Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Croix]

Dear ER, Paws and All~

Memory is it's own world. That time of surety and love is fresh in my mind. All buildings used to be of brick and tile, with walls and sheds of fitted stone - The garden a permanent repository of gooseberries, raspberries and vegetables.

Sadly it is only in my mind, when being silly enough to use Google Earth it looks like my grandparent's house is the last in the row, and from then on car-park. No trees, no crows, no higglydy piggldy set of lanes between the houses leading to the beach, just neat rows of cars, each in it's allocated space on the black tarmac.

Funnily enough it does not stop my enjoyment of my fond memories, just a reminder one cannot go back.

I have many more memories of that time and can skip back easily when I wish.

I doubt the inebriated kiwi's beaks will get stuck as they will be just the right shape for emptying the last dregs from bottles and are in use all the time.

The wrens are not here yet, we get the 'superb' breed. At the moment we have a gang of dumpy little white-eyes mobbing each bush, then moving on to the next.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix, Paws and All,

I too have used Google Earth to look at places from my childhood that have changed, including a relative’s farm. I agree it is possible to hold the memories of the places and experiences as they were, even when there are visible changes. I love your description of the higgldy piggldy lanes. I like that sense of things being less ordered and urbanised. In the suburb I grew up in there were the old dunny cart lanes from a time before sewerage systems were in place and sewerage was collected to be removed from the premises. While no longer used for that purpose, they remained as throughways in my childhood that were like country lanes with overgrown grasses. These days they have been bitumenised and gentrified and even given a signposted name. The houses they ran behind that had large backyards with fruit trees and big old gum trees are now multiple sets of units with very little in the way of trees and vegetation. It is a different world.

I feel the ability to return to memories can be a very powerful healing tool. From what I’ve learned, the brain and nervous system respond in the same way as if you are actually back there. So just visualising and remembering has the same effects on the mind and body as when you were in the actual experience. I have learned to use this as a calming tool. I had a psychologist get me to recall a place I felt especially peaceful in, and easily I thought of a favourite lake where I used to photograph water birds. Remembering myself sitting in my favourite spot there with the sights and sounds and how it felt can bring me to a peaceful place within.

It’s early morning here and I’ve only slept about 4 hours. I have had some challenging boundary issues this week but I feel I am progressively getting through them successfully, but it may be affecting my sleep at present. Due to some unethical conduct by someone, the details of which I won’t go into, I now have to drive an hour today to a neighbouring town to sort out a mess with a service provider. It’s frustrating on the one hand and annoying when I’m tired, but I’m getting better and better at staying calm in such situations and supporting myself through it.

Paws and Croix, is it warming a little where you are now? I’m wondering if the impact of the Antarctic blast as it was described is subsiding. We had a very cold day here on Saturday which felt like maybe a bit of that cold system passing over.

Feeling peckish so I think I’ll rise and start breakfast. I can’t help thinking of that rice pudding you described Croix and I feel like a bowl of it 😋 Perhaps I will make some rice pudding soon. I did make an orange and chia seed cake last night so I have that to look forward to for later.

Wishing all a beautiful day.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER, Paws and All~

I agree that memories, in the same way as traumatic ones can do ill that pleasant ones with all the  comforting associations they bring can indeed be a powerful respite and remedy

I've probably mentioned this ot oyu before, pologies if so, however it is a place of retreat and growth, being both calming and also reminding me hte world has more in it than I've been preoccupied with

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/alone-depressed-sad/m-p/348949/highli...

Yes why not make a rice pudding -complete wiht skin and cream to go wiht it. Nain's other specialty was bread and butter pudding, complete wiht raisins. Looking back I should have taken more time to  savor them rather than wanting to dash off on some small boy's fancy.

Having ot straighten out other people's messes is a pain, I hope their effect did not come as an inconvenient surprise. As you are out driving is htere anywhere you might stop on the way back that you  might enjoy?

I hope it is warmer for you both, it's gone from -8 at night to +1, which is pretty good

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix, Paws and All,

Thank you so much for your post of the description of that special place by the ocean in North Wales. I do remember you mentioning this now I think in another thread at some point in the past. It is a beautiful description and I relate to it very much. I have a place by the ocean near where I live now that sounds very similar (minus the sheep!). I sometimes stay up there in the wind and just connect. I feel like there are ancient spirits in the rocks present with me and it is a safe place.

