Saying no to the unhelpful thoughts

Euclid · ‎08-09-2015

Hi all,

I am interested to see what people have to say on this forum about dealing with unhelpful thoughts.

I am sure that I am not alone in having a mind which feeds me unhelpful thoughts. For me personally, failing to properly manage these thoughts can lead to a depressive episode, and has done in the past.

For example - I have recently come to realise that my relationship seems to be exiting the 'honeymoon' period. My mind feeds me counterproductive thoughts, like "you're falling out of love with her" and "you'll separate sooner or later". In days gone by, I would have let these thoughts get the better of me and my mood. These days, I know how to say "thanks for the thought, Mind, but the reality is that our relationship has just entered a new, more mature phase, and that's a good thing".

What other tips and tricks do people have like this? Keeping in mind, of course, that not all methods will work for everyone - but I think it will be helpful to share.

TheIronGiant · ‎26-09-2017

Hi all,

This is a really great topic and I don't think there is a one size fits all solution, however I do agree with what romantic_thi3f said earlier about how recognising that the thought is negative or not realistic is such an important first step. If there was to be a solution for everyone's negative thoughts, it's that they need to be recognised first as something that isn't real or helpful, and then that's particular person can tackle the thoughts in their own unique way.

I tend to have a discussion in my own head or with a supportive person about all the thoughts I'm having and as I speak each particular thought I can then ask myself in that moment, is this actually what's going on and should I actually be worried about it? Is it about the past or the future - both things that I cannot currently change? So it's really analysing each thought that helps me.

Cheers,

Bridget

Doolhof · ‎27-09-2017

Hi Bridget,RT , Cassa and All,

Thanks for your responses. I'm trying to look at CBT again and work through the thought processes. My new psychologist whom I call Jim is helping me with this.

Jim has me writing things down and actually looks at what I have written in the next session, we discuss it and he helps me with the issues I am still struggling with. Jim also tells me the bits I have done well. I have not had this kind of interaction before with a psychologist.

Jim has also explained that POSITIVE thinking, as I had been taught years ago is not always beneficial. The processes you have all mentioned are supposed to be healthier and more obtainable options.

Yesterday I was reading information on the internet about Positive Thinking (PT) Some of what hit home for me:

- Trying to constantly think positively when depressed can be exhausting.

- Believing we need to accomplish PT always can make us feel like failures when we don't achieve this.

- Considering if my thoughts are helpful or unhelpful is a better choice.

Questions to consider:

1) Does the thought or idea make me feel the way I want to feel?

2) Does my usual way of thinking help me to achieve my goals or improve my day?

After all these years of therapy, I am now being told that I can change my thoughts from unhelpful to helpful. Is it really that easy? Is that really any different from "negative and positive" thoughts?

Your ideas and thoughts on this are more than welcome as my poor brain is spinning around right now. Ha. Ha.

Cheers all from Dools

romantic_thi3f · ‎04-10-2017

Hey Dools (and all),

Oh I can imagine this would definitely make your brain spin!

These are my thoughts -

Everyone has different interpretations on what positive thinking or being positive might mean. For some it could be smiling going 'everything is great!' and for others it might be 'I'm really grateful for this particular thing'. We're always told to 'think positive' and 'be happy' and as someone with depression personally these comments drive me crazy.

When I think of positive thinking being unhelpful, I tend to think of the 'everything is great' kind of mindset. 'Don't worry!' 'It's fine', 'Life is awesome'. In reality, sometimes worry helps; sometimes everything isn't awesome and sometimes it helps to see the negative or realistic side so we can better plan for things. If we pack a first aid kit in our car, it's allowing ourselves to be realistic that one day things might not be totally awesome and fine and we could need it. I imagine super positive-ness is almost blinded by the fact things sometimes don't work out.

Using that same example though, unhelpful thinking could be 'we can't go on a holiday because someone will get hurt' or 'oh I shouldn't leave the house because I've gained so much weight over the winter'.

Is it easy? Nope! So many of the thoughts we have are automatic - something like 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day. We aren't aware of them mostly but every now and then we fuel them. So it takes work to kind of 'unpack' it and find out where the facts are.

Sidenote: I have an app on my phone (iOS) that's called 'Moodnotes'. It's a great (and super subtle) way for me to look at the situation, my thoughts and start to reframe them into more helpful ones.

Hope this helps!

Doolhof · ‎04-10-2017

Hi RT,

Thanks for that explanation. Sometimes my mind becomes confused considering what are thoughts, emotions, feelings and what is the difference between them all. To me they all intermingle.

Sometimes I think I am being realistic about issues and my husband says I am pessimistic. Some people's positive thoughts may be thought of as negatives to some people, being sarcastic maybe or whatever.

