Anyome know if its normal?

[Apollos_wife703]

An 11 year old girl, over a year ago i moved to my dads after my grandma found out my mum and her boyfriend were abusing me for years. I use to harm myself and have stopped since i moved but i feel utterly numb and empty inside. And its not like an 'oh i feel sad' way, NO it feels like ive never felt anything, when I self harm, it made me feel normal. I started when i was 10 and stopped at 11 after a few months, they were short but enough, i also get snappy at everyone and i dont mean to and i feel bad. Im the youngest and nit taken seriously, my feelings get brushed off by my sisters and brothers, and my dads not someone to talk to about it. I hate it because i always hear my sisters saying i know nothing about mental health when i tried killing myself at NINE and the fact i self harm, i had to grow up quite fast and learn to cook and clean and just be perfect to my mother. Despite being the younest im like the mother. I felt disguting because i never showerd or even cleaned my room, and it got so bad all i could was sleep amd go to school, half of my stuff was also molded. At a young age i was exposed to sex and sexual desires, i have grown a tendancy to it and i know its bad but i tried getting help and nothing worked and i cant help but feel utterly disgusted by it and i dont know how to stop. I feel numb and heartless, i hate even looking at myself, it reminds me of my mother. She used to neat me, scream at me and she would use my phone to watch porn and gamble on the pokies and say i did it. I know i shouldnt hate her but i honestly do. What she said made me feel worthless. I also experienced bullying by girls and boys in my school and class. If anyone knows how to stop feeling disguting or how to stop feeling dirty and numb, please reply to this as itll be severly appreciated or just share your own experiences, no matter what you shall always be welcome!<3

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_65161195,
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. It was so brave of you to reach out here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way. Thank you for letting us know about this.
We would like to talk through these feelings with you, so we sent a private reply to get in touch with you privately. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about self-harm, this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). If you do not need immediate support, we’d suggest reaching out to Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800). Kids Helpline offers free phone counselling services 24/7 or you could also contact that via email or webchat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/
Our community is full of lovely people, and some have experience of dealing with similar experiences. We’re sure they’d love to hear a bit more about you and may drop by and share their thoughts here once they spot your post.
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Apollos_wife703]

Hello, thank you for your email and your concern, i am completely fine now, i do not have any thoughts about harm for a while now and am glad that i havent. The post was mainly tel tell people that young people can also go through stuff that affect us, it was mainly asking how to stop felling numb.

Thank you for your concern and recognition to how i felt and checking on me, may you have a blessed day by the gods.

-blessings, Avali

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Apollo’s_wife703,

It is very normal to feel that numbness after what you’ve been through. It’s how the brain protects us from such experiences. I’m much older than you but have been through some similar experiences and the mind and body can certainly block them out by going numb. In my experience I am learning that it is a case of going very gently in starting to feel again which happens best when we are supported by safe other people. I can hear how you aren’t quite feeling seen and understood with the family members you are living with right now. Do you have anyone like a counsellor who is supporting you at the moment?

I also was made to feel worthless as a child and felt like a disgusting person. I have really learned now that I am not and I know without a doubt that you are not. One of the worst things about abuse is we can internalise what others do to us and say about us as feelings of shame, disgust and low self-worth. But those feelings actually belong with the people who have perpetrated abuse, not us.

You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead. You are a precious human being who deserves good things. There will no doubt be some work in life to do, processing what has happened in the past, but as this progressively happens you can start to feel better over time and also experience some good feelings. Sometimes there’s some processing of the not so good feelings to go through which can help to alleviate the numbness, but then that opens up our mind and body to being able to allow in good things and have positive feelings too.

Are there any self-care activities that can help you, like any creative interests? Maybe writing/journalling, or art or drawing? I love photography and music (I play guitar) and I find those things can help distract me when things feel difficult and it allows me to start feeling some good things.

Thinking of you and we are here to support you 🌸

[Iamsky]

Hi OP

i would just like to say, that with whats happened to you, was not OK.  i know many people who have to still deal with this. coming from a 12 Y/O i have also dealt with bullying but not anything else. the fault is not on you, its on your parents. Nobody should introduce sexual things until a reasonable age. Your mother should not have been watching porn at all, especially on your phone. the fact she was also gamblung is even worse. im always here to chat if you need

-Sky

[Iamsky]

(Spelling correction) gambling