I agree too that these special places and memories are the positive antidote to the traumatic memories. In the Somatic Experiencing approach he developed for healing trauma, Peter Levine speaks about such memories as islands of safety and encourages people to connect with such sensory and feeling memories as a place they can always return to.

Speaking of places by the ocean, on my car journey today I did deviate to an ocean location and very much enjoyed being there. There were rain showers moving through quite quickly followed by bursts of sunshine then more rain showers and so on. The light in the landscape kept changing and it was beautiful. I solved the issue I was seeking to resolve too, so this was like my reward and relaxation after that matter was sorted.

I will definitely be trying a rice pudding. A complicating factor I have thought of is my allergy to casein (especially that in cow's milk that I'm very allergic to). So I won't be using milk or cream. But I know there are versions of rice pudding with coconut milk so I will definitely be exploring those.

-8 is cold! I'm glad it's a bit warmer for you now. We occasionally get what are called apparent or "feels like" temperatures that are just below zero, but I think the actual temperature almost never gets that low. I'm glad it's a little warmer for you. I hope you, Mrs C and Sumo are having a relaxing evening by the fire. Paws I hope it may be a bit warmer for you too and that your foot warmer is really helping.

Sleep well 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

I've also used Google Earth to look at my Grandparents farm house & found nothing remained that was familiar,  I'm glad I still have my memories.  

Croix I just re-read your post about watching the storm approach, which is something I have always loved doing.  I can do it here looking out over the valley towards the coast, though I must admit these days I tend to be indoors looking out, rather than being caught up in it which I used to find so energising.  You did remind me of how delighted I was to see sheep with tails when I was in the UK for the first time, I was so accustomed to seeing docked sheep on my relatives farms.  That & the variety of sheep breeds (& cattle) that changed from county to county.

ER I'm glad you rewarded yourself by going to the coast after solving your issue. That is such a lovely way to unwind & settle yourself.  

Bread & butter pudding with raisons... yummm.   I haven't made that in years.  We didn't have rice pudding growing up, instead we had Sago Pudding which I must confess I'm not a big fan of.  Other winter treats were Golden Syrup Dumplings & homemade self saucing pudding either made with plum jam or cocoa.  

I do love the cooler weather, but Croix I think your -8 is a bit too cold for me.  Thankfully it has never been colder than about -2 here & that is only a few times each winter.  Mostly I get 0 to 3 degree nights in winter which is cold enough.  I do remember growing up the pipes at our house were all wrapped to stop them freezing, as it was much colder there than where I am now.

Yes the foot warmer is getting used a lot.  I have it on the mid setting which is a very mild warmth, so enough to stop my feet feeling cold, rather than making them feel warm.  

I hope you are both still in the land of nod at this hour.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws and Croix,

I have woken up from the land of nod again. I’ve managed 3 hours sleep so far. Hoping to return there at some point.

We also sometimes had sago pudding and I too was not a great fan of it. I wasn’t quite sure about the texture or taste. Perhaps I’d like it more now but as a kid it was not my favourite thing.

I’m glad the foot warmer has the ability to prevent your feet from being cold without making them too toasty. Being overly warm can be uncomfortable too.

I too did not see sheep with tails growing up. I did actually see a sheep with a tail the other day though and really noticed it as it’s not usual. Yesterday I saw dairy cattle in a paddock near here that all had horns. Often cattle have their horns removed and I’ve read this can be a painful process for young calves. It seems much kinder and nicer to not do this to them. An interesting thing I noticed were these cattle were not flighty at all and seemed very calm and confident. I couldn’t help thinking that when they still have their physical features that are part of how their body can defend themselves, they may actually feel safer and more secure in their bodies.

Thinking about cold temperatures, I remember being on Stewart Island/Rakiura in the summer in NZ, so the most southerly place inhabited by people there. I was in the backpacker hostel and the central heating automatically came on in the early morning. I can only imagine how much colder it would be there in the winter. On my last full day there it reached a max of 20. The locals viewed this as a heatwave and I remember a woman saying, “I nearly died in my garden today” because she found it too hot gardening. I went to get fish and chips that night wearing my polar fleece jacket and locals were wearing singlets and shorts. I stood out like a sore thumb as an obvious non-local. I still remember a cheeky kaka parrot sitting there hoping to get some of someone’s fish and chips. I loved the eccentricity of both the kaka parrots and the tui birds, a kind of wattle bird with two voice boxes enabling them to make the most interesting sounds. As someone pointed out to me they sound a bit like the beeps, squeals and whistles of R2D2 from Star Wars. They would end this phrase with a scraping noise like a squeaky door sitting badly on its hinges. I would go to sleep to this sound as they’d still be doing it at twilight as sunset was so late that far south. On the morning I left I had tears in my eyes as I could hear the kakas and tuis calling and knew I was going to miss them so much.

