Body dysmorphia or just plain ugly?

[Moonbeamer]

The mental health issues I struggle with a many and almost overwhelming and go back to events in the childhood - could not cover it all right here! One of the biggest hurdles for me has been how people regard me, physically.

I always seem to repulse people. I don't have to open my mouth or do anything to be abused... so from early childhood I realised it was my looks. I was bullied at school for my appearance and weight. I (still, at 50!) struggle with the mental effects of eating disorders, disorders that were NOT treated (except with punishment, humiliation and abuse in the family).

The facts say I am ugly.

I also know that when I see my reflection I see a monster and I avoid ALL social situations, hardly leaving the house because I just don't want to upset people with my hideousness. I have been abused by blokes (mainly, although women also express their disgust) in public places too many times to remember.

So, I am ugly. I also know that my symptoms and experience is related to body dysmorphia and the related issues to the eating disorders I battle. In spite of these experiences and feelings, I have never been formally diagnosed with bd. I suspect that psychiatric professionals see ugly people as unable to also experiencing bd... I mean, such people ARE ugly so the fact they feel monstrous is only natural and not a real psychological problem. Some medical professionals seem to think I'm fishing for compliments. Male practicioners will not tough the issue with a ten foot pole.

This stigma is real. I suffer every day - frequently leading to suicidal ideas (and past attempts) and thoughts of mutilation. I may be seen as ugly scum by society - ugly females are absolutely not welcome in this world - so, are these abusers and (what I consider) neglectful professionals right? Are these feelings just the natural and deserving punishment for not being 'easy on the eye', or can an ugly person experience body dysmorphia as much as a normal person?

[therising]

Hi Moonbeamer

First just want to say that I find people without filters to be highly questionable. Little kids I can understand and even people who don't have the ability to filter for one reason or another (say, like with some cases of autism) but everyone else is kinda insane. This is something that I've found over the years, through my own experience. It's kinda like 'Why the heck would someone say something that obviously feels depressing to people?' or 'Why the heck do people feel they have the right to comment on my appearance when I never actually asked for a critique'. I figure, if I can keep my thoughts to myself, why can't other people do that? Wondering whether you've ever felt the same. Seriously, what's wrong with people?

Attractive or unattractive, I think it all comes down to the kind of people we're around. If I wasn't married and I was around men who were seriously attracted to 53yo, semi wrinkled, grey haired 90 kilo women, I'd be in for sure. These guys would be swarming all over me. The fact is the types of guys attracted to such women are few and far between and if they all congregate in certain specialist dating groups, I'm yet to find such groups (not that I'm looking).

Mirrors...grrr! Don't know what there is about them but they definitely trigger a facet of me that I'm not a fan of, at all. It's quite a depressing part of my nature and has a brutal kinda dialogue. I can recall walking into a make up store about a year ago and I'm not sure whether it was the sage in me or some divine sense of guidance but what kept coming to mind was 'Do not look in the mirror'. Hard not to when there were mirrors absolutely everywhere. In between looking through the shelves 'Don't look in the mirror' simply kept coming to mind. You guessed it, I looked. Then it started...'You look old and pathetic. Look at you, your hair is grey and tied up in a bun like some old lady. You're dressed in fat clothes because you're fat. How could your husband be attracted to someone so repulsive...' and on an on it went 'til I got out of that store. I cried all the way home, as I drove through the tears. When I got home, I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and I think the sage in me had come back to life, for what came next was 'Cut your hair'. There I stood with a pair of scissors hacking through my long hair and then...when I'd cut it all to just above my shoulders...I smiled and said 'Good riddance to the 'old' me'. Btw, now it is purple and still short. 

I imagine there's a part of you that sounds kind and sage like. What I really dislike about cruel and opinionated people is...they lead us to listen only to the darker inner dialogue, to the point where every bit of positive inner guidance and truth is drowned out. Then, we can no longer hear the truth, just the lies that everyone has led us to fully believe is the truth. It's the kindest, most loving and most inspiring people who reflect back to us who we truly are. Such people can be hard to find at times, that's for sure.

[Moonbeamer]

Wow. Thanks so much for your insight, therising!

You are absolutely right about the filter factor - it strangely had never occurred to me that those folk ARE weird... but aren't they just! No, of course a half-way decently kind human would never even think of behaving or talking to others like that. I don't, and have managed to go through life without doing it... although I think if I was inclined to talk to people that way there is no way I'd get away with it! How they 'get away with it', or feel they can, is another issue altogether. I guess I have always thought that the only reason people could be so cruel is because they have been driven to it by the extreme shock of their revulsion and that I am the one forcing them to feel compelled to be horrible, that I am to blame ... now that sounds illogical. I've been giving them the benefit of doubt that they are responsible while they haven't really given me the benefit of being treated humanely.

Thanking you again... some of your sageness has made a difference and I love the sound of your hair!

[Moonbeamer]

I remembered an incident with someone I thought was my friend... She introduced me to her parents as 'bitchface'. She thought it was funny; her folks weren't shocked by her. I pretended to iaugh it off but I was shattered.

Later (much much too late)  I realised that this person was not my friend. I'm a good dressmaker - she asked my advice for her wedding dress but I wasn't invited to the wedding.

I've tolerated stuff like this, believing it is as good as it gets, as long as I can remember. 

[therising]

Hi Moonbeamer

There are definitely a lot of highly questionable people out there. Problem is we can keep a lot of our questions to our self, sometimes out of fear of being disliked, judged harshly, labelled with some horrible names etc etc.

It's like you can have some folk say 'You're such a horrible person' and we may be left to wonder and question within our self 'Why is that person so mean and depressing?'. Depending on the situation, I say question out loud by inquiring 'Do you know why you are so depressing and degrading at times? Do you know why you don't have a filter?'. Their response may be 'You can't say that' or 'You're so sensitive. Don't take it so personally'. Hmmm. More inner questioning, 'Can I say that? Hell yeah, I just did. Am I sensitive? Damn right! I can sense a depressing degrading comment when I hear/feel one. Do I take it personally? Absolutely! It wasn't directed toward any other person but me, although it is more of a reflection on the person who said it'. And if that person wants to call me an absolute cow (or worse), I shall wear that as a badge of honour, with a big simile on my face 😁. My inner cow loves me and will always stand up for me, unless I suppress her.

I can recall all the years where I kept my mouth shut, so as to please and be liked. When that started to change and I become more expressive, while giving myself permission to question people out loud, what I go a lot of was 'You've become such a b***h' or 'Why are you so hard to get along with all of a sudden?' and other such stuff. The answer, in general, is typically 'I simply no longer tolerate highly questionable triggering people whose comments and behaviour I can feel'.

While being highly sensitive can be extremely challenging and even depressing at times, if we can sense the nature of the people we're dealing with, sensitivity becomes a skill. Btw, I have always admired and even envied those who have the skill of dressmaking. To imagine how I wish to express myself and appear, in the way of what I wear, and to be able to bring that to life is something so soulfully beautiful.

❤️