My story: I still have dreams

[CrashCoyote]

Hi everyone,

I am writing this post following a request from a fellow member to know more about me. I do not wish to hi-jack another post so have started this one.

I am fifty years old and the father of five. Divorced twice and in a few other relationships over the years. My friends sometimes joke that I am looking for my next ex.

I am an honest man and try very hard to be a good person, a good partner (when in a relationship) and a good dad. My life is not extraordinary and I am starting to realise how far too many people have far too much trauma in their lives. Is this our evolved society?

I grew up in a housing commission house with my mum and younger sister. Dad left mum when my sister was born and I was a barely a year old. He was never in my life. His bother (we are good wogs!) did his bit to fill the void and to this day he is the closest thing to a dad I have ever know and I love him dearly. My dad died a few years ago but I did not grieve for him. I did not know him. His brother told me of his death and was crying when he told me. I was upset that my uncle was upset but not that my dad had died! Mum was never very mentally stable but did her best. We were poor and mum never did drugs or booze or gambled. I love my mum but as a parent I struggle with her parenting style and we are not close these days.

I was the "man" of the house since I was about fourteen and I guess I just continued that caring role until I ended up taking on the ultimate responsibility - caring for the community. I joined the Police.

My career path started at Darlinghurst, then Redfern, later I was a radio dispatcher and 000 telephonist. I worked at Fairfield when we had the highest murder rate in Australia (late 1980's) and Green Valley, Campbelltown, Campsie, Ashfield and Granville. I was mostly operational and in uniform and working alone. (More common than you might think.) I have been physically threatened with death many times. I have arrested dozens of people at gunpoint, sometimes at the point where I was applying trigger pressure before the offender surrendered. I have talked three people out of suicide.Twice people have died in my arms. I have been assaulted more times than I can even remember. I have seen babies and children suffer in ways many cannot imagine. I have taken statements from victims of sexual assault that have suffered in ways most could not imagine. 

After over thirty serious work injuries and a good dose of PTSD, I was pensioned off from my career and a job I was lucky enough to have loved for the time I was in it.

In my personal life my third daughter died of SIDS at the age of eight weeks. It led to the breakdown of my second marriage. As a direct result I do not even see my subsequent daughter as my ex wife cannot stand to have her away from her and has forbidden her from seeing me. It is a form of child abuse and it certainly messes with my head, but at the end of the day my daughter is being denied a loving father because her mother cannot cope with her own issues.

I have always liked the company of ladies but it took me until I was forty two to find "the one". She was and is the love of my life but has her own anxiety issues and after three years of a sort-of-normal relationship I spent a further four clinging to what was a dying relationship in which I think she loved me but could not control her anxiety over other issues. She dumped me last year. I do not think I even knew what true love of  woman was until she came along and now I feel I have nothing to give another woman because she still has my heart, even though we are no longer together. My addiction? I guess so.

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell. I fight every day to battle my depression and I won't give up. I have four other children that love me and need me. I have a new grand daughter who is so beautiful that I still cannot suppress a smile every time I open my mobile phone - she is my screen saver! I may drink a bottle of spirits tonight, or not. I may go to the gym tomorrow, or not. I may have a minute or two of euphoria interspersed with the general depression, or I may not.

I still have dreams. I like to write and have been published. One day I will write that best seller. One day I will live on a hundred acres out of Sydney and feed chickens and muck around in my man shed. There is always someone worse off and I will do my best. Part of my inspiration is this site, and many of you will never know how much strength I draw from your posts, but I thank you one and all. I wish you success, such that it is, in your own lives.

Thanks for reading.

John.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

I'm back until I take my son to training at 6.15pm and then after 7.30pm I'm in for the night.

Thank you for your praise.

How did it go with the GP today? You know that we (on here) are always listening, even if others aren't. The inability of others in the community, including medical staff, to empathise is a disaster. Maybe that is why this site works so well. You are telling people your feelings about horrible experiences and they actually know how it feels because some of them have been through it. I know it is no substitute for clinical support, though.

Try not to concern yourself with the well intentioned but ridiculous comments of others about your need to harden up. After I lost my daughter I had so many people close to me try to comfort me with comments like, "You're young. You can always have another." They just don't know what to say. 

Unfortunately for the community, police (in NSW) have very little training on dealing with people in the early stages of grief. Amazing, really, when police are forever at houses where relatives have gathered following the death of a loved one, or delivering death messages to distant relatives. The lack of training in that field is as shameful as the lack of training in mental health issues. I had less than one hour of training in how to deal with members of the public that may be suffering mental illness. (Out of a thirty years career!) That included not just ways to manage the person, but how to recognise the signs. I used to have to qualify to carry a firearm in a whole day of training every year. I never had to shoot anyone but I interacted with literally hundreds of, maybe even more than a thousand, people with mental illness. Not too good!

I always find myself saying to people that are recently bereaved, "I don't have any words of comfort for you but I am sorry for your loss."

