Reality Check

[amd1953]

If you are feeling anxious and depressed, perhaps the last thing you need to read is a book written by Emil Cioran.   He was a Romanian writer/philosopher who wrote some of the most pessimistic books on the planet, including one entitled 'The Trouble with Being Born'.   However, the book is beautifully written, and it shows what other people have to endure during their lifetime.   I am always interested in what other people have to go through although most of us wouldn't feel compelled to write about it.   I could write a hundred books about my life in the hope that it would help other people.   Unfortunately, I lack the motivation to accomplish such a task, so I come on to the BB forum to try to do it that way.   Litle snippets of experience and knowledge that might just prove useful to someone who is undergoing a similar experience.   Sometimes, when I outline something on here, I think afterwards that nobody would have done what I did anyway.   For example, as a child I was convinced that my life was preordained in some way and that all I had to do was show up and everything would work out fine.   Not so!   In reality, you have to fight for everything you want while trying to assure people that you are worth their time.  Naturally, other people have had a hand in my downfall because I was convinced that everyone had my back.   Not so!   We are in competition with every other person on the planet and they don't always have our best interests at heart.   It would be nifty if we could transfer the history of our lives to a DVD and use them as training tools for the upcoming generation.   Just an idea!

amd1953

[Sophie_M]

Hello Croix 

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Messages like this truly mean a lot to the moderation team. 
We're grateful to be apart of a community that looks out for one another and we appreciate your thoughtfulness and support. 
Wishing you and everyone in our community and beyond a safe and restful holiday period as well. 

Warm regards
Sophie M

[amd1953]

1.   I wish I had fought back against the bullies at school

2.   I wish I had run away from home when I had the chance.

3.   I wish I had accepted one job over another.

4   I wish that I had never married.

5.   I wish that I had never joined the ADF.

6.   I wish I had been born better looking than I am.

7.   I wish that I had been born smarter.

8.   I wish my parents had never met.

9.   I wish that I had not wasted so much time trying to fit in

10.   I wish that I could leave this world behind me and fly to another.

[Croix]

Dear Amd1953~

I've looked at the things you wish had been different and think some you have already accomplished. Your past posts show you are smart, and you fit in here just fine without effort. Your Christmas message show a kindness in you. 

You now now how to handle bullies, after all they could pop up anywhere, not just at school. Similarly now you know how to interrelate on an equal basis with others.

I could go on though the rest however I'm sure you can see that there are often hidden benefits in things you wish at first had never happened.

I wish now I'd never joined the police as it made me ill and recovery has been long. At the time I was full of enthusiasm and enjoyed it. Which is better, I don't know.

I know if I'd left my parents I would not have ended up with a guide as to what not to do as a parent, from a grim upbringing came wisdom and able parenting.

Most importantly you do already leave this world and fly to many others, from the fun galaxy of Douglas Adams to the horribly logical world of Albert Camus and there is so much more others have conceived.

 As I get on in life  I, like most, have regrets about situations, about the actions and choices I made, but I have the opposite too, a long list of what went well, what I enjoyed or took satisfaction from.

You can prize the knowledge you have gained though your experiences, good and bad, and now know what to look for.

DON'T PANIC <--(large friendly letters)

Croix

[amd1953]

When I was going through the worst phases of my life, I could only place my faith in one person and that was the person who I saw in the mirror each morning.   I had no one else to turn to for support.   I had to go through it all alone.   That was the way I was raised, to try to solve my own problems and just stop moaning and get on with it.   That is what I had to do whether I liked it or not.   At the time, I felt like the lowest most wretched person on the planet and I was sure the rest of the world was laughing at my misfortunes.   There was no support number to dial, no reassuring voice at the other end.   No one was coming to save me.   If I wanted to survive, I had to work it all out myself.   And that is precisely what I did.   It was like walking through the valley of death but eventually, I came out into the sunshine at the end of it.   Of course, it was an ordeal and of course, I endured pain and suffering, frustration and disappointment.   When I look back on those terrible times, they are now just a dim dark memory and that is where I want them to stay.   I have nobody to thank but myself.   I pulled myself out of the abyss that threatened to swallow me up whole.   The hard-hitting truth about being alive is that the majority of people do not give a hoot about anyone else unless it affects them directly.   Look at the world today and think about that.

