My week in hospital (part 1)

[Jo3]

Hi everyone,

Well I have been "released for the day" and so much has happened.

Arrived on Monday morning feeling so sick and anxious.  The nurse settled me into a shared room and I was shown around.  I have never felt so alone as it was time for lunch and I had to walk into a dining room full of people who knew each other, to sit on my own.  I felt like crying as I was so alone.  I have cried quite a bit daily and have had a few anxiety attacks.

The staff are very very caring, supportive and nurturing.  and that is what I definitely needed.  I have done some support group sessions at the hospital with a pyschologist, yoga, meditation, CBT, walking, art therapy and relaxation sessions.  I also have had 3 sessions this week with my new pyschiatrist. Interesting how the sessions with him make me so damn angry, I hate what he says to me; talks about my childhood, my abuse, my self harming and then onto suicidal thoughts.  I come out of the sessions in a rage because I hate the way he conducts the session.  My regular pysch has come to visit me on Thursday which was really nice to see him.

I have also been allowed to go for walks down the street, around the block and across a creek.  The first two days I didn't and I felt like I was locked in, trapped so after a huge panic attack I told a male nurse I need to get out. He assured me that I could go the next day and I did.  I have been walking daily for 45-60 minutes.  The first walk I did was in the rain and I felt so alive, so great to just be outside in the fresh air.

I have decided to stay an extra week much to the shock of my husband.  But do you know what I don't care, I need to do this for myself.  I am actually happy to go back tonight.

I came home this morning and already the house is a mess, the curtains weren't even drawn and windows were still closed.  Bathroom not clean, nothing done except washing out.  I would normally go around and do everything but today I am sitting here and doing nothing.  I actually feel tired as I haven't had a full night sleep so maybe I will have a nanna nap.

I have met so many nice people all with different issues but mainly depression, bipolar, change of meds.

Well my mum hasn't phoned me at all, actually after day 3 I decided to ring her and her comment was - oh i was waiting for you to ring!!! She knows my mobile number so where's her support.  I phoned her before from home and told her i am home for a hairdressers appt and staying for another week - well her negative comments are coming out again; and I said it's helping me.  I then asked her what is she doing for Easter and if she would like to come over on Sunday for lunch - her response as usual - oh no your dad doesn't like to go out anymore.  So in the 4 months since talking again they have not made ONE attempt to come to visit me.  I feel so tired of trying, I feel guilty for being in hospital, I feel selfish for leaving my family and having time out for me.

 I can't access my computer from the hospital because I am using my son's school laptop.  So I won't be able to type again until tomorrow during my day release again. (sounds like I;m in prison with this day release thing!!!)

 

I hope everyone is doing okay, please take care

Jo xxxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

Your post made me smile today. A few negative things- your mothers reaction amongst it, but wow you sound much more positive. It sounds like after a period of adjustment, you are getting alot for your stay.

As for the day release feeling, I used to joke with my friend that going back to hospital by a certain time in the evening, was my cinderella hour. I would say I would turn back into a sad or angry pumpkin when I went back. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

That was so great to read your post and to hear from you.

I'm pleased that you've decided to take on another week - and Jo, here's a couple of things for you to please not worry about (a) how your home is - it is what it is, and who knows, perhaps things might get taken care of next week (he says with tongue in cheek!) and (b) definitely don't be worrying about your mother.  Her spots will never change and by suggesting things to her, I don't think you'll ever receive any positive response from her.  I also wouldn't bother calling her next week either.  As you said, she knows your number.

The psych who's making things tough for you - it must be a certain method that he's using to try to get you to deal and overcome all the trauma from your past.  Have you actually asked him about his methods and have you told him how it makes you feel??

But apart from that, Jo, just as GA said, you can sense a change, a sense of positiveness and very pleasing to read that you're getting out for your exercise.

Really good to hear from you Jo ... take care my friend,

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

Thanks so much for your reply and kind words.  As for my mum - well bugger her from now I am not doing anything to "please her" anymore.  It's her problem if she doesn't want to visit or ring me. I need to look after myself.  GA I am glad I made you smile  🙂

Please take care, thinking of you

Jo xxx

 Neil - I was so happy to see your reply, i couldn't wait to press the button to open up to see what you had written!

I know what you're saying about my mum - as much as it hurts me that she doesn't make the effort to come and visit or even phone - that is her issue.

Yes, I think I will talk to my new psych this week, he is showing "tough love" and making me see things from a different perspective. 

I will let him know that I get so angry after our sessions and tell him why.

Hoping to have another good week.

Actually home at the moment, but do you know what I can't wait to go back in hospital.

Take care Neil

Jo xx