Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & everyone

I think it would take some conscientious practise to realistically step outside your first person point of view, which includes all the emotions, & take on the third person, objective perspective. From the third person perspective just observing behaviousr & the way Paws reacts & responds to whatever is going on, to watch Paws in their everyday activities, or being inactive, too, could be hard to do.

It' would like installing a camera & watching later on, to see what Paws was doing. Keep in mind. you are the stranger just watching. What do you observe? What detail can you see & hear? What emotional expressions & other behaviour? Ask questions, like a scientist & even, what questions do you think your own psychiatrist/therapist might ask. 

If I was sitting there with you, watching as Paws woke to a wet bed, I'd ask you to tell me what were your first thoughts & feelings? & what else you were thinking & feeling as the minutes ticked by. & why do you think you respond the way you do?

This is just a convenient example, but I'd like you to consider other things you do, other days & events, a variety of things.

Pretty soon, I think it won't be easy to be completely honest, or to stay neutral in your observations.

This is one thing I don't get about therapists, including my PDr, is how they can remain neutral, non-judgemental, unemotional, & unaffected by what patients express in their sessions.

Finally, I am supposing, whatever you observe about yourself, ideally, don't slip into judgemental reactions. Although I am sure you responded with care & compassion towards old Woofa. It's not as if he did it deliberately. However it is inconvenient & has made considerable work for you, so an immediate emotional reaction of anger, frustration, or disgust could be understandable.

Hmm, getting distracted into Facebook groups - I would have questions about that, too, if I was your therapist. But I'm not, so have fun!

Bathtubs can make good planters for large plants, or permanantly plug one for a fish pond?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello Quirky, Eagle Ray, mmMekitty, wave to everyone, 

The more I think about trying to have a third person objective the less I think it is for me. I didn't even manage to stay in third person for a whole paragraph in my last post & I think that was an instinctive realisation of what has now worked its way to the front of my thoughts. Thinking in the third person can still be judgemental, affected by bias or beliefs & however hard you try by emotions especially for those of us with mh issues... whilst the studies showed it was beneficial for some, I don't think it would be for me. I would rather try to acknowledge any emotions & work through them rather than try to avoid them. 

Eagle Ray I had to chuckle at your description of the loo in the field, I wonder what the local wildlife made of it, not to mention the farmers animals. I think I would be more worried about what creepy crawlies had made it their home rather than about being in the open. I haven't seen a bathtub someone could use in the bathtubs in the field group, it follows the travails of bathtubs used as troughs or simply abandoned in fields, all in fun with silly comments like "here we have a sighting of a rare yellow bathtub, not native to this part of Essex" best read in a David Attenborough voice. Some of the banter reminds me of The Goon Show sketches or Monty Python.

mmMekitty I discovered Woofa had wet the bed during the day when I went to get into bed. I've known this would likely happen given the other age related issues he has & so the only emotional reaction I've had is a sense of sadness at yet another sign of his aging body. On a lighter note the big "brave" Woofa was barking ferociously at something by the back door this arvo, turned out he needed me to remove a terrifying (size of my thumb nail) frog in the doorway so he could go out. The frogs are loving all the rain we have been having.

big hugs & nose bops from Woofa

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws, Woofa & everyone

It's fine to investigate,to spend some time thinking about things we discover & wonder if they would be helpful to us or not, & maybe not now, but later, even. & if you try a new technique & it doesn't seem to be working well at first, doesn't mean that with practise you couldn't get better at the task. But, yeah, you feel it isn't something unlikely to help, then that's okay, too.

Having tried to write short stories, maybe it would be easier for me to put myself into the third person perspective, but in doing that, I wonder if it would become an exercise in objectivity rather than an exploration of my feelings alonside my thoughts & behaviour.

I think it is a sort of wilful dissociation, which may not be the best thing for some of us to do. I mean, it reminds me of how I had dissociated at times when I was a teenager, to protect myself. Returning to that now seems likely to be unhealthy - I don't need to be in that protective mode anymore. That was a child's way of coping; now I want an adult way of coping.