Peace and Love

amd1953

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there, 

Nice to see you back on the forums, I'm glad you're here!

It is truly a commendable thing to do to not give up and to keep going, especially when you're going through the worst all alone. You sound really proud of yourself for working hard and getting to the other side of a dark time. And you should be proud! It's not easy to struggle, particularly when you are your only cheerleader. 

I'm sure your post will encourage and uplift those who are struggling with something today. Wishing you well!

[trying_my_best]

Hi amd1953!

As another person who went through tough times alone, I’m glad that you have found your way to this forum! It is truely something incredibly strong to go through something alone, but I know that if I had the knowledge of these resources when I went through my hard time maybe I wouldn’t jab felt as alone. So I commend you for joining the forum even after getting yourself through that period! Because I didn’t. 

Wishing you the best 🫶

[amd1953]

In the past, which is where I used to live, I was a willing slave to autonomy.   These days, I am the king of all I survey.   As a child I was already preprogrammed to obey the dictates of the "grownups" otherwise I would be punished.   Well, how could anyone not want to strive to be so good that one becomes the personification of perfection.   In those days, anyone older than me knew better than me and I was expected to toe the line and do what I was told.   Even teachers had the blessing of the system to mete out corporal punishment and all in the name of authoritarianism.   A swift slap across the side of the head was bound to work wonders for any errant wrongdoer.   This is why I hated school.   I had to contend with bullies and the teachers.   I had such high hopes for when I finally left the school system.   How wrong I was.   I found so-called adults to be bigger children as far as sensibility went.   However, now I am the keeper of the keys to the kingdom of heaven.   Well, heaven on earth at least.   As an ageing, grumpy old man, I have the power to lose the attitude and become a better person in a metaphysical sense.   But do I really want to, I ask myself.   Is it just some kind of deranged dream?   Who knows?

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

These are really deep and introspective reflections on yourself and life, thank you for sharing here. You seem to have a very wise outlook on the world and you're speaking about I think a lot of people can relate to. I particually related to the part where you write about your experience in school and having high hopes for leaving the system. I felt the same when leaving school, and now being out in the world I realise school is in many ways a micro version of society in many ways. Humans will always have their difficult traits throughout life, and it can be difficult to navigate at whatever stage we are in. And I think you are right, some adults really are more childish than the children themselves. That younger version of us never really leaves, we just get better at managing and masking it, some maybe more so than others. Acknowledging and accepting this part of ourselves is important and I think essential to being a better person. Awareness is the first step. 

If I may ask, what things do you feel you have in your life at the moment that make you want to become a better person? What things outside of yourself give you a positive sense of purpose? I ask this because I find these questions help me focus on the positive rather than negative aspects of life and the world. Maybe they could help you too. 

All the best, feel free to continue on this thread. 

Daydreamer 🙂

[amd1953]

Hello Daydreamer,

Thank you for your comments and interest in my previous post.   In answer to your questions.   I have always had a strong desire to be as good as I can be.   I cannot always say that I have succeeded.   My upbringing was quite severe which probably accounts for my fear of perpetual punishment for anything that was unacceptable to someone else.   What I have now is a resolve simply to be who I already am with perhaps a little bit of fine tuning here and there.   I don't thrive at all in society.

Whereas before I would listen to what everyone else thought of me and hold it all as some universal opinion.   Now, I have a lot less to do with society as a whole and I no longer allow anyone to diminish my sense of self-worth.   Having said that, my past tends to hang over me like a black noxious cloud, and it takes a daily effort to suppress the memories of the past.   As far as external influences go, I have to say that there are very few of those.   I have a deep mistrust of people due to past experiences.   Reading is my main consolation these days and of course writing is a true love.   When the two combine in harmony, I am in another realm of being.   The older I become the more I realise how precious one life is.

Kind Regards amd1953

[randomxx]

l'm lucky l suppose in that l have done most every dream l ever had but in saying that , it has costed me dearly.

So many regrets and wishes too.

That l was more cautious and not so gung-ho in life.

That l treasured more the things and people l'd had.

That l was more conservative bc if l was l wouldn't be where l am today in so many things, situations and ways.

l wish l'd handled bullies and troubles at school differently too.

l wish above all l'd handled many things with many people but especially loved ones differently too.

rx