As none of us thinks or acts the same, I don't feel there is a "One size fits all solution".

Maybe we all have to work out what works best for us. One scenario does not fit all situations.

Think I have been out in the sun too long today! Ha. Ha. Not really sure what I am trying to say here!

Cheers from Dools

cakeboss · ‎10-10-2017

Hi there my anxiety is not fully under control at the moment.Im on medication have been for awhile now .A few months ago i suffered some finacial stress which after 6 months of stress is all good now .I have seen a psycitrist for the first time about a month ago.She said that its going to take around 3 months for my body to unwind from the major anxiety it went through.I see him in a month though .I have had some really good weeks and then out nowhere for no reason its started again anxiety panic attacks and i dont know why.I convince myself there is somthing major health wise and running off to drs.I went to counciling last week and i was given a card that has information about managing irrational thoughts and trying hard to use it .i suffer anxiety when i wake up and nausea and i have to keep telling myself that its the irrational thoughts thinking and they are not real .Does anyone suffer anxiety for no reason so sick of it

Doolhof · ‎10-10-2017

Hi Cakeboss,

Mental health issues do tend to pounce on us when we least expect them to at times. I experience depression, stress and Borderline Personality Disorder. A lovely little cocktail of crazy mixed up thoughts when they all appear at once!

I've been learning to accept these thoughts as thoughts. Sometimes it is harder than others to get on top of those crazy little rascals though isn't it!

My new psychologist is helping me to think of my thoughts as being helpful or unhelpful. If they are unhelpful, what can I do at that moment to accept or change those thoughts? If I am at home I will grab a book and read, do a Sudoku puzzle, watch T.V. and crotchet or go out in the garden.

While I am in the garden I try to use mindfulness, I listen tot he various noises around me, visually compare the colours in the plants and talk to myself about what I can see.

By doing this, I am distracting my mind from the unhelpful thoughts.

If this happens in a work place or while driving, it may be a little harder to find distractions unless you look hard for them.

I'm learning to accept my thoughts are always with me. I can expand on the negative ones, or think to myself, "okay brain there you go again trying to create chaos, I'm not playing this game today".

Once again I know this may not help when you feel like you have fallen into a pit. Hopefully you can catch your thoughts and emotions before you feel yourself spiralling down. Put the brakes on those thoughts and try to take your thoughts to a better place.

All the best, from Dools

Saphron · ‎27-12-2017

I think it's really great that you notice the thoughts you're having. Sometimes NATs (negative automatic thoughts) continue without us noticing them. When you notice them try to stay with them for a bit, in other words, rather than thinking to yourself 'I shouldn't be thinking this or why am I thinking that? and why do I self-sabotage?' try to look at them straight on. For instance, the 'I'm falling out of love' thought, perhaps this is a time to actually look at it to ask yourself what exactly are you falling out of love with? What have you noticed that bugs you about her, etc., the more you question the thought, the more likely the thought will feel heard and not feel the need to come up again. The more you try to block it, the more it will appear and you'll start to think that that particular thought has merit. The I'm falling out of love thought may actually be a self-protection thought that indicates, you're reaching a new street with this relationship one that you've not experienced and thus because your system is designed to protect you from anything it doesn't know, it may try to convince you that it means danger rather than simply something new. The more you explore your thoughts (NATs) the more you'll become closer to resolving these. Sometimes NATs are very powerful (emotionally pull us) and thus approach the observation of these and the questioning of these thoughts in a timed manner (set a timer) so that they don't pull you in. As the brain never truly sleeps/rests, thoughts will come and go, some useful (one's you're actually deciding to have) and some others random (ones that pop up out of no where). Sometimes just asking yourself, is this a thought I set out to have? or is this a thought that has come out of nowhere? the out of nowhere thoughts are not truly the ones that give direction to life, yet they're the ones we sometimes pay attention to because of the internal reaction we have to them. Hope this is helpful.

Chloe_M · ‎14-04-2018

Hello again Dools (hi everyone else),

This is a good topic for a thread. I think everyone has their own ways of dealing with unhelpful thoughts, so I'd be interested to see how everyone copes with these pesky little thoughts!

I'm going to try start this thread up again, it is a very good one and I think it would be valuable to have near the top so that members (both new and old) can share their ideas and help each other.

Chloe

Meg82 · ‎24-10-2018

I am not good at all with this I think my ADHD might contribute to me getting very trapped in negative thought patterns and I really don't know what to do about it. The anxiety medication my gp gave me is not mixing well with my ADHD medication she knew I was on medication for ADHD why would she prescribe me something the insert suggests not to take? My life just gets worse and worse I can tell you and staying positive has become impossible!