I

t's sad that Woofa is getting on, & you watch wishing there was some way to keep Woofa young & healthy. 

I think our pets can teach us a lot about living in the moment, (re: the tiny terrible frog).

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws, mmMeKitty and All (and friendly pats to Woofa)

I love the idea of a David Attenborough style documentary about bathtubs in fields. “And here is a rare species indeed, a pink porcelain specimen from the 1930s. And over hear we have a shiny copper bathtub, rarely sighted in these parts.”

 I think you are probably both right, that trying to view things in the third person may be neither realistic nor helpful. I found it briefly curious and interesting, but not something I can sustain. I had an awful experience of de-personalisation a few years ago following a traumatic event where I lost all sense of “I” and “me”. While that’s unlikely to happen again I still frequently dissociate so don’t want to push myself further into that. If anything, I have a strong need of a sense of self which I think is often the case for people who’ve been through complex trauma.

MK, I sometimes wonder if therapists are more affected than they allow themselves to show. They may feel they need to appear neutral and unaffected, but possibly are more than they let on. I think some can kind of feel with their client which can be very healing, while still maintaining a professional boundary.

Paws, I enjoyed hearing about Woofa and the tiny frog. I don’t know how big Woofa is, but it left me with a humorous image of a big dog and minuscule frog looking at one another.

Wishing you all a lovely evening.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Eagle Ray, mmMekitty, wave to everyone,

Eagle Ray Woofa is a Great Dane... he will be 10 in two months time which is very old for a Dane... 

It is mozzie central here at present, every time I open the back door for Woofa an armada of the blighters swoop inside. I swear they wait right by the door in anticipation of getting in & having a good feed off me & forget about them coming out at dusk, around here they are out & about 24/7. 

I've had my field guide to birds out this morning, as I have had two little birds by my window today which resemble the female of the superb fairywren. I regularly have lots of the superb, but these have a flash of red under their wings & on part of their tail. They are not listed under fairy wrens in my book, so it looks like I will have to try google. I've not seen them before today.

I'm off to give Woofa his midday meal & then google here I come

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Wow, Paws, a Great Dane. That would be truly a contrast with the tiny Frog! Great Danes are beautiful. Woofa sounds like a lovely soul.

Your story about the mozzies reminded me of a short animated show on the ABC called Minuscule where various little creatures such as spiders, flies, mosquitoes etc get up to adventures in people’s homes.

 I love fairy wrens. I know there’s a few different species around the country. I wonder if the variegated fairy wren could be the ones you saw? I hope your google searching was successful.

Hugs from ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Eagle Ray, wave to everyone,

My google search was no help, I couldn't find any bird with the markings I saw. My guide book does show the variegated fairy wren & it is definitely not that, I am also outside that species area of distribution. I will have to hope they come back & stay still long enough for me to get a photo I can share on bird sites to get an i.d.

I am lucky where I live, being rural there is a lot of wildlife. I have a birdbath that I can see from my lounge & the superb fairy wrens are daily visitors, plus they spend time catching bugs from my window screens & bricks. I love watching them. 

We all know things come in threes & I'm dreading what will be my number 3. So far No 1 is my oven died on Monday, No 2 yesterday I knocked my phone to the floor (as have done before) & now it wont recognise the sim card. Please let No 3 be something minor as the first two are stressing me. 

I enjoyed Miniscule too, it was so well done.  I think it's a pity they haven't repeated it, I know I would watch it again.

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws, ER & everyone

I've been having a frustrating morning, & all through my lunchtime (carrot snacking, is all so far), trying to sort out backing up my iPhone whether via iTunes or iCloud, my password/s are not being recognised! Looks like I have managed to back up via iTunes, but I'm wondering why it kept opening up a window in iTunes England, asking for me to sign in with my Apple ID, when it seemed I am signed in with my Microsoft account? I even tried several times to create a new password, but the thing would not accept the code I was viewing or listening to (tried both code types). I feel like.

