Deuce

[Scrabbling]

What can I say I got a very unexpected visit at my house late at night last week from the crisis team. Probably don’t need to embellish but totally put on the spot to go voluntarily or they would take that decision away as well. Don’t know why they call it a choice? To say I was a tad upset is an understatement so here I am for the past 3 days In a perfectly safe room that I cannot believe how much thought they have put into avoiding incidents. I have been studied like a bug and I found it extremely unsettling when I can normally bluff my way through things. The staff seem nice but there are some really scary people hence I have remained in my room. The tablets have helped a bit with sleep so I’m hoping to go home today. Do they normally use the element of surprise to throw people?? Signed Scrabbling.

[mmMekitty]

Hi scrabbling, that was a wonderful update! 😺 I'm so pleased you are sounding better, you really are.

Not everything will get better at the same rate. I'm happy to celebrate improvement in any area. Especially the lightening of those dark times, & communicating better with your Psychiatrist, & being able to talk to some people, that's okay. You don't have to be telling all your problems to everyone. You'll find some people you feel more comfortable with, & naturally talk more openly with.

Those Psychiatrists do see a lot, so you draw whatever you feel. I used to do some pretty dark paintings, & writing, not as therapy, but because I felt I needed to, 'get the crap out' for a while. I found it really good for that.

Are they able to help you with the chronic pain while your other surgery continues to heal? Hopefully, if you don't put too much strain on it, it can heal more quickly? I'd be asking about it, because that, having your chronic pain certainly can make sleeping more difficult, moodsmore irratic, too. Try to eat what you can, especially the good stuff on the plate. 😸

Leaving your job is sad, & means a big change in your life. 26 years, that's a long time, so I suppose you will spend some time considering where from here. I think there will be much to discuss, perhaps with your Psychiatrist, or anyone you trust. I know, I can hardly imagine what that must feel like, sorry. I haven't worked at any place so long. Longest I had was 14 years, 13 of which were too many.

Well, Scrabbling, I KNOW you are going to make it. I suppose one way to deal with riding a roller coaster would be, to watch for the next rise or fall, & be prepared.

All my best,

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi, I had the best day in a long time it was nice to have the warmth of the sun on my face and I even manage some smiles ,something I haven’t done for a long time, unfortunately my mood did suddenly change at night I don’t know why But I suppose that is part of the rollercoasters ride but I was pretty good all day which has to be a bonus. I know work is my main trigger and I am trying to come to terms with legal action that I want to pursue but I’m also aware that This pushes my buttons and unfortunately doesn’t really achieve anything except a step backwards, and I’m trying really hard to go forward , thank you for your support and your words of encouragement , it has meant so much to know someone cares for me, especially on my darkest days. I know it’s going to be a long road full of obstacles and potholes but I am starting to confide in my psychiatrist even if it is still a little reluctantly . So I still have plenty of hurdles ahead but I am hoping that if I stumble I won’t fall totally and I will be able to continue onwards and upwards.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Scrabbling,

Oh good, 😺, I'm glad you had some time outdoors, a little sun, little smiles, a little laughing; it's these moments that build up, & over time, may even outnumber the dark moods & thoughts.

I'm sort of imagining raking up these little yellow-orange leaves, 🍃& as I do, the pile is growing 🍂 bigger. Soon it will be big enough to flop in. It'll be warm & earthy, light, like a feather quilt, one intended purely for comfort.

I'm sure it is common for the night to be worse than the day. Partly because you can be involved in more things in the day. Also, you are more frequently, if not always, alone at night. I've found if I leave an audiobook playing for an hour I can listen to that, if I concentrate, but I don't want it so loud that the noise keeps me awake. I usually go to sleep before it stops playing. Sometimes I know I will need longer. Sometimes I am too uncomfortable for any sleep, & nothing helps. I don't bounce back from a sleepless night as well as I did when I was young. Sometimes I prefer music, but the thoughts can intrude more easily. I've been told many times, a regular preparing for bed & sleep routine is best. Some use meditation.

I've found anything even vaguely legal to be very stressful. The system takes so much time, & money, & when you get into the nitty gritty, it is down to the black & white letter of the law. I trust you have thought carefully about it, & have a pretty good idea of what you'd be getting into. Other than that, I'm not sure I can say much more, except, I hope that road is not so bumpy, if you do go ahead.

Onwards & Upwards! That sounds like an athlete's cheer. & you are a champion. I'm glad to be in your corner, anytime. 😸

nnNekitty

[Scrabbling]

Getting so tired of the erratic mood swings it’s wearing me down .I haven’t eaten for two days and I just spent the last 24 hours in my bed wishing your world would just stop! the staff have been good and are checking on me but I just want to be alone i’m angry at myself because I wanted to leave here but when this happens they are not going to let me go home ! I’m just so very very very tired. It’s been nearly a month and I feel I’m not getting anywhere and the sadness is overwhelming. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Scrabbling, 

We are so sorry to hear that you feel as though you're making minimal improvement in terms of your mental health. We can hear that you're feeling quite tired and worn down by your erratic moods. It must be so exhausting. 

We also noticed that you are feeling angry at yourself. We understand that this is because you want to leave the facility, but please try to be kind to yourself where possible. You are doing the best you can, and that is all you can do. Getting angry at yourself will just make things harder for you. We know that this is easier said than done, but we thought it was worth mentioning it to you as our community cares for you. 

We're so glad that you're coming here to express how you feel. Hopefully posting here brings you some comfort. 

We know that you have a lot of support around you, but please know that you are always welcome to contact out support service for support as well. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

Also, we have sent you an email, so please read that when you get a chance. 

