Hi all

[aussiem]

Tonight, i was repeating to myself over and over again i wont kill myself.

I just dont know what to do anymore, i feel like ive fallen into a black hole and i really cant take it anymore. There is something seriously wrong with me but i have to carry on and pretend like nothing is happening. I've self medicated with alcohol for a long time but its reached the point i can't function without it. I've browsed these forums in the past but im really not after platitudes. I just need something that will fix me before i go nuclear.

I really dont know what can be achieved by posting on here but i just thought i would reach out to people who have had the same.

[james1]

Hey aussiem,

Welcome! It's nice to meet you.

I'm sorry to hear that you were thinking about killing yourself and feel like you can't take it anymore. I'm glad that you've reached out to us because there are many here who have felt the same way. I also had suicidal thoughts about 4-5 years back and came to these forums for similar reasons.

I'm sad to hear that you've had to rely on alcohol and don't feel like you can function without it anymore. Have you tried any other ways to manage the day-to-day challenges? I understand that you feel like you have to pretend that nothing is wrong - is there anybody who knows that you're struggling?

Also, you may know this already but BeyondBlue (1300 22 4636) and Lifeline (13 11 14) both offer telephone services - in my own experience, I found it helpful just to have someone anonymous to talk to at times when I was at my worst; someone who didn't know me and couldn't judge me.

James

[Sophie_M]

Hi aussiem,

Welcome to the forums - we are so sorry to hear that you have had such a tough night. We're concerned about your wellbeing so we are reaching out to you privately to check in and offer some support.

Can we ask if you are currently receiving any mental health support, or have you in the past? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

If you are feeling distressed and need to chat, Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

We are so glad that you have decided to reach out here. We hope that you find some comfort in these forums. Hopefully a couple of our members will be by to greet you over the next few days. 

[aussiem]

Hi James, thankyou for your kind words, no there is nobody that knows and the only people i truly trust enough to talk to about it (family) would more than likely have a sleepless night or ring emergency services. No i haven't tried anything else to manage it, i thought about getting anti depressants a few time but i couldn't stomach the thought of going to a therapist.

[aussiem]

Hi Sophie, thankyou for your concern, no im not recieving mental health support and haven't in the past. I can function as a person but every so often get this sick feeling in my body like im ready to check out. I just don't know how to fix it. I find it hard to talk about to people in real life which is why i never told anyone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi aussiem,

Thanks for your response. Although you are functional, it's still very concerning that you feel this way sometimes. You are valuable and deserving of support to help you through this sick feeling that you get in your body. 

We hear you that it's to talk about how you're feeling for the first time in person. You might be more interested in the online chat counselling that many helplines offer:  

• Lifeline chat service 7pm-midnight AEST: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
• Suicide Callback Service online counselling: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

You might also be interested in our page on "Feeling suicidal".

Please feel free to talk here whenever you feel up to it. 

 

[aussiem]

Thanks Sophie, but if my time on earth has taught me anything its that im not valuable, if i did go it would affect some people for a few months but it wouldnt really make that much of a difference. Thankyou i have considered ringing those chatlines in the past but was at a loss of what to say to them when i rang.

[geoff]

Hello Aussiem, I thought I needed to reply back to you as I've just started on the forums.

I understand that people will grieve when we are gone and how long depends on their own situation and the circumstances they have to deal with, but do believe when we aren't here there will be a hole left with our family/friends who loved us but now struggle to get on with their life.

It is not going to be easy for some people to learn how to cope as we would have left many idiosyncrasies that always remind them of what we used to do.

If I can also say that I too, self medicated using alcohol when in depression and did so for quite awhile, but in hindsight, the problems were still there every morning when I woke up, and drinking from 6am makes it a very long day, and yes it might block out the pain you're suffering, but you're unable to achieve much, then people started regarding me as an alcoholic, whether I liked it or not.

Your doctor can prescribe a type of medication that blocks any urge to drink, I tried it and it works, and if you decide to drink while taking it, then the alcohol won't satisfy the cravings because it suppresses this, and it will not cause a severe physical response to drinking, in other words, you're spending money on the medication as well as the alcohol, all for nothing.

It's possible that joining a meeting with AA may or may not help you understand those who have stopped or perhaps people in a situation who are still drinking, but listen to what they have to say and decide you want to develop a friendship with someone who visits the meeting.

We'd really like to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[aussiem]

Hi Geoff, thankyou for replying. I do understand that, and its what kept me going. But this is the first time ive actually written or spoken to people about something that has been with me for 10 years. I cant actually bring myself to tell people about the battle inside even when they tell me. It's not the alcohol, i use the alcohol to feel better and it actually works. The problem is i cant be drunk all the time. I can go without alcohol, im not addicted but i actually need it to feel better.

[james1]

Hello aussiem,

Thanks for replying.

It's really nice to see you here talking to geoff, Sophie_M and myself. I'm really thankful that you've been so honest with us in terms of how you are feeling, especially since you have not been able to tell anybody in the past, and I'm sure there's so much more that's going on which you haven't been able to put into words. I hope that in talking to us, you might find it easier to consider talking to others in your life as well.

I understand you feel like you're not valuable and don't make much of a difference in people's lives, and I'm really sad to hear that. Those were the same thoughts I had when I was suicidal and I did just want to say that you matter to us here. Much as I sometimes wish I was a robot, I'm not, and I can hear that you're really struggling to connect with some people who understand.

Have you had a look around on other people's threads? It can be really hard to speak to others about our own problems, but sometimes it can be easier to relate to other people's problems. I think you'll find that your experiences and voice could be of comfort to a lot of others who are also struggling silently in their own lives.

James