bf cheated with sex workers

[lost_girl_101]

I found out over a year ago that my bf of 20 years had cheated on me with escorts from sex and dating websites and visited brothels locally and also when he had been away on his annual holidays without me. This had gone on for over 4 years from the proof i have but i couldn't go further back to know if he had done it our whole relationship. He denied it all and said he was only looking at pictures but his phone records show a different story, 50 calls to sex workers in one day was one of the records. I am still with him but every day I'm in tears and sometimes i don't even eat because i feel so sick about it all.

I don't know if he is still doing it as I'm to mentally drained to keep checking up on him so i don't look at his phone or anything anymore and i have suicidal thoughts on bad days, i sometimes wish i was dead so i didn't have to think about it all anymore.

I feel like i wasted so many years on this person and i love him so much and had always done everything for him.

Can something like this heal or will i feel like this every day forever, its already been over a year and tears still flow and i look at him and cant believe he lies to me when i know everything hes done, i just hadn't told him how much information i have.

20 years is a long time to throw away 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hey lost girl 101,

Thank you for joining the Beyond Blue forums,

We are so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment and acknowledge how tricky a situation this is to process and navigate. It sounds as though you would like for this relationship to work but are unsure how to address your boyfriend's past infidelity. We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. It might be worth finding out what they can offer you.

We're also sorry to hear you're struggling with thoughts of suicide. Please know you are valuable and your partner's actions are not a reflection on you. Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support? Please feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgmental space.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes 20 years is a long time. The question of course "should I stay or leave" can ultimately only be answered by you. Some spouses can tolerate their partner having sex with others all the time, others never. It's your call.

To be supportive I'd ask you- are you willing to look back after 30 or 40 years together and regret staying because he has taken up the old habits? Once trust is broken to this extent you are likely never to get it back.

As for the 20 year thing, I've had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years long, currently my second marriage has lasted 10 years and we are very happy. The prior 3 were terrible and each time I had to endure the grief and upheaval it brought. But you can do it and once over the initial stages you'll love dating again and the excitement of finding someone special, if thats the course you take.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

Report anytime

TonyWK

[G1231]

Hey lost girl 101. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, that must be tough as hell and its understandable if you are really upset by this. I'm going to offer you one piece of advice right now, please go to your GP, explain the situation to them and get yourself tested for any diseases. Sex is not as trivial as people treat it in our society and you obviously know you don't want to contract anything malicious.

[geoff]

Hello Lost girl, thanks for posting such a difficult comment and from what you've said it must be affecting you to lose the trust you once had with your partner after being together for 20 years.

There would be plenty of memories gathered over all of this time but as soon as this happens or has happened these thoughts seem to fade away because what he's done appears to break the connection between the two of you, as any type of infidelity puts a wedge in any relationship, young or old.

Unless any remorse or forgiveness is said by your partner and it needs to be genuine by letting him know what you need from him during this time can help him to engage in your process to be able to heal and then start the two of you in becoming partners once again because you are the one who is suffering.

Does the balance between you outweigh what's been done and then able to reconnect, however, if you have always done everything for him and he's broken this trust, then you need to make a decision.

Couple counselling and/or individual contact with a psychologist on a mental health plan, which allows you 10 Medicare paid sessions per year could be a choice before you make a decision, but this depends on the reaction you receive in this relationship.

Hope to hear back from you when you're available.

Best wishes.

Geoff.