There are friends of ours that have not spoken to us since our daughter died sixteen years ago. They don't know how to face us, I guess. Some that do I can see are physically uncomfortable if Jessica (her name) comes up in conversation. I do not make a point of bringing her into day to day conversations but if something comes up surrounding her, I refuse to not acknowledge her so that others don't have to flinch.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you later.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hey John

I went to see my GP this morning and gave him my letter that I had written to one of the abusers.  He read it and said it was a very powerful letter.  I am not sending the letter and my GP has kept it to put on file. But John I lost it again, I was crying so much I was shaking, my GP was very concerned for me and suggested that he refer me to another psychiatrist but this time a female.  He doesn't seem to think that this new psych that admitted to hospital and I have only seem him since Feb this year for change of meds, is any good for me or my welfare.

So my GP is going to call this female psych and speak with her about me and my situation and try to make a booking.  I am hoping that she can see me sooner rather than later.

He now wants to see me again this Friday just to check in on me and then again next week.  He then goes on leave for a month and I will see another GP who I have seen before when my GP is away.  He also knows of my situation and will want to see my weekly to keep an eye on me and make sure I am okay.  I guess I am very lucky to have such a caring doctor who always goes out of his way to want to help me get better.

Yeah friends - I have lost a few and I don't know if it was my fault or not but I try not to worry about it but I do.

I went to work for a few hours tonight (4-7) and home know to a house full of adult kids who are giving me the irritates.  Although I should't complain because my 22 yr old helped with dinner and I made a big mistake by saying "oh it would have been nice to have salad" (we had chicken snitzel, mashed potatoe and vegies. You should have heard my husband go right off just because of my comment.

I am doing everything so wrong lately; I feel why do I bother to keep fighting, is it really worth it. 

So now I am feeling really down on myself; actually again I don't want to talk to anyone at home except for you guys on here. And do you know why - because you get it, you understand what a mental illness, how depression affects people.

John, I told my GP today that I am over all of this, I am over talking therapy about this, I have been doing this for 4 years. But I am no way better yet; I also have borderline personality disorder which i totally hate. To be told I have this at 48 is so damn hard to change my thinking/behaviour. It is so black and white, my emotions are so out of whack actually very high and takes a lot longer to come back down. But with therapy with my regular therapist I am trying - but I am tired.

My GP told me I have to keep going, keep fighting. I just get so emotional and wonder if it was worth talking to my parents after 4 years of not. They abandoned me and didn't want to know me when I told them of my memories of my abuse.

Sorry John, this is a long post

How are you doing?

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi John

I replied to you last night but it has appeared as yet, hopefully it will soon.  Otherwise I will re-type message to you

 Jo

[Mares73]

Dear John how are you travelling? Oh & yes Mares is short for Mary or as Neil calls me Maresy! Yes I know what I endured was harrowing but common. The worst part was writing an essay at school & the teacher calling me & saying your the girl in this story aren't you? I broke down & told her everything even that we had been put on antidepressants at 8 for bedwetting (another symptom of abuse). I made her promise not to tell but the next day I was called to Principals office & nearly fainted when I saw my parents sitting there in their one "good outfit". The Principal said to me she'd talked to my parents & I was so lucky to have them & my Dad had explained that I attention seek & probably made up the story for attention. She never questioned them-catholic school. I went home devastated wanting to die but I was punished badly for it by my Dad. You ask what I'd like to do. Right now it would be to run away. I've never had a time in my life I wasn't responsible for people. I worked sine 13, had a great career until my last assault. Now I spend most of time at home wishing I could find a purpose. Very isolated & miss using my brain. Actually I wanted for a while to be a ph dispatcher for emergency services-do you know if it's possible to train & get these jobs? I definitely want to work helping people, I've thought of that or being a paramedic-complete ccareer change. You may have some insight into options or types of roles in that area. I even thought of parole but couldn't work with people who'd hurt others. My psych strongly believes getting a new career will change so much as I have a strong work ethic & thrive working in high pressured roles-strangely that's when I'm at my best. If you have any advice re career in emergency services whether despatch or other I'd appreciate it so much. There's so much I want to ask you-guess I'll do it over a series of msgs. Thanks John X Mary

P's sorry not wanting to hijack your post but can I just say if Neil reads this I've been trying to reach him somewhere. Thanks again & look forward to your response

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for your post. I also think that writing down feelings is very powerful. To me it doesn't matter if I send them, just that I was able to put my feelings into some sort of order and then when I read over the letter, I know that it isn't me being crazy because the things I read make sense. I think it helps to confirm what you deep down already know, that you were wronged by someone and have a right to be angry (one of the stages of grieving) about it. I can easily understand how it can trigger a strong response when discussing it with your GP.

I think his advice to change psychiatrists sounds like it will be beneficial. 

If it helps, I've been seeing a psychologist for years (longer than you, even!) and although it is tiring at times, I find it does help. Just talking to someone that is not judgmental, as you alluded to, is very good for me. You mentioned in a previous post that your policeman friend told you to toughen up and move on. I can tell you that some cops even give that advice to their colleagues. Very few people are accepting of psychological damage. You'd think working with people that understand trauma would be a supportive environment, no! I, too, find people on here much easier to talk to.

So what do you do for a job? Do you like it? Does the canteen serve salad? LOL. If you can follow your GP's advice to keep fighting, I urge you too. I and others here will always listen.

