Feeling like a terrible person

[Annewithan-e]

So I’m not in a great place.

I’m fortunate to have a great psychologist. I have been working with her for a fair while now. I feel like I trust her but I’m still incredibly stuck, and freeze and space out in sessions. I have managed to discuss some things but on the whole I feel like a complete failure.
I don’t trust myself or my own thoughts, and I feel like a hypochondriac or attention seeking drama queen. I think I’m making things up, or dramatizing it. I emailed and said as much last night. That I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve help.
Its just that things aren’t clear or keep changing in my mind, and it was all so long ago - I never said anything, I excelled in so many areas, I was fine for so long, it just doesn’t make sense.

now I’m in this spiral of what a horrible human being I am for acting like a victim and I just want to disappear.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Thanks for sharing with our online community and reaching out today. We're sorry to hear that you've had difficulties trusting your own thoughts as they are quite negative and critical of you. Working through traumatic experiences is a very difficult process and we are glad to hear that you are being supported a psychologist that you trust. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you.

If you feel up to it, we'd recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit on our website https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some information and advice to help you. Our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgmental space.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Unfortunately when we feel this down it is indeed a spiral. It's better to learn to control that spiral at the very beginning than try to control it, reverse the trend while fully in it. Over time you might develop awareness of the indicators like triggers and poor sleep.

In fact poor quality sleep is a major problem under estimated for its effect on us in a negative way.

Building confidence. I found that its best not to rely on others to boost your own confidence. Better to have the approach to build it yourself and if someone has input that help- well thats a bonus.

It's great you have professional care. Forums have their place as a support for you after hours as the forum is open 24/7/365 for you to post. Also you are talking to others that have real life experiences with poor mental health.

Some of these strategies takes time but I did prove that its possible to build yourself up and improve your life dramatically. Here is an example-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

If you'd like to have a read and reply with your thoughts we can talk some more. I'm here daily. Thankyou Anne (with an e)

TonyWK

[Annewithan-e]

Hi Tony, thanks for taking the time to reply.

I read your post…. I’m so glad something works for you. I find if I even entertain a positive thought it brings down 10 times the amount of negative thoughts and criticism.

I’m nowhere even near the point of trying to think about building confidence right now… I just need to stop my brain. I’m so disgusted with myself and the way I behave

[white knight]

Hi Anne

Thanks for that clarification

I'm sorry you are so down and I feel very limited in helping.

What I can tell you (if it helps or not I don't know) is when I was at my lowest point I resorted to 3 things-

• Back to basics. Meaning any action/inaction that relieves stress. Direct debit for bills, not contacting toxic people etc
• Listen to calm wonderful videos from Maharaji prem rawat. Google his name with "sunset" after it as one example
• Try to refrain from self criticism. You are wonderful, self reflecting and kind. A foundation worth building on.

Do you have any questions for me or do you think I can help further?

TonyWK

[Petal22]

Hi Anne withan e,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand how it feels when we can’t seem to get our brains to stop…. It’s exhausting..

Im sorry that you can’t trust your thoughts I understand….

Im glad you have a great phycologist just keep working with her and with what’s troubling you……. I’m sure in time you will know what to do with what is happening with your thoughts, emotions and mind……

You can heal in time with what you are going through…..

You will get there… just breathe

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Tony, it helps to know you’re trying to help despite the fact that I make it very hard to help me. I feel a lot of guilt over that. Like I feel a lot of guilt toward my psychologist, that I don’t deserve her, and that I’m an evil deceptive and manipulative person.

[Annewithan-e]

Yes petal, you know it, I’m just so tired… and so ashamed of myself

[geoff]

Hello Anne, the job of a psychologist is to challenge your mind because you might be stuck on an issue you can't solve by yourself.

They do this methodologically because a good psych will help you understand the trigger points and what may happen and once you can accept this, you can then start building up any positive thoughts.

This can't be done until you can push your negative thoughts to the back of your mind.

You have a gem if you really like your psychologist.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi Anne (withan-e)

I understand it’s very exhausting……… especially if you are doing inner work……..

Hang in there……… a lot of our thoughts can be challenged…. and we can learn to make new path ways in our brains that can provide a more harmonious effect for our nervous systems.

Please try not to feel ashamed….. I’m here to chat if you want to tell me more.