Well nice and toasty here and listening to a possum on my roof and what I think may be a rodent in my wall. I’m guessing you may still be awake in the wee hours too Paws. I hope you can get some sleep. Sending restful vibes.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

ER I'm still awake, however I only woke up about 10pm yesterday after sleeping close on 17 hours.  It seems we are being opposites with me sleeping too much & you not enough.  I hope you managed to nod off again.

I'm one of those people who is in summer clothes when the temperature reaches 20 & yes I find it too hot to work outdoors in the afternoon sun on those days too.  It is about 14 degrees inside now & my heating is off & I'm wearing a 3/4 sleeve t-shirt & feeling very comfortable.

Not all cattle without horns have had them removed.  Over the centuries many cattle have been bred to be without horns (called poll cattle).  Even within a single breed, some lines are poll & some are horned.  I understand when the horn buds are cauterised these days they do use anaesthesia.  But I agree that unless it is needed for the cows welfare it would be kinder to leave them in place if they have them.  I've found dairy cattle are usually less flighty than beef cattle, I've always put it down to the fact they are handled far more.  Though as milking sheds are becoming more & more automated I guess that won't be the case for much longer.  One thing I've noticed over the years is how much bigger each farms herds have become as automation increased.  There are still some mostly derelict old milking sheds hereabouts & they look so tiny compared to the modern ones.  I have lovely memories of visiting the dairy farm opposite my aunties when I was a little tacker, the farmer knew all his cows by name & most of them loved an ear scratch.

My bird bath is a hive of activity right now which reminds me of what you wrote about how fairy wrens doing a hovering type glide & it is in full show here as they move between the bath & the rushes next to it.  They really do manage to move about without flapping their wings.

Your description of the tui birds call sounding like R2D2 made me chuckle.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Thank you Paws, yes, I managed to nod off again. It seems like your body must be needing the sleep if it is sleeping that long. I only rarely sleep beyond 8-9 hours at the most in a row. However, I often need lie downs in the day and may have additional sleep then. Before I was on the current liver med I was barely awake most of the time and only active and able to move around about 3 hours a day. Then hormonal changes caused major insomnia but the hormone meds I went on fixed that. I think I’ve had some anxiety triggers that may have contributed to being wakeful the last two nights. Trying to figure out our sleep patterns can be tricky.

That’s interesting to know about the poll cattle. I hadn’t realised before there could be poll and horned cattle within the same breed. That makes sense about the dairy cows being less flighty because of being used to being handled. These ones in a paddock near here all had their horns and seemed to be the typical black and white dairy cows. They didn’t seem to bat an eyelid about me and just went about munching grass. There were quite a few kangaroos around yesterday who seem to co-exist happily with the cattle but are much more flighty with humans.

I’ve just been picking up fallen fruit from my citrus trees. I think I can tell the ones munched by possums from the ones munched by birds. The possums can really scoop out the whole interior, whereas the other fruit has a lot of peck marks suggesting birds getting incremental bits at a time with their beak.

You sound like you would be right at home living somewhere like Stewart Island Paws with its mild climate. I just looked up the temperature there now and it is 2 degrees. I was told when there that winter is often a good time to visit because although it’s colder there are often fine, sunny days. It can be more rainy and cloudy in the summer. I went there as I always seem to be attracted to the most remote places, kind of on the edge of human habitation. I seem to really love wildness.

The tui birds can learn to speak to an almost uncannily human-like level. Unlike parrots which can talk but still sound like parrots, tuis sound more like a computerised human voice. There’s a YouTube video of one who has learned his carer’s phrases at a wildlife park, such as “I’m going out for a beer and a smoke”, all said in a clearly NZ accent. His name is Woof Woof. I know you can’t view YouTube, but if you can in the future there is a video entitled “Woof Woof the talking tui”.

