Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, Eagle Ray, Croix and readers,

Paws I’m so sorry I haven’t been on yours or any other thread for a while now….been struggling a bit mentally…I have started read your thread going back a few weeks first and just read about your sister…If it’s okay I would like to say how sorry I am that she has passed and send my love and deepest condolences to you and your family….🙏🩷🤗..along with a caring hug….I feel a bit ashamed that I’ve been caught up in my own head for so long and not came to visit you.,.please if you can forgive me….I’m really sorry 😞…

I will continue to read and catch up on what’s been happening in your life sweetheart and will be back soon once I’ve done so….for now Paws please do look after yourself….you are important and valued to so many people in this beautiful community including myself…

Thinking of you all with kind thoughts and sending hugs 🤗 to those that want or need one…

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Croix, ER, Grandy & all,

Croix it is good to hear you are all safe.  I hope the damage is very minor & easily fixed.  I will keep everything crossed you get the power back on soon.  

ER I'm genuinely amazed that the skink took on a magpie & won.  Magpie beaks are daunting weapons & I would have thought any self respecting skink (whatever size) would avoid them at all costs.  

Watching that man play with just his mind must have been fascinating to watch, especially in 2011 when the technology was still very much in it's infancy.  There is so much about our minds that is still unknown or poorly understood, it does give me hope that in the future greater understanding will help cure so many mental health issues we battle with now.

Grandy lass you do not need to apologize for anything.  I know how hard things have been for you lately, especially losing Ebony.  You are a dear sweet friend & I don't want you to feel bad for any reason.  Thank you for your hug.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws, Grandy and Croix,

I really hope things are returning to normal Croix and that you have power and hopefully no major damage. I hope you, Mrs C, Sumo and Foxy Dog get some restful time by the fire this evening.

Paws, I wish I had a video of the skink chasing the magpie I could send you. His body language was fierce and the magpie didn’t stand a chance. I’m almost expecting to be chased out of my own backyard! He certainly doesn’t budge when I’m out there doing the watering or hanging out my washing.

It’s lovely to see you here too Grandy. I just posted in your thread. Please don’t feel bad about anything at all. You are always such a kind, beautiful presence and as Paws says you’ve had so much to deal with yourself and we are always here to support you.

Tonight I’m staying in a pub by a very noisy main road near the airport, as heading out for a break to another city and regional centre to investigate a possible new place to live. I’ve been quite ill in recent days with a lot of difficulty keeping food down because of a reaction to medication. Then my car decided to break down (again) in a bad spot in the hotel carpark. With hazard lights on for a while I managed to get it restarted. It’s a bit unnerving for tomorrow when I take it to the airport long term parking as I’m on super busy roads and I don’t want it breaking down in the middle of that. 🙈 Three mechanics and one auto electrician have not been able to solve it. So right now I’m exhausted but I am determined to enjoy my break away. Like you mentioned in your thread Grandy I need a change of scene. The idea started just as a break away but I can feel that at some point in the next year or so I’m likely to move.

I hope you all, and anyone reading, have a lovely evening.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, Grandy & Croix,

Oh ER you are having quite a run of ill health aren't you lass.  You have had a number of stresses recently which probably isn't helping your overall health.  I hope you have finished the meds that have been making you ill & your tummy settles so you can enjoy your time away.  

I've kept everything crossed for you that your car behaved itself & you have gotten away on your trip safely.

After commenting how surprised I was that during the wild weather my power didn't go off as usual... guess what... lots of rain today & the power in the area has gone off.   

The poor magpie, it probably didn't know what to make of your feisty skink.  I think if your skink is out of sight when you garden you will have to watch your fingers as it sounds like it might be a bitey skink.

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm feeling very tired.  Stupid me I wasn't able to stop thinking about something completely unimportant, which my logical, sensible self knows wasn't even worth a single second of thought.  I call it the paper cut syndrome, they hurt out of all proportion to their size & you can't ignore them.  Sometimes thoughts are out of all proportion & you can't ignore them either.

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws, Grandy and Croix,

Paws, I know what you mean about being in a thought loop, especially at night. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the early hours and a thought will begin worrying me. It’s seems like such a big deal in the night. Then I eventually go back to sleep and later the thought doesn’t seem nearly as challenging any more.

