55 Years Old And Feel My Life Is Over

[Guest_1573]

I am almost 55 with a 17 year old son. He is addicted to gaming. I have now become addicted to alcohol as the debacles that ensue with his truancy/rubbish reports etc have made me suicidal and alcohol takes the edge off. I won't bore everyone and I can promise you that he has serious consequences. Which fall on deaf ears.

This is actually about ME. How over the last 17 years since I left his violent useless father I have been crucified on a daily basis. By the ex, his family...but more so by my own SON. Who is incredibly spoilt and entitled. I am besides myself and I have no reason to continue as nothing will change! I begged his father to take him for a week but he took him for one day. I am ill...mentally and physically and I just don't know what to do anymore. Believe me... I have done EVERYTHING recommended/advised...all to no avail. I rang Lifeline on Friday as I was very close to finishing this horrible life . She managed to talk me down. I do not want to die. But I cannot live like this anymore. I have NOTHING to look forward to other than more of the same.

I just want to sleep all the time as I have nice dreams...well maybe not always nice but they are far more interesting than this one dimension hell I call life. I have zero motivation to do anything. Other than drink as that takes a lot of this away. I almost hope I die from my bad habits as I can't suicide.....

Anyone else have awful teenagers and no support...? To think of what I went through to have this monster....:( breaks my heart. And yes...I do love him....but I also hate him right now.

[tranzcrybe]

Of course your love is not in question, but you are all suffering and finding individual (equally destructive) coping strategies.
You need your son's affection, not abuse; and your son needs your support, not trinkets or servitude.
Sometimes just listening will lead to greater understanding, and talking openly (with a clear head and no agenda) should meet both requirements. Hm, I feel the need to add something here about apples and trees...
Remember Newton's third law: "any force on an object is met with equal and opposite force". But anyway, keep up the conversations and good things will surely come your way.

[Guest_1573]

Hi

Yes I am back again. Life is a drudge and a bore and I am sick of it. I tried to work again; that was a disaster with my many issues....I am still stuck in the same ditch as last time I posted. My ex refuses to help in any way. I am stuck with a 17 year old who is addicted to gaming and is entitled and useless. Yes that is horrid but it is true. I love him or I wouldn't be here.

I struggle to find a reason to even be here. I am just everyone's doormat. I have major issues with my so called family and I actually don't even want anything to do with them...or anyone much for that matter. I have seriously lost all motivation and my existence revolves around looking after my beloved dog and son. I have no social life. No partner. No hobbies. I suffer severe insomnia and neuralgia so I feel like death pretty much always. I have struggled for years to find any kind of motivation and now I am 56 and going through menopause I realise there is no reason.

The constant barrage of negativity hurled at us via the media is not helping. This covid saga has run it's course...I am SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. I am double vaxxed but still have to wear the disgusting masks everywhere I go. I feel that at the end of the day we have no control whatsoever over our lives. It is all up to the Government and if one has a teenager it is also up to them! How my day transpires...if he goes to school or if he doesn't; if he goes out with his idiot friend and takes drugs.....I have no support from anyone and I really can't see a reason to go on anymore. At least he gets my life insurance. I truly only go on as I keep thinking there might be one iota of hope.. and of course I have to be here for my beloved hound.

Sorry this is scattered. I have not slept more than 3 hours in the last six weeks. I had a mammogram recall last week and the scary thing is I actually hoped they would find something . As if they did I might get a break from all of this. Pathetic I know.

I just want to feel some reason for being here; some if not joy then at least something positive about life. All I have encountered is stress...financial; health; son; family....no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not a bad person; I have made many bad decisions but I find it hard to accept that this is my lot for the entirety of my life. In a nutshell I am totally disillusioned with EVERYTHING and truly do not know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading. Sorry to bring everyone down.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Panicmerchant, 

Welcome back this afternoon! We're glad to hear from you and you're not bringing anyone down! We're here to listen and support one another. It sounds as though things have been very stressful and heavy. We're sorry to hear you've lost all motivation and are struggling to find a reason to keep going. We can imagine it would be so hard to find the motivation when you're feeling so unwell due to insomnia and neuralgia. Have you spoken to your GP about these health concerns? It sounds as though you really love your hound; animals are so special. Have you considered any hobbies or volunteering in animal welfare? Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with us and please know that you're not alone here.

