depression and social anxiety that I heavily internalise. But as of recent I just feel so helpless and alone, like I have hit my lowest, I can't sleep properly, I am not eating, and just don't feel like I want to be here any longer. I am not sure what's wrong with me, I struggle to maintain relationships with people which makes me feel so alone. I don't think I am a bad guy, I try my hardest for everyone who means anything to me and it just never feels good enough, I just want to feel like people care about me. I lack friendships or circles where I feel welcomed and I really wonder sometimes if people would even notice if one day I just disappeared. I have recently tried to seek help through the campus doctor and have booked myself into see a counsellor but I am just not sure talking is going to help. I could yell and feel like no one would hear me, I have overwhelming thoughts of suicide and feel like a prisoner in my own mind, trapped my by own self doubt and like nothing will ever work out. I worry about university, I worry about the people around me leaving me and I worry about being in this state forever, it's unbearable and I am kinda at the end of my rope. Recently I started seeing a girl at university and as much as I care about her I just don't feel it's going to work, we both care but the age gap for her (31) is too much and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I care it just wont be enough and it eats me alive. I keep asking is it worth being so upset over this girl, but no matter what I can't get her off my mind. But I feel like this has been a major blow to any self esteem I had left, I care about her so much and once again it's just not good enough... I worry so much about my university marks in this bridging program and failing to achieve the degree I am after too.. I just can't focus, I try so hard to achieve the best I can and I feel like everything on my mind is stopping me from being the best I can be. If I don't make it then I think it might just be the final straw. I'm sorry to whoever reads this.. this is kind of all over the place and probably just seems like nonsense, im not good at this.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to these safe and non-judgemental forums, Engita. We understand how much strength it takes to reach out and post here for the first time, so thank you for being so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. We're so sorry to hear how how much pain you've been feeling, and how unbearable these thoughts have been, but please know that you don't have to go through this alone. You've shown a lot of courage in seeking help from the campus doctor, and booking in to see a counsellor, and we'd urge you not to give up- as finding the right support that works for you really can improve these thoughs and feelings you've been experiencing. Please know that our caring community are here to offer their kind support and advice to help you through this, and we are also reaching out to you privately via email to check in and offer some extra support. 

We would also really encourage you to reach out for some extra support before your appointment, and call our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are here for you anytime of the day or night during overwhelming moments. They are always here for you to talk these thoughts and feelings through as often as you need whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with. You never have to keep these feelings bottled up inside, and it can be incredibly helpful to be able to talk things through with a caring voice on the other end of the line.

We hope that you can find some support in the kind words from our community, and have a little bit of solace in knowing that you're not alone in this. Please also feel welcome to keep updating us here on your thread whenever you are ready- we're all here to help you through this.

[tranzcrybe]

It sounds like your recent relationship issues have given rise to otherwise subdued feelings of worthlessness and self doubt over study pressures which, without this overriding concern, would likely see you plugging along with a level of tolerance if not contentment.
The net result is a head filled with the clarity of pea soup as, contrary to your previous comment, you most certainly are an emotional person to the point of distraction.

At 22, I'm sure you feel fairly knowledgeable in the basics of physical attraction and even emotional connection. Speaking of pea soup, relationships can be as fleeting as the occasional chunk of ham in the veritable flurry of condiments trying to find some epicureal perfectionism - although tantalising, most are just haphazard and woefully transient.
But it seems like you have found a new depth which sadly has gone unrequited. Unfortunately, the difference between 20 and 30 can be quite significant regarding expectations that one or the other are seeking from a relationship and it has nothing to do with your trying harder - in 10 years you might also realise this.

Age however, is relative; and the older you get, the closer in age you will become. Time may defeat you in this quest, but maturity is inevitable as you too shall overcome and perhaps reflect fondly on the experience. My advice for you is to withdraw graciously without self judgment - things will get easier as your focus returns.

BTW, just one thing about 'trying hard'... it can sometimes give us an 'emotional tunnel vision' which keeps us from seeing the bigger picture. Putting all your energies into one objective (or several) may explain the associated feelings of lost purpose when it subsides. Sorry, I do understand your helplessness in such circumstances and it always seems so unfair.

[Engita]

Things wont just "get easier" I've been waiting on things to get easier for so long just be dealt blow after blow. I mean today I just found out I'm losing my job on top of everything else and I'm just done. I am so tired, it's not worth it

[Sophie_M]

Hey Engita,

Thanks for joining us this afternoon on the forums. We're so sorry to hear you've lost your job today. What a stressful day it must be. We can understand why you would be feeling so tired and overwhelmed. Would you feel comfortable sharing a bit more about this situation with us? Do you think it could be a good thing to have more time for yourself now? If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some short-term support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if that's something you feel might be helpful to you. We'd also like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email. Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
   

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Engita

Sorry you're going through so much at the moment and it's all getting on top of you. I'm a uni student too, albeit an older one, and understand the stress of that alone, without additional worries.

I acknowledge your concerns about talk therapy also, but when you find the right person it can be really beneficial. Sometimes the first person you talk to, you might not connect with, and it can take a couple of tries. If you're new to it, it can also be difficult at first to relax and open up. I've been reading Hilary Cottam today, and she talks about how empowering it is to tell our story, and have someone truly listen to us, and how in the process of doing this we come to new understandings about ourselves and we can start to make changes.

Keep reaching out, and keep talking here, you don't have to do this alone, and things can get better. Katy

[Giraffe]

You sound like a lovely person, keep reaching out and getting help.

[Alannah57]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

This struck a painful chord with me, I understand those feelings of loneliness and despair during depression.

I was lost in almost the exact same kinds of feelings you were last year, and have had repeats of those feelings for several years.

I feel like this might be a thing where you could see a GP, I did and do when I get this way and it saves me from these feelings.

You have so much joy to experience and positive things to experience and are more than enough.