Please continue to post as you see fit. You don't have to go through this alone. We're here. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Scrabbling,

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, & hve to be in longer. You have been trying so very hard, I know. Keep trying. I often think of you, & wish I could mor directly chat with you, just so you can know I am really out here, wishing you all the best.

I wonder, about the food, can you ask for certain foods? I'm thinking things easy to eat, Things you barely even need to che, just let small amounts slide down. & I have always found it is easier to be talking or doing something, while eating, when I don't really ant to. I have noticed this when I am with my helper.

I get so very tired, too, & then it's difficult to eat, even though I may be hungry, & it s a little battle in my head about what I must do - eat or sleep, & I realised, I can sleep better if only I have something to eat first. Now, that stops that argument. I grab some yoghurt, &/or tinned fruit, not too difficult, & get some in me so I can have a sleep. This strategy has been working pretty good for me.

Getting sleep, eating too, & understanding this is a rough time, & it is not going to last forever, & being kind to yourself. will help wit the moods. It is frustrating to have set backs, to be learning how to manage these moods, & to care for yourself, & ow long it may take. Yes, so frustrating. Talk about that frustration to the staff. Make some more pictures, ask if there is anything else you can do to express your emotions safely, while you are there.

For sadness, most people cry a lot, & I am no exception; I seem to cry for every emotion. But maybe , people have some other ways of firstly, expressing the sadness, & then treating yourself with more care & kindness.

It's not a bad thing to have feelings.

That's funny coming from me. It has taken me a very long time to learn that, & now I am saying it to you. I can hardly believe I've said this to you, hoping you will ease up on yourselfallow yourself more time, & this may be the best place for you to be right now, with as much care & attention to your needs as you can stand.

We'll talk again, soon.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Still breating!!! Won my work safe mental harm case so at least I don't have the extra stress of financial, I think I have excepted I won't be going back to that place which breaks my heart, I'm still roller coasting with emotions and still classified as high risk, I cannot be bothered doing anything and hubby cops my sharp tongue, have changed meds again and are sleeping better but just have no go in me or interest in my past activities, I think it's going to be a slow process.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Scrabbling,

It sure is great to hear from you.😺breathing, & all!

I'll bet you're exhausted. Winning the case that must've been hard, changing meds, all the emotions - it all takes a toll on you.

If you are not already counting to ten before sniping at hubby, try this:

First, you need to catch yourself, just stop, mid sentence if necessary, then count, to ten, or twenty-five, or higher if you need, before continuing. Deliberately, lower your voice, slow it down, too. I'm sure this will take practise.

Talk over using this technique with hubby, so he undersands what you need. He'll have to give you some room to use this method. Being patient with each other is so important.

*

I wonder if there are things you & hubby enjoy doing together? Or maybe you just might enjoy doing something with someone. Someone to talk to while doing whatever it is does seem to make the activity more enjoyable.

I keep thinking, how much you've been going through, how hard it was. Time for some 'youtime'. Treat yourself kindly & gently. Maybe try some new pastimes, or taking some time to sit back & listen to quiet music, letting it flow through you. That's something I do. I'm sure you will find what helps to settle the rollercoasting emotions down.

People here talk about meditating, yoga, grounding, or getting out (when they can(, for walks or exercise. I know someone who cleans her home!

*

I think you have a realistic view. Sometimes it does take a long time, & a lot of work. Just remember, we are here for you, anytime you want to talk.

Warmest virtual hugs,

😻mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi mmMekitty , thanks for your support I'm all over the place and was wondering if what I'm feeling is called normal? I feel back to square one today, in tears miserable and just exhausted, hubby is trying to help but I'm holding things together by a silk thread I thought the Workcover acceptance should of made me happy but now all I am is upset about never going back to my job, the chronic pain is getting unbearable and as fast as I get one thing fixed another thing breaks down I now have ulnar nerve entrapment in both hands which is going to make using crutches after my next ankle surgery rather interesting and I am dreading being stuck back in the wheelchair I know I sound like a looser but it would be nice if just once something went my way I'm so tired of crying and pretending to be happy I just got back from. A camping trip ( I normally love them and are super organised) and I hated it!!I couldn't be bothered packing and pretending to be enjoying myself when really I just wanted them all to go away, does it ever get better????? Kind Regards

[mmMekitty]

Hi Scrabbling,

I really don't know what 'normal' is. I'm not sure anyone does know. Whatever it is, I think it changes over time, too. So I don't expect to ever po pin that down.

I've been struggling with my own health, surgery & recovery, so tired so often. Problems in my legs, not even diagnose, & they feel worse lately. Tonight, it's getting bad early, so I can't sit here much.

It's hard not to focus on every physical symptom, to worry about 'what next?' & how you'll continue to manage, let alone be happy & enthusiastic about doing even those things you love.

I suspect, the camping trip was too soon, & while you are dealing with health concernes from several directions, just too much. You've been through a lot lately. I'm not surprised you would struggle to unwind.

& like me, you are very hard on yourself. It's likely an old habit we've picked up long ago. I tend to use the same words others said to me, & so,I try to catch myself doing that, reminding myself that their opinion of me does not have to be my opinion of me. Now they are not here, I don't have to take up where they left off. It's something I have to do every day.

So far, I have stopped hearing an echo of their voices, usually yelling the put-downs & insults. So that is some improvement. & I now think there is more to come.

I try to deal with day by day, not looking much ahead.

When I can I do even some very small things that amuse,me,cause me to have a good feeling, make me smile, Every little bit helps.

I've got to stop for now.

😻virtual hugs,

mmMekitty