Should we "harden up"

[white knight]

I was first told that by a colleague in the Airforce at 17yo, then as a prison warder at 21yo then as a crowd controller at 29yo seems every job I took on, eventually someone saw my emotional side and mistook that for weakness. But that side also caused a problem, once my weakness was judged, the opportunists would circle like sharks, eager to dominate, intimidate and control. By the time I reached 35yo I knew a change was needed. But there were a series of questions- do I imitate them? Call on my knights armour I developed while working in the jail?  Remain a victim of tyrants? Or try something else?.

What was crucial was that I not ever sell myself out of my kind side. To become some tough guy all the time would result in losing an important piece of who I was. A permant mask. So, I decided to create a defensive strategy along with an early warning system. It was trial and error.

Predicting conflict isn't easy but if you prepare for it with everyone new in your life you react quicker. Unjustified criticism by a work colleague in a job you've just commenced is a good example and quick wit helps. Quickly replying (with a question) "so Billy, I thought James was my supervisor"?. Put Billy in his place and he becomes wary with a repeat. If he tries to justify then reply "we'll you're  addressing me like I'm your student... why is that"?

So, be prepared, use wit to keep replies short with greater impact and answer with questions compelling the aggressor to justify poor behaviour. The faster your reply the greater the shock value. 

"Hardening up" doesn't mean losing your priceless emotional/empathetic side, it means surviving better in what can be a nasty environment that has the aggressors ground rules. Defending yourself prevents ongoing torment. Set your standards early being firm, fair and reasonable without aggression. Return the ball to their court... most times they'll apologise and it's nipped in the bud.

TonyWK 

[white knight]

Rx

It is annoying that it takes drastic measures for people to get the message that their words/demeanor/tone is hurtful. Of course it is portrayed by the hard skinned ones nowadays as "your sensitivities are showing"... as if being sensitive or demanding you be treated fairly without raising of voices is a request we shouldnt make.

All this is for us to survive better among others. I noticed prior to the last election that politicians were being cruel to each other, I'd never make a polly... 

TonyWK

[randomxx]

You'll notice just in day to day observation we aren't alone. Many people you know or come across , encounter or even just see somewhere could even be just over the counter, are like tweaking their personality .

Some will talk louder than what is their natural voice, some will joke around more or even laugh louder , some will be mega defensive at a pin drop, some acting more energetic than their natural selves, just a few that come to mind but you see it around in all kinds of ways.

l suppose it's all similar things by either the way they're seeing themselves and thinking they need to be more this more that, or maybe it's come through treatment from others or things said- who knows.

Point is though , you aren't alone.

rx

[randomxx]

Hi Tony and all.

This is sort of to do with the thread idea but l can't think of a more specific place to put it and when you get a chance Tony , and any others here too if you have thoughts but yeah , wondered how you would handle this.

Found out recently ex w has now split with the man. Well, he was a tool she was always far too good for him on that note l can only say thk God.

But it's left her in a terrible position and l feel so so badly for her it just breaks my heart.

We didn't get much selling of our house 13yrs ago or so, l've worked like an absolute dog clawing my way back but even now things are still fragile financially, l'm still caravaning actually too Tony btw. Nother story but it's just been so nice mostly apart from a few lows.

Ec though she's also worked like a dog she always has but this bloke had a house l think she put in a fair bit to that bc she's been living in it too all these yrs.

Doubt she'll get it back now though from him and ldk her situation or what their arrangement was but l do know all the way through when we've had to help d out she's been v tight but moving now and paying high rent she'll be struggling and sharing, it's gonna be so hard for her.

l just feel so bad , so sad for her, my heart just goes out to her so much it's just painful. She's always worked so hard , has a heart of gold and tries so hard but she's also had heaps of health problems too and now 50s she's gonna be starting over and in this housing market. She's always deserved if anyone on this earth has, a loving man and one of these long and happy marriages but first ours and now this.

l mean it's not my business really although ofc l also hope for my d too that her mum will get through but ldk, it's just so damn sad. We've always been in touch and worked together for my d right through but never go into ea others lives at all , just parenting things.

l did message a letter though when l'd heard and said how sorry l was and we talked a bit buttt, ldk.

l just can't shake it.

rx

[white knight]

Hi rx

Through our previous chats you've mentioned your ex a lot as to "moving on" etc. So, with this new development in her life being alone again, having a child to her and getting on well in terms of communication... I personally would see if a more special friendship can come about.

If you have the approach that this lady is already special to you and it might very well become a strong and rare best friend relationship. Going through life with that "best friend" is gold.

I would not assume it would develop to what you once had but if it did that's a bonus but it would not be my pursuit, it could be hers though and if you felt the positive vibes then you could drop subtle hints to prompt it.

A big brother friendship is always valued by a lady. I had it with my wife for 25 years, married to siblings we were always on the same page. When we both became single our progression was natural.

Saying all this means little without the right communication to improve that close friendship. Telling her that you are there for her as a supportive friend, that she, as a co-parent, a good mum, is special to you and you want to nurture her presence in your life. 

With the right approach and encouragement without pressure she could value you being more in her life, regardless if she finds love elsewhere. If she ended up telling a new love "he is like a brother to me, he's special" then you've accomplished your goal.  If more develops then that's a bonus.

I knew a couple in similar situation and their friendship continued for 25 years then moved in together as friends in their 70's. He said "we are still just best friends but we'll live out our final years without being lonely. 

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Hi Tony and thx very much as always for the thoughts.

She's still not only 20yrs of my life and my d's mum and such a brilliant partner in that since too but just such a good soul, such a kind and giving person. Just breaks my heart her being on this position now. Many a person though might say what do you care and l ask myself too but l guess that no matter what went down with us back in the day l know who she is and she's d's mum too.

Friends though from here or even best down the track gee, no idea tbh or whether she'd want that, how l'd feel , l really dk. l only have one ex w tbh l'm not sure how we're suppose to feel later. She is one of the most brilliant people to talk too you'd ever meet though and we would still get along l think too actually.

Thanks again Tony , l'll have to get my bearings on it all for a bit l think.

All the best.

rx