Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[PocketRocket88]

I often give almost all I have to help someone out, may it be money or time, but then when I got nothing to offer I get tossed aside like a piece of dirt.

The first half of my shift the other day was tough because I was trying to see where I fit within the bar team... And to have someone who is resistant to what you ask them to do is not an ideal work environment for me... But in the later half, I decided to not let this person affect my performance and responsibility to serve and offer excellent service to our VVIP guest that night... I was so overwhelmed by the emotions during the first half of the shift to a point that I had to step away and compose myself.... 

Is it bad when I say that I'm not afraid of whatever consequence my action will be towards myself, may it be just hurting myself or even the possibility of death... Ive truly accepted that if this is how it all ends then so be it...

I just want to be free from this pain and agony I'm in everyday. I can't handle any of this anymore... I am so done trying and failing every single time... It has to end one way or another. It's just a matter of which way do I take, do I continue living or just end it all?

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

I've been reading over your posts and I'm sorry that you are in crisis at the moment. I'm trying to understand how you feel and can imagine that you feel that hope is perhaps a thing of the past. Thank you for updating us and letting us know how you're work shift went the other day. I'm glad the shift went ok for the most part and you were able to compose yourself during and not let your colleague affect your service. You mentioned that at work you feel somewhat distracted and not so overtaken by your urges. Is there something particular about work that makes you feel this way? Is there a way you could learn from this and implement it in your personal life at all? Forgive me if you already mentioned it but do you have an up to date safety plan which you could use? If so, it might be worth actively thinking about the things that help you safe such as work or the art kit you bought. I know you said that you feel people are better off with you but that is never the case. People here care about you and are willing to listen. Please update us and let you know you get on with everything. 💙

Bob

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

You are such a beautiful person, they way you bring joy, relief, opportunities and more to others. You're an obvious light bringer, never wanting others to feel down or in the dark. You are exactly the kind of person this world needs.

One of the greatest challenges I've faced involves managing the people pleaser in me. If not reigned in at times, the people pleaser in me can make my life hell. Can relate to where you're coming from. Wonder if you've ever had the people pleaser and the sage in you battle it out at times. Might sound a little like

PP: This person needs help

S: The last time you helped them, they treated you like garbage

PP: But they can't be left to feel down, without hope. I know how that feels

S: Do not help them. You'll regret it. They will burn you, again

Then the people pleaser in you insists and wins out. Now, if you could pull out the sage in you and have them standing beside you, you'd see them smacking their forehead in frustration, shaking their head in disbelief and rolling their eyes to the heavens while hoping you learn the next time.

Managing that people pleaser aspect can be far from easy. The amount of guilt, self doubt, self chastisement and stress that can come up in the process can be incredibly challenging. The way I've gradually come to manage (I'm still not expert at it) has involved me channeling a far more constructive aspect of myself. Whether it's the sage that dictates 'Be careful of this person' or the analyst in me that insists 'Have a closer look at what they're wanting', whatever works. The analyst may lead you to realise that person want's 'easy' and you can provide it. Once they've got it easy, there's no need for you. In other words you're working with a self server. Self servers are often hurtful people and we feel that hurt. Those with the ability to feel can easily feel a self server. Once you feel them you can manage them/their nature.

Cheers to you, as you managed the people pleaser in you at work. In a state of overwhelming conflict, you managed to pull up another powerful aspect of your nature. Maybe it was your intolerant sense of self that just wouldn't tolerate anyone getting in the way of you doing a brilliant job, which is exactly what you did.

[PocketRocket88]

Today had a great day at work... Was quiet during the first hour or two on shift coz tbh no one really gambles in the morning (from 6-7am til lunch) I know coz I too is a gambler and I gamble more late night til early wee hours of the morning (from 10pm til my gambling money lasts or 4am MAX). I was able to make a few new things for the bar and the surrounding area like labelling the storage area around the bar and organising things by placing similar stuff together. When lunch time hit, the orders were constant that the time literally flew by. I am abit worried as to how I should manage my sleep and wake up time for a 7am start which I'll be doing until Saturday. Then shifting to a 10 start on Sunday.

Now that I've been home for a few hours have decided to make myself busy by doing some food shop and Kmart shop.

The relentless undesirable thoughts and urge kept pushing in my weak brain... And the thought and urge is something different from the usual thought and urge, it's more complex than usual (from doing 2 bad things to now mixing with one more which is a total of 3 things, and these urges can and would definitely end everything, if I went thru with it) 

Thanks for all those kind words and I wish it's enough to keep me fighting but unfortunately I don't know if it is... Honestly, I'll be safe for an hour or two but after that I wouldn't know if I'll be safe til work in the morning.... As I said time and time again, the urge just keeps getting stronger to a point it gets harder to resist... In the past I kind of reset my brain and Urges by acting on the thoughts and urges... 

