Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I hope you have been feeling much better today. It’s never nice waking up with a headache. I find they are often the tricky ones to shift because they’re often well underway on waking and not as easy to nip in the bud with meds.

It’s nice you are seeing the Rosellas. Are they Eastern Rosellas? I’m pretty sure it was an Eastern Rosella I saw two days ago. It was having a bath in some water just after a magpie had been bathing in the same spot. They have more yellow than the Western Rosellas I get where I live.

It would be interesting to know where they migrate from. During our period of drought in the west a large number of Purple Crowned Lorikeets settled in and around our town. But as soon as the winter rains came they disappeared. I think some birds migrated in search of water. Apparently barn owls were spotted in the area, also thought to be escaping the extremely dry inland areas, according to an owl researcher whose talk I went to.

I did more exploring today. I found an area I quite liked, not far from the city but with some peace and quiet and a bit more nature connection. I also spent time in some city gardens. I have one more day before returning west and will explore a suburb further out but with some close-by nature.

I continue to have some low mood states but it’s clear to me it’s the reduction in the hormone medication, so I keep telling myself that to try not to spiral into a bad state. Hormones are incredibly powerful how they affect us. If I can solve the histamine intolerance issue I could increase the hormone med again, which I know would lift my mood pretty much straight away as it did before.

 I find seeing new places is always renewing and good for the soul. So even though it was a struggle getting myself here, I value the opportunity very much and I know it’s been good for me.

Take care and I hope the remainder of the week is a good one.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I did reply to you but it seems to have disappeared into the ether. I won’t try to write it out again in case it latently appears. But I hope you are feeling much better now compared with yesterday. 

Take care and sending you warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to all,

It is frustrating when having written a post it then just disappears.  I have found that if I have a post still missing after a few hours, that by emailing the mod support team, they find it has simply been caught up as waiting moderation & was just missed, so they quickly release it.

Lots more sleeping from me.  I think it is just my emotional reaction to losing my sister working its way through my system.  Motivation is such an ethereal thing at the moment.  I am taking it as a positive that, even if I'm struggling to be motivated, I am still wanting to be motivated.  That makes me feel like I'm still heading in the right direction at least. 

Any plans I might have had about using the fallen trees on my verge for firewood are no more.  A team came & mulched everything.  I don't think they were sent out to clean up the storm damaged fallen trees from the roadsides as driving into my nearby village, all the fallen limbs & trees are still beside the road.  I think they were actually here to clear the overgrowth back from the state forest signage opposite me & just cleared my verge while they happened to be here.  Probably for the best, as my actually getting it all chopped up would have taken much more effort than I'm currently capable of.

I don't know if you go to the BBC news website, but I was doing my usual browse of the pictures submitted on it & thought you might like it.  At the top of the home page there is a link "in pictures" which takes you to a page with lots of options, from weekly set theme photos, news photos or photos submitted from each county.  

I hope your travels are going well.

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Your missing post has finally dropped...

They were Crimson Rosellas & so a lovely deep red.  I had to look up my field guide to see which Rosellas have yellow & you are right that the Eastern Rosella has yellow.  I think the most confusing of all though is it said that in SA they have what is technically a Crimson Rosella, but the crimson plumage is replaced by yellow.  Why not just call it a Yellow Rosella?  I've never seen an Eastern Rosella in the wild, which I find strange now given the guide says that their range is so large from the Eastern states through to SA.

I do love it when you mention WA birds as I always have to get my field guide out & it is always a new discovery for me.  The pale blue belly on the Purple Crowned Lorikeets is gorgeous, I am surprised to read that they are also to be found in Vic.

I'm glad you are finding your trip beneficial & that you are not finding the exploring overly tiring.  Sometimes running away for a few days can be so good for us.  I hope when you get back to WA you can sort out the issues you are having with your meds. 

I'm sending you a big 🐻 bear hug lass, as it is horrible always feeling low.

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Thank you so much for your kind posts. I don’t know what happened with mine but it just seemed to go into limbo for a while.

It makes much sense that the sleeping you are experiencing could be linked with losing your sister. It all happened quite quickly and I think the processing of what’s happened takes time and energy. I understand what you mean about wanting to be motivated even if struggling to be motivated. I do think it’s a good sign and I find I am similar in that I know my intentions are good even though I’m not always able to achieve all I want to. I feel you always take such an interest in the world such as your interest in wildlife and getting the wildlife cam. I think remaining curious and interested is what is healing for us and gives a sense of meaning and wonder. As long as that sense of wonder is there, I feel we remain connected with all that is meaningful and healing.

