I want to move on, my brain and thoughts won't let me.

[Jaster888]

I have noticed I have patterns and behaviours that never appear to go away. My wife and I were discussing our daughter this morning and that she has many traits for what we call ADHD. Whats interesting is how easy it can be to recognise behaviours in others and not always oneself.

I am in my 50's and for the past 20-years have struggled with living a purposeful life filled with meaningful work and a healthy social network of friends. If I am honest I have neither. I dont have any people I would call friends as I have consciously removed myself from those who were in my life. Work has been a disaster and I on good faith have networked extensively to find suitable opportunities and they never truly work out or I quickly lose interest. 

Last year I became a Christian, got saved, started hanging out with a few people from there and as always it faded away. I recognise that I have core areas that are not or have never been in true harmony and when issues arise in my work (which is my achillees heel), I go backwards.

Like I said to my wife this morning as lots of things came flooding to my brain, I just want to be at peace. My family situaltion is so complicated I dont have the energy or time to go there. I have been in denial that this is always under the surface and I dont know how to find peace with them all. 

The key pople who are all still alive and live within a 10-30km radius from me are:

Mother, Father (Separated), both married 3 x times. I have zero emotion or feelings towards either. 

Half Brother...also on his second marriage. He has 2 x girls (nieces).

Step Sister who I was very close to.

We are talking 10 - 15+ years I have had little to no contact and I know its crushed my soul. 

When so much time has passed and you (think) you no longer have any feelings for them, I often wonder why would I want to connect. To meand any old wounds? To clarify things? I would rather not and honestly couldnt care less if I saw any of them again while I remain on this earth. 

Frustratingly, I know I have not healed from the trauma connected to each and every one of them and I dont know what to do. Thanks for listening and reading this far if you stayed with me. God bless.

Whats interesting was when I lived on the other side of the Country and HAD a dream job and lifetsyle, I was way too busy and fuillfilled that none of these people mattered. Now I am closer I 

[Croix]

Dear Jaster888~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good place to come when worried or puzzled as others here will have had similar experiences and would want to help.

I guess reading your post I thought of two things, the first is that you are married and talk things over with you wife. You also have concern for your daughter. This does not sound like a person who is incapable of relationships or friendships, more like the people you have come across have not answered what you needed - which is quite OK.

You do not choose your family, and if contact has lessened or vanished over the years it does seem to indicate that you are expecting an unrealistic idea of how you should behave. There is no rule you have to relish being with many people, especially friends/acquaintances or family, and if you let them go that's fine. You still have your own wife and daughter to love and love you.

With jobs you say you feel that after a while you lose interest, or things do not work out. That may be true for more recent tihngs, however as you said yourself you had a dream job and lifestyle, which goes to show your capabilities and if something 'clicked' wiht you then your attitude and interest would be maintained.

As for trying to reestablish relationships with all other members of your family I would suggest if there is one who stands out more than the rest as a person you still miss then if appropriate try to regain contact. It may or may not work but could be worth a try - what does your wife think?

It seems to me you are not kind enough on your self and at least part of that  is holding yourself to standards that are not appropriate. 

I've probably not covered everything in your post and anyway If you would like to talk some more you'd be welcome.

Croix

[Jaster888]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for taking the time to respond and offering kind words of support. Lovely to connect. I did try to reply on the same day and had so many conflicting thoughts I had to step away. My emotions are all over the place from day to day and I amy doing my best to stay positive and not get too much in a hole.

My kids made quite the effort yesterday for fathers day which was nice. Frustratingly today I woke up feeling awful, for know reason at all. This is a weekly feeling of dread I have, knowing I have another day ahead to battle through on my own.

The more I listen to others stories the more I recognise that the majority of people have experienced trauma as a child and as young adults, prior to them becoming independent and living outside of the home.

Years ago I decided that you can't choose your family, however you can choose to have them in your life. I made a conscious decision to disconnect and while I feel the pain of not having 'family members' in my and our own kids lives...I do feel I have made the right decision.

Yes I did have a dream job over 20 years ago and have been trying to find something that gives me the same passion, satisfaction and purpose ever since. Upon reflection I can see I was chasing shiney objects and putting other peoples needs before my own. As a result I honestly havent a clue where to start again. 

My default has always been connected to the property industry which at this time is a mess on such a scale that I hate it with a passion. It brings me little joy and I know deep down I need to step away. 

I have tried to brainstorm all the things that brought me joy previously and what specifically about the work did I enjoy. Forever an optimist...I pray that over the next few months I can source something meaningful. Thanks for listening. I hope all is well with you and your own family.

Take Care. 

[Croix]

Dear Jaster888~

I'm sorry it has taken so long to get back to you.  You have been talking  basically about being at  loss how to rebuild what you had 20 years ago, and the things you have done, and the  people you have met in the meantime have not become a welcome part of your life -wife and children excepted of course.

I'm glad they made a fuss of you on Father's day, I guess it goes to show you are someone well worth loving. It is a real pity you woke up the next day wiht htat weekly feeling of dread.

May I suggest you start in a a small way and maybe build from there to discover life's good side.  I reserve a small part of each day of an evening and devote it to doing something I enjoy, from watching a favorite comedian on YouTube to reading a chapter in a favorite book. You no doubt will have an entirely different set of things to me , some of which you may wish to do with your wife and/or kids.

If you find difficulty in remembering what you enjoyed or at least distracted you perhaps your wife can remind you. The most important thing I feel is that itme is in the evening (so you can look forward to it during the day) and is fixed in stone, so there is no doubt it will happen. It is not being self-indulgent, it is training your mind that pleasant things happen and you deserve them.

Worth a try?

Croix