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via webchat which you can access through the link provided: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat . As well as the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 or via webchat through their website: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/suicide-call-back-service-onl...

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[tranzcrybe]

The pandemic has exacerbated the slightest setbacks in life, even blowing them out of proportion or just causing the 'coping bucket' to overflow. Then we start doubting ourselves, where in fact we are just dragging another chain of uncertainty along with us.

"my beloved dog and son" - priorities are absolutely in order! 😉
Your son has his own life and at that age there is a limit to how much impact you can have on his mindset. The ball is in his court now and you will no doubt be there when he stumbles.

Would I be correct in saying you have devoted yourself to family at the expense of your own interests (- yes, I guess family should equate to that, but...)? Maybe it's time to indulge and pamper yourself - become more self oriented and pursue your least fancy. Who knows, it might even draw people into your newly acquired lifestyle - lazing by the pool, weekly masseuse, weekend retreats... at least one significant getaway to recharge; or, if finances preclude, perhaps simpler pursuits of drawing, writing, or even shutting the world out with a good book. As long as it is all about you, it's all good!

You are definitely not a bad person; it's just that others have not offered the support and encouragement you deserve, leaving feelings of unfulfillment.
Heed those dreams of yours and make them a reality.

[Guest_1573]

Thanks Sophie for your response.

Yes I have spoken to many doctors and counsellors over the years. Last week I fell apart at the doctors and he prescribed me an AD which so far just makes me feel even more scattered.

I am very grateful to have people here to listen and help. I know deepdown that it is entirely up to me now; to make my life more of a priority and do healthy things not just sitting around eating/drinking/smoking and then worrying about my health! I am quite mad I am sure!

Thanks again.

[Guest_1573]

Thanks dear Tranzcrybe for your helpful response.

Yes; my beloved hound is certainly not an issue! I love her so; in fact I absolutely love dogs and am thinking of signing up as a sitter/walker! At least that is a 'job' I would be happy to do!

I have certainly sacrificed my own life and happiness for that of my dear boy. He is a lovely lad don't get me wrong. If anything his 'issues' are because of me. Because of me wrapping him in cotton wool from day one (IVF baby; traumatic birth; health episodes etc; he is fine now). I do spoil him rotten and I know he needs to take more responsibility for himself. For what its' worth everyone says what lovely manners he has and what a good job I have done in bringing him up on my own.

I know I need to cut the apron strings and find things in life for me. It is unfortunate (!) that I get no support from family but again; I am used to it so do not know why I would expect that to change.

Thanks again.

[Guest_1584]

Try not to be too concerned with family and support seems we all have our own lives at this age and fair enough. My families huge , and 99% just useless and selfish these days in that regard but maybe that's justified. They've got kids families busy lives worries and stresses too, how could l expect them to have time to fuss over me on top of it. l'm round your age, they're all 40s 50s . l have to be very careful about where l put what energy and care l have left after my own life daughter partner and troubles but they probably do too, Something l've realized last few yrs , maybe l expected too much and was unrealistic.

But at any rate , what l do they have nothing to do with anyway , l can be or do whatever l do that's up to me and it's probably the same for most really and for you too. One good thing about getting older l've realized so it's kinda got it's benefits as your life and world are your own and up to you. l really agree with others , start thinking more about you , doing and going for things you want in your life now. And that will help your son too.

Good luck anyway.

[Guest_1573]

Thankyou. You’re right; it’s high time I grew up and stop letting people make me feel so bad!