Please don't apologise for the long post. As I mentioned to you in a previous post, this one is un-hi-jackable.

Me? I'm going okay. Have some physical pain from an old knee injury going on a bit lately and have to get stuck into the physio before it collapses. The good side of that is it means I will have to exercise more, which always helps my mood even though I hate doing it!

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hey John

Great to see your reply, I was actually happy when I saw your name on the post!!

John, I guess I am grieving in a way; grieving for the loss of my childhood, my innonence, me, I lost me. And I hope those guys suffer so much.

So what part of the grieving process is next - accepting, letting go.  If so, well how do i do that? This is the part that I am stuck, I don't really know how to do it - let go. I think I still have so much anger towards these guys. And then when my parents didn't talk to me for 4 years, I grieved for them every single day; i cried for them to love me; to help me, support me and be my parents. But now we're talking they haven't changed.

Interesting comment about the police force telling their co-workers in trouble to "toughen up". They just don't get it do they?

I really hope my GP has made contact with this new female psych. I am seeing my GP on Friday and he will tell me.

I think John you should see a physio for your knee, you don't want it to collapse and cause more trouble. Isn't it terrible when you get  older you feel every single twinge in the body!!

 John, reality has just hit me. I am nearly 50 and I am scared, I have not lived my life; what life; what kind of a person have I been; a terrible person who sufferred child abuse by not one guy but three. God this makes me sick, angry and emotional.

John, I didn't do anything wrong but then sometimes I think - god what have I done to deserve this, what have i done as a child to be sexually abused. Now I am losing it. It is so not fair, life is not fair, life sucks and right now I am so angry, i can't do this, I am sorry John I am emotional.

Do the guys want to know what it's like for me? do they want to know how i have been. do they want to know that i have tried so many times to hurt myself and thoughts of other stuff which I can't write otherwise it will get deleted.

I am so sorry John I think i just vented out so much anger and I should not do this to you. You are on here to help me and I apologise. Where is all this anger coming from?

I just miss my childhood, my life, my freedom, i miss my innonence, my dreams as a child, my memories of a child. I miss it all and it hurts so much.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hey John

I replied a little while ago but I think the moderators will be holding onto it.

I am sorry I ranted and raved and just went right off about the abuse.

I am sorry to you and everyone else - I don't deserve to be on here, my posts at times have so much anger and emotion that I am now lost for words.

John hopefully my post will come on, I am sorry

Exhaustion has set in - haven't been asleep since 2am and it's now 8.45pm. Was in hospital for 3 hours this morning for asthma. I am completely tired and i may have gone overboard with my rants.

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mary,

I am going well. As I mentioned to Jo, I have a knee thing going on at the moment which may require surgery at any minute if it gives out. I don't mind because the specialist warned me years ago it was inevitable. My patella (knee cap) is moving and I can possibly stall the need for surgery if I can build up the muscles around it. The problem is that it is a slow process because the usual exercises like walking and light weights are just as likely to set it off. I have to do water exercises and cycling. I wouldn't be so worried except that I'm taking my son overseas at the end of June and if it gives out before then, or whilst there, it will ruin the trip. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

It is unfathomable by today's standards that the school just dismissed you. Catholic school. Doesn't that system have a lot to answer for? I guess this was pre DOCS? Did you keep the essay? I know you know the story but the perspective of a child would be very powerful. It sounds like you need a fair bit of Mary time. Is it hard, or even possible, for you to drop out of the caring role for others? Even for a little while? 

Regarding job aspirations, I don't know what state you live in but they are probably all pretty similar. In N.S.W. The Police Radio has dispatchers and 000 telephonists. Because the state has multiple redundancies, there are radio rooms in various regional centres. There is also a 131444 Police Assistance Line. It is for non-urgent calls. Those telephonists are switchboard operators, transferring calls, but they also take reports of minor crime over the phone. The Ambulance Service also has “booking clerks” that are civilians, but they do all the hard work of taking the calls off hysterical people. 

One job that has interested me since I left the police has been in the NSW Ambulance “Patient Transport” arm. They are not medically trained officers that run lights and sirens to jobs, they ferry around people for dialysis and such and between hospitals. Even if something goes wrong, they just pull over and get on the radio and wait for a primary care ambulance or paramedical unit. It would be a low stress but rewarding job, I think. I also wouldn't mind being a wardsman at a hospital, just pushing patients beds around. Another low responsibility job. 

If you really like high pressure, the police radio is certainly that. It requires an ability to make quick, accurate decisions under pressure of time and with little information that is often fragmented. The ability to see a link between seemingly unrelated matters and form it. As an example, you may be working a radio channel and broadcast a description of a car for a crime for police to look out for. This is routine. What is not routine is remembering that a similar car was used last week on a different radio channel that you just happened to be working and being able to link the two and maybe improve the information, such as with number plate details or drivers description. Needless to say, taking 000 calls, particularly from people that are hysterical, or children, or maybe dying following a serious assault, is also demanding. Not routine, but it happens.

Anyway, if I can help at all, I will. Thank you for sharing your story today.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hey John

Are you still on here?

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

I am now, for about half an hour.

John.