It’s lovely to hear about the fairy wren activity. They always seem like little magical beings. I get two types here, the Splendid Fairywrens and the Red-Winged Fairywrens. I know both you and Croix have mentioned getting the Supurb Fairywrens which are not found here.

The chill is coming in now. I’m going to have some afternoon tea then do my dishes. I might put on my heater tonight as I have my washing drying on racks indoors and it will speed up the process. I’m heading off to look after fluffy cat again in a couple of days.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Stewart Island with it's remoteness & weather sounds wonderful to me, I'm drawn to out of the way places.  When I was caring for dad in my 20s I used to take an 8 week break every 3 years (my brother would step in for me) & I would travel overseas to places like Iceland & Norway.  I also covered the UK a few times & loved the remoter parts like the North of Wales & the Scottish highlands. Dad wasn't well enough to travel without support, but he & I used to do railway journeys to various parts of Australia when he was well enough & he loved the remote outback & WA's vast spaces.  I loved the remoteness, but the heat was too much for me.  There is something about being alone with nature & how if you sit still long enough the creatures about you just accept you are there & get on with their day.  I have wonderful memories of that final decade of dad's life as he mellowed & became more trusting & engaged with some of us, the drinking & anger lessening so much.

Do the possums eat all the types of fruit you have or just the mandarins?  The ones where I used to live would eat my neighbours stone fruits, but left my lemon tree alone.  

Finding the meds you are currently on must have felt like a miracle, going from such severe limitations to your life to having the abilities you now have.  It is no wonder you are so actively engaged in finding ways to improve both your mental & physical health.  I hope you find a way to settle & get some restful sleep.  Thinking of visiting fluffy cat may help.  There have been a number of studies that show actively imagining doing something can make the same changes to our brains that actually doing the thing does.  

After I posted yesterday the Fairywrens suddenly did a "flash mob" at the birdbath.  I've never seen them do this before.  Usually they come in pairs & if another pair turns up they either take turns or try to chase each other away.  Yesterday out of nowhere they just jambed the bird bath full & all stayed there for a few minutes, I counted over 12 wrens all together.  

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Iceland, Norway, Wales and Scotland are all places I have been very interested to visit. I have Welsh and Scottish ancestry and have always wanted to go and see where my ancestors came from. And of course Iceland and Norway would be spectacular for landscape photography, while Wales and Scotland offer many lovely places for it too. Snowdonia National Park and the inner and outer Hebrides come to mind. Did you go to Lofoten in Norway? That seems to be one of the most popular places for landscape photography in the world and one of the most dramatic landscapes to live in for where the town is positioned. And of course Iceland has such dramatic famous waterfalls and volcanic landscapes. Did you get to see puffins in any of those landscapes?

That is lovely you did those railway journeys with your Dad. I find having such memories is important. My Dad also mellowed in his later years, almost into a different person. I love WA’s vast spaces too. I feel at peace in my car on the open road. When I first visited Tasmania I found the tightly winding roads and the terrain so completely different. But that too is a wonderful place to visit. My neighbour is caring for her elderly father at the moment and it is the two of them who made the beautiful marmalade with the oranges from my tree.

The possums go for the oranges and mandarins. They don’t usually eat the lemons but last year when the other citrus produced much less fruit they actually did eat a few lemons. I also have a peach tree which produces very little fruit. I think mainly the birds go for it but it could be possums too but I’ve had less opportunity to tell what’s eating them. I have a pomegranate too. I’ve seen the birds get into that but not sure about the possums. It is also not prolific.

My sleep is better again. I slept 8 hours two nights ago and 6 last night. I woke at 5am and haven’t felt like I’m going to sleep again. But probably a good thing as I will get up shortly and can get going a bit earlier for my journey to the city to look after fluffy cat. I find the journey quite tiring and have to make stops on the way. The main highway is much less interesting than country driving on other WA country roads. It’s on the busier side and feels less like being in the country. When I can, I love exploring backroads. Do you ever watch Backroads on the ABC with Heather Ewart? I enjoy seeing the towns she visits and also I like Going Places with Ernie Dingo on NITV.

That would have been delightful seeing all the Fairywrens. I often have a group of two or three. It can be wonderful capturing photos of birds having a bath on a high shutter speed as they flap their wings and the water droplets are suspended in the air, plus they fluff their feathers as they bathe.

Well I can feel breakfast calling me. I hope you have a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER