Single and Strong?

[Jcassavetes]

Hi all,

I'm a new poster here. 31 year old male with a long history of depression and body dismorphic disorder.

For as far back as I can remember I've been pretty depressed and always had things about my physical appearance that I've hated and obsessed about. I'm not the ugliest guy on the street but I'm no Brad Pitt either. Naturally I find that anxiety over my physical appearance increases greatly when I'm single and looking for a partner. I was really on top of stuff for a while last year but after a looong string of unsuccessful dating I became emotionally worn out and let my guard down. Depression and compulsive behaviours have flooded back into my life recently and I feel like I have no choice but to take a break from the constant anxiety I get when dating.

I wish could make it a permanent break and be single for the remainder of my life but I don't know where to find the strength for that... I have post grad studies to focus on at the moment and am also actively painting everyday and I've recently had a couple of commissions so it's something concrete to focus on. I also run around 8kms three or four times a week and get to the gym whenever I can as well. I have all these things that I love to do but I'm finding it hard to commit to just being single and becoming mentally strong for a while even though dating is causing me so much anxiety and pain....

Do other people here live happily and successfully as singles? I guess I'm just interested in how other people find the strength to carry on everyday as singles in a world full of couples and don't get bogged down by loneliness / jealousy?

I'm not an overly social person as I prefer quiet activities and fitness and I don't really have any family left either so that kind of support is not really an option.

Just interested to hear about other people's experiences...

[james1]

Hi jcassavetes

I've been in two relationships, one 3.5 years and the most recent 4.5 years with a break of about 3 years in between. The lowest points in my life have been the break ups and a section in between when I was just about to resign myself to being single forever. Interestingly that was when I met the second girl.

I say that because sometimes these things happen when you don't expect. You certainly should keep putting yourself out there, but don't forget to have fun in life.

You sound like a really interesting person who is also very driven, so I don't think you're hurting your chances at all by just continuing what you are doing. Just because it hasn't worked so far doesn't mean it never will.

In terms of how to cope, I learned to be an excellent third wheel and I have friends who totally don't care if I go on trips with just them and me, and i don't mind either. I also learned to go travelling on my own and eating on my own. I got to a point in those three years where I was so comfortable being on my own that, in a way, i hated the thought of being tied down by someone else. So I think for me, it was just a matter of incrementally getting comfortable with keeping myself company. Do you feel comfortable on your own when travelling or just eating out?

[blondguy]

Hello Jcassavetes

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too!

James1 has given some great advice above so I will keep my reply brief.

I have had chronic anxiety disorder and depression for years and have managed to struggle through and do well professionally but like yourself the anxiety can really throw a spanner in the works in my relationships..

My weaknesses come out when I date a girl and its a pain. I have recently had to 'let go' of relationships and get on with my own life. My ex girlfriend dumped me in early 2015 and I am now enjoying watching the Simpsons without being criticized and I can wash my car...I can play my daggy '80's music and loving it 🙂

I see you are really fit and well done to you....8klms x 3 times a week....you legend.

James hit the nail on the head when he mentioned things happen in life when you dont expect it...Nice1 James

I wish I was as fit as you are JC. I am fit but cant do what you can. I am no Brad Pitt either. Being single sometimes can bring peace as even a successful relationship can be stressful to maintain.

I think you have heaps you can offer in a relationship. Put your feet up and enjoy being single for now. You are pro-active with yourself and your health...well articulated and intelligent...I wish I was 31...I am 56 and happily single....at the moment.

You have heaps to look forward to...You have a great attitude JC. You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[topsy_]

Hello Jcassavetes

I'd just like to agree with James & Paul, you never know when someone might come into your life.

In my early 40's, after a divorce & 2 spectacular failed relationships I decided that I was obviously very bad at choosing men & I wasn't going to do it anymore.

(Instead I was going to sell my home when my third daughter finished school, move to a little country village, have a cottage garden & write the great Australian novel - ha!, ha!)

Then out of nowhere I met Mick, & married him 2 years later. We've been married 18 years now. And Mick had never been married before - he was in his mid/late 40's.

(His inexperience really showed up one day when he babysat our 2 young grandsons with his eyes closed ie asleep. The kids found a tube of vegemite & redecorated the unit!! Oh boy, what a mess!!)

So do what makes you happy now but don't give up on the idea of meeting someone one day. You just never know!

Wishing you good luck, Lyn.

[Chris_B]

Hi Jcassavetes, welcome to the forums - great first thread. I'm guessing from your handle that you are a Cassavetes fan. Just a heads up on another thread here you might be interested in:

What's your go to movie to watch on a bad day?

Looking forward to your next post.