My day was very stressful involving losing my driver’s license (eventually located) and long term parking at airport being full even though I’d prepaid and booked. Very long and exhausting series of events where I thought I was going to miss the plane. Then developed a migraine on the plane. Medicated with milder drugs and stronger ones from suitcase after landing that stopped me getting to the totally incapacitated stage. It was a massive effort to get to the accommodation here. At least my car did not break down again this morning.

Just felt really alone today. Still in pain but managed to keep most food down today. The med causing problems is part of the hormone medication I’m on that’s causing increasingly severe histamine intolerance reactions. I reduced it last night but have breakthrough depression as a result. The hormone meds are what keep my mental health stable but I can’t go on unable to keep food down.

Sorry to be so down. I will make every effort to make the coming days better. My idealism about what I think I can do almost always exceeds what I’m able to physically handle. I realise if I do move it will be extremely physically hard for me and create some financial stress too. Yet I feel I don’t have a home where I live and that I really have no family now. I don’t actually belong anywhere or with anyone. I’m trying to grasp the possibility of finding a future in which I’m not isolated. I’m looking for a bigger population but feel I don’t want to return to my home city. I was that desperate I got on a plane and travelled across the country.

I hope you can sleep well tonight Paws. I’ve found podcasts so helpful for going to sleep but I know you might not be able to play them with your internet connection. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried audiobooks? I think I remember MK talking about audiobooks for sleeping and I remember Grandy mentioning sleep stories I think. I find it’s soothing hearing other human voices talking in a friendly, kind way. I will probably listen to a podcast tonight actually.

Sorry I just rambled so much. I just felt so lonely today and wished there was someone to give me a hug. I look after fluffy cat later this month and I know that will help me.

Have a lovely day tomorrow. I’m going to make sure I have a good day after today.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass... here is a long comforting bear 🐻 hug for you.  I wish I could give you one in r/l.

You do sound so very low & a migraine on top is the last thing you need.  I think when you get back it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your med regime.  With all meds there is the risk of some side effects, but I think with the increasing issues you are having with the ones your are on, it is probably time to discuss changing things.  Perhaps even going on an antidepressant rather than using the hormone meds or simply changing the dosages of what you currently take.  Finding something that works for you is possible, it just might take a few trials & errors. 

I hope after a good sleep you are feeling brighter & able to get out & about.  Take some time to see the sights & simply be in the here & now while you are away.  Give your mind a break & leave thinking about the future til you get back home.  

Having a podcast or audiobook to go to sleep is definitely not for me as it would make me feel unsafe.  I leave a light on at night so if I wake I can see I am alone & safe.  

More hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you so much for the comforting bear hug 🙏😊 Today was a better day. The migraine finally eased about 8am and I was able to spend the morning walking about with my camera which is so therapeutic for me. I then had an afternoon nap and went out for a bit more of a walk this evening. I have a fast lens (can cope well in low light) so I was able to get some nice night scenes. The histamine reaction is strong again now with a cough but I’ll have a cup of rooibos tea shortly which should help calm things a little.

I’ve attempted talking to GPs about the histamine intolerance but they don’t know anything about it. The naturopath is the only one with suggestions and he suggested a supplement which helps to break down histamine. So that is helping at least some of the time. I see the hormone specialist next month and will ask what she thinks of reducing the hormone med further and maybe adding in an antidepressant. Unfortunately some of the main antidepressants make histamine intolerance worse as well so it’s a bit of a minefield. I’m going to try some meditation techniques. I’ve been reading how there is a link between histamine intolerance and ptsd. I think it has a lot to do with nervous system dysregulation that contributes to mast cell activation which has been a huge issue with me with past conditions. It all comes down to chronic trauma from birth for me which has basically triggered so many lifelong health issues. I want to prove they are not lifelong and I can heal them.

Did you have a better sleep last night Paws? Speaking of paws, I’ve seen lots of dogs today. I saw a Golden Labrador receiving guide dog training. The trainer had a shirt indicating he was a trainer. He rewarded the dog with a treat each time he did not react to noise or movement. I saw lots of dogs being walked in the city. Some had costumes on! I also saw a man carrying what looked like a boxer puppy who was very cute 🐶💗

I understand about not wanting a podcast or audiobook. I think we are all different with how things affect us. I went away with a friend once who has to have a light on at night. It’s important to find what works for you and brings you comfort, peace and safety.

I’m heading to a regional centre tomorrow where I’m thinking of living. It will be interesting to get a sense of how the place feels.

 Hope your weather has fully calmed now Paws, and yours too Croix, and anyone else who has been in storms. May you sleep well and have a lovely weekend 🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, 

I'm glad the migraine is gone.  

I hope you managed to get an idea of what the regional town is like & what it offers.  Even though it is possible to go online & see what services & groups are available in a new place, I agree it is important to go & see a place in person.  I think you can get an idea just by walking around places where people congregate like shopping centres, as well as checking out places like parks & how well they are maintained or used.

My wildlife camera has arrived.  I forgot to grab batteries for it when I was at the shop, but that doesn't matter as I've discovered it needs a memory card which isn't included.  So I have ordered one & now the wait begins for it to get here.  

The weather is very calm here & I've even been getting good rain this week.  The creek is finally flowing well, but it is still far too low for this time of year.  

I've been looking at puppy pictures trying to motivate myself to do what needs doing before I can get one.  It is working a bit, I'm not getting lots done, but I am doing a little something each day (sometimes a very small something) & I think the journal is helping with that as well.  I think this is the longest I've managed to keep journaling for some years, the puppy pic/journal combo seems to be working for me.

Safe travels

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I think making those small bits of progress each day is all that matters - to go at your own pace and do what feels right. It’s great you’ve been able to keep on with the journal writing and also feel some motivation from the puppy pictures. I have looked at the websites of dog rescue places many times and felt the pull of energy towards potentially getting a dog. Just seeing them is motivating. But given my uncertainty about my future home I definitely can’t be getting a dog right now. I imagine you are experiencing warm, fuzzy feelings looking at puppies. It’s very therapeutic 🐶🥰 I saw a gorgeous little white dog in a pram today. I think he was a Scottish Highland Terrier as I just looked at photos online and they look just like him.

I’m glad you have your wildlife camera. It will be exciting to see what may be out there. I think I remember Croix saying something about the device he uses enables the ability to fast track to see where the camera has captured footage so you don’t have to sit through long periods of inactivity. I think maybe this happens automatically with the infra red sensor somehow, so it records activity but not inactivity? You may discover a new species Paws!

It’s lovely you have calm weather and also that the creek is flowing. But, yes, it would be so good for the water levels to be up more. In south-west WA we have actually had good rains after what was like a drought of 9 months. We seemed to have an extended summer with no autumn at all, just an abrupt transition into winter.

I visited the regional centre today. It was lovely but I have a feeling it isn’t my new home. Of course I could only do and see so much in a day, but I didn’t feel it was quite the right place for me. I seem to be in a phase of trying to reconnect with the world. My own small town has started to feel claustrophobic, though I find relief in the beautiful nature places around the town. I’m reflecting on two internal drives I have, one to run away from people and be in nature (strongly driven by complex trauma) and a drive to connect with people. The latter is getting stronger which I feel indicates a healing pattern. Back in the big city tonight I’m even thinking about the possibility of living here when I previously thought I’d never live in a city again. I know I still need nature contact though which is so deeply grounding and connecting for me. I’m at an unusual crossroads.

I hope you have a lovely week ahead Paws and that you keep finding benefit in your journal writing. I think it’s important to do something you enjoy each day. Sending you peaceful, warm wishes.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Finding the right mix of human contact & space in nature might take you a little while to discover, but I think the search itself may do you some good.   I think it will help you clarify what degree of importance the things you want in your life hold.  It may also help you discover things that appeal to you that you hadn't thought of before.  

I woke with a thumping headache this morning & though the otc meds finally cleared it, I've been feeling blah all day.  I think I will be off to bed soon.

A day of driving rain & wind, with brief patches of sun in between.  I have Rosellas that appear at this time of year as the males are busy trying to impress the females.  The thing is they then disappear again & I don't know where they nest or even spend their time the rest of the year.  I am curious why my tree is their preferred place to meet up.

I don't know how much longer you will be on your travels, but do find some nature to relax in.

Hugs

Paws