I returned home about an hour ago. I’ve just been sweeping up smashed glass from a light fitting that fell while I was away. It feels like another sign I’m not meant to be here. I only had two hours sleep so it was hard driving home. The hotel where I stayed in Perth was a cheap one and there were some dodgy, unsavoury things going on all night in the neighbouring room making it virtually impossible to sleep. I’m very low because of the med reduction but it’s the only way I’m keeping food down. I felt so sad arriving at the airport yesterday as these days I have no family and no one to pick me up. I’m really feeling isolated right now but I also know it’s my reality so I simply have to be tough and get through things alone. I had a good cry both last night and this morning.

But on the positive side, I did enjoy my time away. I enjoyed seeing different birds such as the Eastern Rosella. I remember seeing the Crimson Rosellas up in the Dandenong Ranges when I was 17. They are stunning. I’m glad you get them as visitors. I have seen rosellas in Adelaide that are probably the ones you mention and I too wonder why they don’t call them Yellow Rosellas.

The place I saw the Eastern Rosella was actually Geelong. I’ve been in your state, Vic, and have been thinking about moving to Melbourne or Geelong. I’m wanting to find somewhere open-minded after experiencing close-mindedness, racism etc in my town, and Melbourne seems like such an inclusive place relative to many others. Though I realise there are different areas and it may depend which area you’re in. But I actually really enjoy being in the Melbourne CBD and explored a couple of other areas I liked too. I spent time in Melbourne 11 years ago and liked it then which contributed to my interest now. It is of course a huge city. I also liked Geelong, but wonder if I might be less lonely in Melbourne. But Geelong is proximate to some beautiful nature places. Then I also think of the stress and expense of moving interstate and wonder if I should just move back to Perth. I clearly have no sense of home at the moment, but maybe my home is somewhere here in WA which I felt real affection for seeing familiar landscapes and towns as we flew over them on the flight yesterday.

It’s very sunny here today. The light in WA is so much brighter than what I’ve found in SA, Vic and Tassie, the other states I’ve been to. It seemed almost blinding today even wearing sunglasses. I had a look at the lovely photos you mentioned on the BBC website. Thank you for telling me about them. Sorry for such a long post!

Warm hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm glad you're back home safe.  Oh what a pain coming home to the shattered light fitting & yes I think I might take it as a sign as well.  

I can't begin to imagine how alone you are feeling right now.  I think moving somewhere that you feel is inclusive & suits your needs would be good for you.  We can make our own "family" by being with those who we feel the most connection to, the best bit is we get to chose them, unlike blood family.

Lass I can understand why moving to Vic would have some appeal, it is a big step though to move across the country.  One of the primary considerations I had moving here was the cost of housing.  There were other areas I would have preferred moving to, but I couldn't afford them.  Being on a fixed income that will have to be a consideration for you too, as you don't want to spend so much on keeping a roof over your head that you won't be able to afford to do the things that interest you & get you out in the community.  I have no idea how WA housing compares to Vic housing & both must vary depending on the location in each state.  

Of course transportation is another thing you will have to keep in mind, especially if you move interstate.  I need a car to live here & I took into account the fact that at some point in the future I will need to move into a township when I'm no longer able to drive.  Of course living in an inner city or regional town there would be the public transport links which could mean a car wasn't as essential.  I have friends who have lived in Melbourne without a car quite comfortably & they simply hire a car when they want to get away for a weekend or more. Having said that they are a couple & so they do not have to worry about using public transport alone late at night.

I do think that "feeling at home" affection for a place that you mentioned is something that can matter to us on an instinctive level sometimes too.  For some people it doesn't seem to matter & they move quite happily from frosty Melbourne to tropical Cairns for example, not something I could do (though Tassie has a lot of appeal & Antarctica even more).

I slept through Friday & only got up at about 3:30am this morning.  One benefit of being up now is it is chilly enough to have the heater on, so my washing (which is on the clothes horse from Thursday) may finish drying a bit quicker.  What an exciting life I lead 🤔🤣

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Thank you for your kind, supportive words. I agree, we can definitely make a family through the people we feel most connected to. I have a lovely friend in Perth who I would definitely miss if I moved across the country. I think I need to be in a larger population centre than here to find more people to connect with. The struggles with my health are such an impediment too as I want to do more socially but frequently my body just says no. More than ever I need to be around the right people for me who understand what it is to have limitations and don’t expect me to meet their demands and expectations. My life in the past was me taking care of others and them expecting that of me, so I’m trying to change the narrative of my life in the direction of healthy, reciprocal connections.

