REJECTION - it's hard to swallow

[white knight]

Mental illness often brings with it excess sensitivity among many other quirky characteristics. Quirky because we aren't talking about common sensitivity, we are talking about being really easy to upset and indeed remain upset for a long period of time.

Hence we react heavily to bullying, embarrassing moments, financial pressures etc. We worry and worry isn't good. What about rejection?

I suspect my mother to have BPD in the extreme and she's left a train wreck where ever she has been within both sides of my family. Every time my sister or I have had a falling out with her we also have lost other relatives or family friends. But there was one auntie that I've lost and its hard to swallow.

As a boy she was the dairy farmers wife with 7 kids, my cousins and we'd cart hay and go rabbiting. She was the warmth that filled her home. She was the stable older female in my life that filled the hole when my mother would be on her crusades against others or me depending on her mood.

See, the problem with excess BPD people when they don't get treatment (so don't take it personally) is that some gather support from other family members and before you know it you've got many of these that no longer talk to you no matter how hard you try. But this auntie (by marriage) I didn't expect to reject me. I'm 60yo she is 82yo. I've written 3 letters in the last 4 years mentioning what a wonderful auntie she was when I was young and how I understand her hardship over many years.So what is the best action for me now?

Well what I've done is write many times letters on the computer then erased them. It helps. The other thing is to imagine in your mind that these people that reject you have a limited understanding of what its like to live a life in your shoes.  How could this auntie possibly understand what its like to be a child of a very excessive train wreck of a mother that has periodically abused you and not given you a stable childhood?

Letter writing is effective. Today I wrote my auntie 4 letters, none of them will be sent. My first letter had anger in it. Comments like "I've never got between you and your children when you've argued so why are you taking sides in this family rift?" Comments of justifying my situation or more like not justifying her stance.

The last letter was much shorter and I wished her well, that she has choices in life and I do also. I wished her good health. And that I loved her regardless. Then erased that to. Now I'm at peace.

[white knight]

Hi MG,

Nothing you have said is silly to me. I retired 2 years ago suddenly due to me issues. So making ends meet with a pension isn't easy. I'm grateful I can afford to run one car and one glorious motorcycle. But sometimes the threat of financial downturn hits hard.

We are saving for a round Oz trip next Autumn. Luckily we own a cheap to run diesel car. It should only cost us $1800 for fuel. Saving that much plus spendies isn't easy though. And when you hop off the fast lane larger income you are left behind by friends that are still on the higher income. We get that feeling when "Are you guys coming to yum cha?"  But it isn't their fault.

Your depression and anxiety should be IMO taken as if it will go away in the medium term. Don't fight it. And depression one decade might be triggered totally different the next. We are older, different circumstances etc.

I worry about everything. I was nicknamed "the worrier" be teachers as a teen. ISIS, the stock market, rape and murders, why the Govts let out criminals early etc. and of course our health. I get amused by the comments "lighten up" or "you have to learn to be free and easy". My response is "what shelf in the supermarket are they- I'll go and buy some of that". Comments from naïve irritating people is my pet hate. If they cant find something constructive to say then say nothing.

Letting go of the past therefore is not something that can easily occur. Like you I've had a chequered but interesting past. About 90 jobs, 15 professions, 80 cars etc. I used to believe I had ADHD but it was mania. When I commenced my working life in the RAAF at 17yo I thought I was just a nervous guy as my family was highly strung. I left there after 3 years and joined Pentridge Jail as a warder for 3 years, by-laws officer, dog ranger, security guard and 18 years as a private investigator...my dream job of which  I excelled only to be made to leave it due to depression and associated issues. Could I leave it all behind? No, because I haven't got any challenges to replace them.

And therein lies the secret to manic people- we cant just relax, we cant change fully from manic to who everyone thinks we should be. In the end if the pressure from others is too great we make a choice- either withdraw from contact with people or take the unpopular stance of "well that's me, take it or leave it". Pity mainstream society expect mainstream mentality. If we don't fit in we are at fault.

Tony WK

[Guest_9466]

Dear Tony,

 So kind of you to be here for me and to listen to my tales of woe. I do appreciate that you did not discount my fears of the future. I know that in Australia, it is not possible to live in poverty, that there is a safety net to rely on when things are tough. I hope and pray that it won't reach that stage.

 I, also didn't mean to give the impression that I lead / led a glamorous life. Far from it, I just love travelling and we travelled budget style most of the time. I am good at shopping for bargain fares and being a member of several budget travel groups, means that I am able to travel relatively cheaply. However, I raised, in my book, a rather high maintenance daughter who, though patient with me most times, has diffculty in relating to my need for thriftiness. She thinks I am over the top when it comes to trying to get value for money. I suppose, in a lot of ways, I am to be blamed for she is our only child and we do indulge her. She is also, most fortunate to have the means to live comfortably as her wage is above average. 

Her opinion of me do means a lot to me. Sometimes, I worried that when I acted up too many times, she will become sick of my fears, this is where fear of rejection comes in, that she will come to hate me. I am not sure why, when it comes to negative emotions, I cannot  view it in a calm way. Why hate! Why do I have to view it as hate. Yes, she could get tired of the dramatics but, not hate nor rejection. But, when overwrought, it is one and the same for me. 

 We travelled together for two weeks but when the AUD went south, followed shortly by stock market crashed, my fear of poverty just overwhelmed me. Suddenly, I felt like there is a role reverse, I am the child and she became the adult. I am also uncomfortable at the thought that she is picking up the tabs whereas, I still see it as my role as parent to continue paying the bills. Perhaps, I am a controlling parent and having my daughter paying for our trip does not sit well with me at all. So confusing. To be continued as I am off for a walk.