Everything, including myself, is too much. *TW*

[Gardensweet]

*TW - suicidal thoughts*

I am a usually happy person who has been struggling for the last 12mon. I am about to graduate medical school and have my final exams soon which is a source of stress. I also have one of my final clinicals finish just prior to exams. The clinicals are long hours, all day, every day and overnight for three weeks. After 12 months of this and exams, I am not coping well.

Compounding this my partner of 6 years (lived with for 4 years) had planned to propose after I graduate. During a discussion about it recently he reacted poorly saying I was putting pressure on him and that I was ‘too much’. I find it hard to ask for things in this relationship due to the financial disparity. I have been studying for 6 years. I have worked during this to support myself and contribute. I do most of the housework. I try to make everything perfect considering the long hours he works. He makes good money working for a large company in management.

I would like to specialise in a niche field. We love where we currently live so I took a job close so that I could prioritise us, and possibly having a baby in the next few years. This job isn’t as fulfilling as if we moved but I made the decision that I’ve been studying for so long that I wanted to have a family and put that first.

He also acted extremely negatively towards having a family soon. He said that he’s too pressured to support just us and he needs me to work full time for years before we consider that.

I feel I’ve been auditioning to be his wife for years and he’s pushing the decision back. Since the discussion he hasn’t mentioned it at all. Meanwhile I’m slowly crumbling under the pressure of study, work, being unable to ask for things in the relationship, watching other people get engaged, have babies, the prospect of working in a less fulfilling job without having a family to be worth it

I deleted social media because I couldn’t stand it. I’m restless, I cry all the time. I had an appointment with a psych but cancelled it because I had to wait 6 weeks and I can’t book ahead with uni. I think about writing suicide notes and harming myself. I don’t have anyone I can talk to, they all have their own issues.

I just don’t have the strength to do anything right now and I have no idea how I’m going to pass finals when I can’t even watch a half an hour TV show without fiddling, and self-harming I’m losing it. No one else knows.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Gardensweet,

We are so to hear that you are going though such a tough time. It sounds like you put your life on hold for a dream that was super important to you and now you cannot see that your effort, time and love is paying off. It sounds like you love your man very much and deeply want to have family. We have reached out to privately to offer you support, please get back to us so that we can offer you support.

It sounds like you are taking on so much, by being at uni, keeping the house in order, not asking for any of your needs to be met, it sounds like you might be very exhausted and it's time for you to start looking after you.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.  

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone, we are all here to support you.