The cost of housing is a major consideration. I was only looking at the options of bedsits and one bedroom units in Victoria (and all other places too). One of the reasons for considering Geelong was there are some one bedroom units there and it’s in close proximity to some beautiful places such as the Otway Ranges and surf coast. After mum died I used my share of her house to buy a unit here. Since that time only two and half years ago the cost of housing has continued to rise dramatically. If I go to Perth, I will also only be in a position to buy a one bedroom unit and only in limited areas. Since arriving here, so many things have broken in this unit which is old and it has been incredibly difficult getting tradespeople to come and help me with the things I can’t fix myself. I have so much work to do here before I can even consider the possibility of trying to sell this place and go somewhere else. So I’m in a reality check now where I have to realise I have a lot of limitations and need to just work gradually towards what is doable for me.

One plus of Melbourne is how well connected a lot of the public transport is and, as you mention, it is possible to live without a car there. As I have worries with my current car having problems, the thought of not having to worry about a car anymore is very attractive. But, yes, there would be times I want to go to things at night and I might feel vulnerable going about by myself on public transport at late hours. I did feel quite safe in Melbourne CBD at night but I think that’s because there’s always a lot of people around. It would be different as you move out of that zone.

Going away made me realise how much of a close affinity I have with the landscapes, plants and animals here. My primary attachment as a child was to landscapes, plants and animals rather than people. That remains true for me and I realise it’s really important to me. I visited some coastal places in Melbourne such as Port Melbourne and Sandringham. I started to feel more at home in those places and I realised it was because there is coastal vegetation that reminds me of here. In Sandringham there are some tiny bedsits that were within my price range, but otherwise it’s an expensive area. But there’s a lovely walk there along the bay which you may know of. I got to the end of it near the harbour and saw a sign about the Rakali (native water rat). And then to my surprise a Rakali ran straight across the path in front of me! Things like that make me feel immediately at home in a place, that there is wildlife there. I’ve looked for Rakali at places where they live here in WA but have only found their shell middens from shellfish they’ve been munching on and heard rustlings in vegetation that may or may not be a Rakali. I love that they manage to persist in such human populated areas.

You are definitely doing epic sleeping Paws. I loved your comment about the exciting life of getting washing dry as my lounge room still has the clothes horses up from when I left for Melbourne with some clothes still on them. It was raining a lot for weeks and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to hang washing outside. But it’s sunny today and I have the washing machine going at the moment so it will get to dry in the sun today. I think I am back to mundane reality and my exciting life too 😂

I hope you have a lovely day Paws and thank you for being so kind and supportive.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I think getting a property ready to sell is the hardest part of moving.  Juggling how much of a price hit you will take if you don't do things can be tricky, especially as you have to factor in the time & costs of getting things done.  One thing I can suggest (which I did) is getting a few real estate agents out to give you an idea of what you might expect to get with your place as it is & asking them what they think you would need to do to get a better price & what that price might be.  I found it helped me to focus on what was the minimum I needed to do & what really wouldn't make enough of a difference to the price to be worth all the time & stress of getting done.  

It seems so many of us here on bb have had a past where we had to put caring for others over caring for ourselves or were taught not to put ourselves first & so we are needing to learn how to be kind to ourselves & prioritise our own wellbeing.  I know I still struggle with seeing myself as being worth the time & care I have always given to others.

It is wonderful to find wildlife flourishing in populated places.  Melbourne has a Peregrine Falcon nest that is on a ledge of a building in the middle of the city (it has 24hour live web feed during breeding season) & I read that Perth also has a nest as well.  I do love to watch them & the fact my computer keeps buffering or dropping out doesn't really matter because there isn't any commentary to be frustrated with & it doesn't spoil it if bits are missed.  

You left Victoria to soon, we had snow down to low levels today, including just an hour out of Melbourne.  Here missed most of the rain, but we have been under wind warnings all day, so I decided to put off driving into big town until tomorrow.  There are too many trees weakened from the last series of fronts I wasn't going to risk such a long drive in high winds.  

I hope you got some restful sleep back in your own bed & are feeling a bit brighter today.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I'm just seeing your message now from Saturday as I think it was held up like my earlier one was, so apologies for the late reply.

I've realised in the last couple of days it will really take me sometime to be in a position to move. It's quite a struggle with my health daily and I also realised that in pushing myself to go to Melbourne. I'm glad I did it and enjoyed it despite it not being easy, but I'm very conscious of the amount of stress I'm putting myself under if I do try to move. So I will keep looking into it but need to progressively get things fixed here that have broken since I arrived and just go one step at a time. I agree, it's definitely good to check with a real estate agent about what is worth fixing/doing up and what isn't. My main concern is putting myself in a financially vulnerable position. I've noticed units in my price range in Perth are going like hotcakes, faster than what I'm seeing in Melbourne. I have to think strategically about how I would make moving possible and financially safe.

