Positive Reinforcement Maybe.

[lookingforme]

So, my psychologist has pointed out to me that when I comment on my life, I don't comment on anything good that may have happened, along with the bad I feel. It all seems to get overwhelmed. I have also been told that I don't necessarily celebrate my achievements. I deem it useless, but apparently it's good for me (who knew?). If do look at what I have achieved, it is the same as noting facts in a history book. This happened, yes, because I did this, so what? That is what I think. Mostly, I think it because I go through such mental turmoil to achieve that to think back on the process hurts me too much. This was true when I did my Honours year - up until the end of last year I could not, not cry when I thought of that year. Graduation from uni was a shambles, I ended up going to a shopping center and cried in a corner somewhere away from anyone I knew. Anyway, I think that's the reason, the struggle is too painful to remember, and never forgotten.

Someone on these forums (*Cough* Carol *Cough) suggested that I come up with a good thing in my day everyday on here, for people who I know actually care about me to see, and somehow the fact that yes, I have done good, will be reinforced. I say this all with cynicism (but in no way reject the suggestion) because I have been programmed to think that anything good about myself should indeed be squashed, and all my faults should be highlighted, because how else am I supposed to be better, and if I bragged, I will get complacent and somehow lose respect for people and things and become selfish. In fact, apparently, I am all of those things.

I spaced out after that sentence...

Anyway, fighting against my nature here, I am trying. This may not happen everyday (covering myself here).

First one: Got a Tough Mudder event coming up and with the greatest difficulty I made a training plan.

What do you think?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Joelle,

James has some great advice. Will you get the chance to go to your favourite spot?

Keep posting lovely, here or your other thread.

We care about you xx

[lookingforme]

Hey James, thanks. I hope so too.

I wrote in your thread by the way but...you know how it is.

I general do sleep and wake up at the same time, and try to keep up with my schedule. But, I keep crashing. It expends a lot of energy to go to work, because I despise my job, and I am tethered to the money I will earn, which I also hate. I dislike money, but require it to live comfortably or live at all.

I have levels. If it is just thought, I can think and think and think, but will still be able to engage, strictly as a thought experiment though. If the emotion is in my head, I can still engage people and isolate my emotions. If whatever I am feeling is in my body, then no chance of anything except what has taken over my body. Thought, sensibilities go out the window, and I am left feeling. It is this last state that I find myself in a lot over the past few days.

That isn't selfish, I consider it our thread now.