Plus my iPhone has been typing as if I am not using Voice Over. I thought I'd get into that & find out what my iPhone thinks my password for my Apple ID is supposed to be, but I need to sign in using that password first! & I couldn't tell if I was typing either the correct characters, (according to a note I'd made long ago), or too many without checking how many 'star' characters were up there.

I think I've just realised some change has occured in the typing mode setting, so hopefully, I have fixed that.

You know, it's not mandatory that a third thing needs to happen... not supersticious are you?

Now, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading about your Fairy Wrens.... but please, don't be sending me any superfluous mozzies.

Didn't realise Woofa was a Great Dane - he seems so cuddly to me! Now I know, I have an idea about climbing his legs, like climbing skinny tree trunks, & getting a great view from the top of his head as he goes for walks with you. [LRC sits like royalty atop Woofa's head, nose in the air, tail waving to everyone around]. Can you imagine?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, wave to everyone,

Don't let Woofa hear you don't think him so cuddly now you know he is a great Dane 🤔 he prides himself on his cuddliness & on being able to fit on anyones lap for said cuddles. I think if LRC wants to ride on Woofa's head she will need some essential items: 1. A pair of goggles (with wipers) to protect from any flying slobber, 2. A hard hat (just in case) as it is a long way up, 3. A comfy cushion as the top of his head is very bony (with a bone crest), 4. a good chiro because if he gets up a turn of speed & starts gallumping about the place then all LRC's bones will get a good shaking up. 😊

Oh you poor thing trying to sort out that mess with your phone, it sounds like they had you chasing your own tail for much of it. Why do they make things far more complicated than they need be. Have you looked at it today to see if it all now works?

I am dreading this getting a new phone as my old phone was a flip phone from before smart phones were a thing. I've been looking online at the various phones & I could get a similar phone to the one I'm used too, however these days it seems everything revolves around doing stuff using a smart phone, like QR codes, so I'm going to bite the bullet & join the modern age & get a smart phone. I will go into the telstra shop & let them do all the rigmarole needed to change over.

Am I superstitious? No, at least not to the extent my mum was, from spilling salt to breaking mirrors there wasn't any I can think of that she didn't believe. I don't actually believe things come in threes, but I am partial to Murphy's Law. 🤣

Hugs & nose bops

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws

I was thinking of long, long, legs, bony knees, chunky paws, lean bodies, thin whip-like tails ...  I ought to have remembered the bony skulls too, so thanks for the advice I will pass onto LRC, who can wear the padded space suit with the full-face helmet, if that does not take all the thrill out of the experience, then should be fine.

When you get your new smart phone, you could get them to show you a few basics & then you could find more online by typing in "how to [what you wannt to do] on my [smart phone you bought]. You might even find video tutorials. I can assure you the instruction booklet will look daunting, so, that's why I suggest tacking the basics like making a call, recieving a call, how to open & close aps, (it's good to close aps after use, & not have them open in the background, because you will save battery power. & learn how to charge the thing. If you need any accessibility features, ask about them. Maybe even get them to set up what you need.

No doubt, as soon as you get your phone, Telstra will send you a message, text or email, so you will need to learn how to use messages & email.

There are all sorts of aps & features these days. I think it's got ridiculous. These mini computers we carry around with us, no longer just a phone... I wish I could go back to using the simple mobile I first had, but that would not be practical anymore.

Like my PC, my iPhone is cluttered up with old info & notes, many old messages & the record it keeps of phone calls outgoing & incoming. Too much to keep on top of.

I did manage to fix up the problem with typing on my phone. It somehow was set to the wrong typing mode setting. I could only find that setting when trying to write a message, then I use the 'rotor' to select the typing mode. I think this ought to be a setting in amongst the other settings, so I can't have it accidently change.

Good luck with the new phone -  hope you learn how to use the camera & get some good photos of Woofa, & you, if you like selfies. If you get some photos you like, we can then talk about getting them up on your desktop, (if you are using one of these increasingly endangered technologies, thanks to tablets & smart phones).

Hugzies & Schnozbops (just seeing if my text-to-speech will say 'bops' properly if I change the word. It still says 'bups', but I rather like 'schnozbops'. What do you think?

mmMekitty