Yes, it seems to be that so many struggling with their mental health have been carers and have not tended to put themselves first. I totally relate to what you say about struggling to believe I am worth giving the same time and care to as I have to others. I think the circumstances we grew up with created this pattern and I know for me, and perhaps for you too, it was like a survival thing that supporting others as a priority felt essential. What I can say with certainty Paws is you are absolutely worth that time and care yourself. It's amazing how hard it can be to see ourselves this way. It's like I have to try to think of myself as another person (if that makes sense) to provide care to myself.

I saw a bit on the Peregrine Falcon nest in Melbourne on the ABC Urban Birds program, but I didn't know about the Perth one. So I just looked that up and saw footage from a balcony in Crawley and it is lovely. The high-rise apartment is like a cliff face to them where they would normally nest so it makes sense they build a home up there. I'm glad you are able to see some of the footage even if your internet connection struggles with it a bit.

I noticed looking at the weather in Melbourne just before I left that it was going to get quite a bit colder. That's amazing to have snow just an hour from Melbourne. In WA the main place for snow is Bluff Knoll in the Stirling Ranges. It has occasionally snowed in some southern inland towns such as Manjimup. I just looked up if it has ever snowed in Perth and Wikipedia said no but that there have been light snow falls in the Perth Hills, but the last was 1968. As things are warming with climate change I'm imagining that might not happen again, though things are quite erratic with the climate now so maybe it could.

Yesterday I visited an area on the edge of my town known for its biodiversity. I'd heard it had been really impacted by the drought. I hoped some seeds may have fallen and grown up this spring, but what I saw was pretty devastating. The area is about 80-90% dead including all the trees around it. The last two springs it has been so beautiful there with so many different wildflowers. I did see a few Vanilla Orchids and Donkey Orchids plus a very rare local orchid that seems to be growing extra tiny as if it knows it can't grow as big anymore. But most of the shrubs are dead. Things can have a way of coming back so I'm hoping that may happen in progressive years. Just out of that area I met a tiger snake sunning itself. I don't mind snakes at all and said, "Hello mate". We had a few moments of regarding one another before I moved on. It felt good to see wildlife about and surviving in nearby somewhat healthier bushland.

I hope you had a good drive to the big town if you went yesterday. I also hope it didn't get too wild and windy. It has been incredibly bright sunshine since I got back here and it felt like summer when I was walking yesterday. I'm making the most of getting washing done in perfect drying conditions. I'll try to get out into the sun a bit later.

I hope you are having a lovely day Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

That's ok lass, never any pressure to reply to me.

It would be devastating seeing an area so decimated by the drought as you describe.  Years ago I would have said nature is used to these events & bounces back, now with climate change I worry that different ecologies are being pushed past a tipping point & recovery is no longer a given.  Plus there is the problem of the water tables being affected by humans pulling too much water from the deep aquifers, which reduces the water plants can access.  Seeing the orchids must be a good sign though, they are always a lovely find.  Hopefully having the local wildlife moving through or around the area will help spread seeds & aerate the soil to encourage new growth.  I hope you managed to take some pics of the orchids, I think they make beautiful photos.

I have a few tiger snakes living on my property & apart from when they wander inside, I'm not greatly bothered by them either.  I think it just needs some common sense to coexist with them & they do help keep the mouse population down.  Teaching snake aversion to my next furry friend will be a must.

I think it is good you are listening to your body & focussing on your mental health when it comes to moving.  Having goals that are realistic & fit with what you can do must be better all around for you.  Small steps are good & as long as you feel you are moving forward (however slowly) it will hopefully make moving something to look forward too rather than another worry.

Yes you do make sense saying that you have to try & think of yourself as another person to care for yourself.  I think it was Moon on the cafe thread who was talking about how when it is just oneself to cook for we so often can't be bothered & Grandy said how she makes herself cook something special for herself at least once a week.  I must confess I don't cook proper healthy meals very often  lately.  I didn't go to big town until today as this area has been under wind warnings all weekend.  But I did nip into Woolies while there & now have what I need to make a pot of stew tomorrow... so that will be at least healthy.  I only had a curried egg sandwich tonight.

I hope you managed to get out in the sun today, it won't be long before it's summer bite kicks in & it won't be so nice to be in.  More lovely rain her & things are looking much greener.

Hugs

Paws