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

A lot of people don't realise just how exhausting managing depression can be at times. Unless they've been there, they just can't relate to how it can feel like a full time job. Managing thoughts day in and day out is taxing in so many ways. Can turn out to be a brutal existence when we've never been raised in understanding how how our mind ticks and how to manage it.

In trying to better understand how my mind ticks, I've found it can be rather cryptic and quirky which means it can be open to misinterpretation. Sometimes this misinterpretation factor can create a kind of hell on earth. Can be hard to achieve (almost impossible at times) but shedding light on what comes to mind can help make what's dark less dark. Can even produce some key enlightening revelations. One example that comes to mind involves the statement, 'No one loves you'. Of course, this is a dark statement that can often come to mind in depression. To shed light on 2 factors

1. What is saying 'you'? Amazing the number of people I've spoken to over the years who experience the 'you' factor. Instead of 'No one loves me' or 'I need to make some constructive changes in my life', for example, they may hear 'No one loves you' or 'You need to make some constructive changes in your life'. So where's the 'you' and 'your' coming from? Not sure if you've ever experienced the 'you' factor when it comes to internal dialogue
2. With the statement 'No one loves you', for example, it can turn out to be a reveling statement. This is one that used to mess with me until I eventually made sense of it. Truth is...not all people in my life actively love me. While some simply verbally declare 'I love you', unless I can feel love through their actions, I simply don't feel loved by them. I have some seriously lazy people in my life who are convinced they love me but them believing they do and simply speaking about it does nothing for me. Yes, that sounds cold but being a serious feeler means I have to be able to feel something in order to experience it. The simple act of leading someone to open up about how they're truly feeling (encouraging honesty and the freedom to vent or express) is an example of a loving act, one that serves in a soulful way.

Our internal dialogue can be revealing.

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES AND HOPELESSNESS

In dire need of some reprieve from this pain

ive battled this problem for many years now, there were moments when I thought I finally got off that merry go round then suddenly I find myself back on that merry go round again then the cycle repeats over and over again... 

It seems like no matter how much help and support I get/have I seem to end up in that same spot over and over again...

Why do I keep ending up in this spot over and over again? What am I doing wrong?

I strongly feel that I'm nearly at the point now that I want to just accept my faith and just do what my brains telling me to do coz one way or another it has to be done... I got nothing in my life to really be proud of... My life's in chaos and just full of disappointments, I truly believe that I'll be doing the world a favour when I'm gone... One less trouble, one less disappointment, one less headache in this universe...

[Sophie_M]

Hi PocketRocket

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and that you are having to manage these distressing thoughts. We are really thankful that you have been able to share with us your experience. 

If you are ever unsafe, please call 000 straight away. You can also our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 if you find that easier. 

We are here for you if you ever want to chat as well on 1300 22 4636. We have also reached out to your privately to see if we can be of any other support. 

Thank you for being a part of this community and for being honest and open when you post. We look forward to hearing from you again when you are ready.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry I haven't kept up to date with this thread. My apologies, I thought I had replied earlier but I must have been mistaken. I'm sorry too hear that you've been severely struggling as of late. Please know you're not alone. You are loved and worthy of love. As Sophie M mentioned, please contact one of the above crisis lines if you're having negative thoughts. 

I'm glad you were able to have a good day at work last week. Its also great you were able to find the strength to go grocery shopping and go to Kmart. Was there anything particular about that day which made it better than the others? I hope work is going okay for you this week as well. 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

Hey Pocket rocket

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I can relate a lot.

I don't really have any answers, just wanted to reach out and see how you're doing today. Sometimes it's enough to know you're not alone in this. 

[PocketRocket88]

TW TERRIBLE SUICIDAL IDEATION AND URGE.

The one thing thats keeping me going and keeping safe is slowly crumbling down in front of my very eyes... It's my work.... Don't get me wrong I love working and I love doing what I'm doing right now whilst on shift, it's just that these past few days from last week til now, I'm having trouble understanding and not putting more into how a manager Ive been working with during my shift has been making me feel or atleast how she thinks of me... It's a constant nag, one little thing I do that she doesn't like or how I do things she always have something to say and most of the time I don't even get the chance to explain myself that most of the time I just bite my tongue and just try to move on coz I feel like if I bite back or explain myself it'll just make things worst... So this past week or so I've been in constant pressure at work and in my personal time... 

I can't seem to do anything right lately... I'm at war with myself right now, deciding where to go or what to do... I just couldn't get a break at all...

I'd like to reach out to services but those Ive reached out to don't even know how to help me... As I said before even my local hospital seemed to have given up or atleast don't know what else to do with me...