Bipolar ups and downs

[Saree_p]

You know when those times hit???

When you seek the appropriate services to manage your condition.  When they turn around and say convention treatment isn't working and let's try this. The sinking feeling hits. Nothing is going to be. Nothing is ok.

The thoughts then darken further, if possible. Work is problematic and your unsure if you have a job. The one thing you are sure about, Nothing will ever change.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p

We are really sorry you are having this experience at the moment, it sounds like it is intense and really difficult. We want to thank you for posting and for sharing how you are feeling. While your expereince is unique, you never know who might read this post and feel less alone in what they are facing. 

If you ever want to talk to someone, we are here on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat - our team are friendly and ready to chat about anything you want to. 

We can hear that you may be having some tough thoughts, if you ever feel unsafe please call 000 straight away to get immediate support. 

Thank you again for posting to the forums, we really appreciate you being here and for sharing your thoughts. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Saree_p~

Welcome back. I've read some of what has been happening wiht your in one of your other threads:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/really-struggling/td-p/438438/page/10...

and wonder if you'd like to bring us up to date on your new partnership - no need of course if you don't feel it's appropriate.

By now you wil have read many threads like:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/this-bipolar-life/td-p/216490/page/97...

which of course is there for people with this condition - they seem  pretty friendly and active this week.

I've not got bipolar, but suicidality PTSD, depression and anxiety, so why am I posting here?  Well I can feel your discouragement when nothing seems have worked, and as a result you feel nothing ever will.

I can well relate to that as I seemed to be a beta-tester for all new meds that came into play, and most either had really adverse effects or did nothing. True the therapy helped, but that was it.  The only meds that did any real good were the ones that dealt wiht the physical effects of my condition -such as headaches.

However I'm now in a pretty good stage of recovery, thoughts are not a threat , and the other symptoms have receded greatly.

This is due to eventually finding the right medications - not new ones, but an old one combined with an unconventional one. I"d have to admit it is basically hit and miss, but we got htere as my psychiatrist was always looking for new avenues.

It's been amazing, the difference in life. something I genuinely thought could never happen.

So al I can say is that the past performance of meds and therapies may be highly discouraging, but hope is not completely lost.

Croix

[Leisa68]

Hi Saree_p

Yep I know how you are feeling, I have just gone through a lengthy episode where everything has been tried to lift the thoughts, but there they are and they keep coming back. I am now in a sort of recovery phase after battling my thoughts for over a year, and I attribute this to my psychologist who worked hard to teach me to change my thoughts, and this worked. Also, I believe that the time is in play here my thoughts were not going away, no matter what I did until they were ready. So I believe you need time to get better. That's not easy to hear but it worked in my case. I had my meds changed too, I do not think that did much, but my psych believed that the medication I had been on for twenty years had run its course.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you have understanding and supporting people around you. I also hope these feelings and intrusive thoughts end for you soon.

Leisa68

[Saree_p]

Thanks All,

Sorry for the delay in response, I appear to have caught a bug ontop of everything.

Yes Croix, how you doing? Been a little bit and that post feels like a life time ago.

Think I started that before I was diagnosed.

Since then, been nothing but med changes, which I understand, but we thought we reached a point where we had hit the money so to say. Apparently not, nose dived off the deep end in a matter of days not months.

Friday was an emergency appointment with psychiatrist (best we have found) and he just went, yeah we don't have many options..... I'm reactive and sensitive to meds, and all the main mood stabilisers that are known to work, either send me rapid cycling, or deal with just mania.  All was well with my latest medication, until this sudden nose dive.

I guess we just feel deflated, and mix that with deep depression, you have a picnic.

My partner and I got married in June. Honestly hasn't changed much.

I guess it's just hitting hard and I want to throw the towel in. 3 years and we still seem no closer to controlling it, instead, we are being told it may not be able to be controlled. I understand this happens for many. But I am someone that works, studies, and does things on the side. Except when this shit hits and I loose my job, and everything else. We have hopes for the future, but how are the supposed to happen with an invalid for a partner?

Posting was probably a bad idea, but was out of ideas of what to do.

My whole family and I had issues a week ago, and I've disowned them. My hubby now realises the hurt and damage they have caused over the years, so it's not in my head. My sister is the person I've been talking to, but clearly not an option.

Just feel so stuck and alone. 

[Saree_p]

So the night hits.

I'm sick, working from home and coping crap from bosses for it.

Husband comes home, you feed him and have his lunches cooked despite throwing up constantly. 

A fight is picked over the question if he would move to look at helping control condition. 

Well, now no husband. I'm nothing more than a convince. 

He won't talk or communicate and expects that this will blow over. I will settle. 

What am I settling for? To live when I don't want to? He and our future is what keeps me going. No longer exists. Not over exaggerating, he took my rings.... so great. New record broken. Congrats 

[Croix]

Dear Saree_p

I'm not sure what is worse for you , your medical condition that is so difficult to live with and treat, or simply being  devalued and not supported by the very person you look to for love and to cherish you.

To have your rings taken would - for me at least - be heart-breaking and not something I'd ever get over.

Working from home has it's own problems, and to get flack from the boss for it is shortsighted and unkind. The sort of person who probably would prefer to employ robots.

I don't know how you feel at the moment -like just giving up maybe. My illness took an awful long time before it responded to meds, but now I'm on a pretty well perfect combination -and that is something , like you , I would not have believed possible.

I found as my depression took hold that my view of the world shrunk. Not only did I have to deal with the  despair, self blame and lack of hope, but my mind shut out all the good things in the world as if they never existed. I forgot them all.

I use the free smartphone app BeyondNow with  great long list of "things I can do myself" to remind me of the good things, and to go do them. When down I've no brain power to think of anything, so this app makes it easy.

I'm not sure what you meant about your sister, is she someone that cares and is on your side?

Croix