I'm glad I got help

[jimgoose]

 hi im jimgoose age 47 i am the youngest brother in my family.My Nanna Molly  was a part of the stolen gen along with her siblings.She was from  the yorta yorta people up near the nsw /vic border and was turned into a house maid.Nanna passed away when i was very young but my sister of 3 years older knew her very well. My cousin Jenny is an Aboriginal artist , has had a fair success with her paintings and knows my Nanna's story better than I.The rest of my ancestory comes from england wales Ireland etc.I have been thinking about ending my life for a long time and hid it from everybody well.I used self ending as an outlet for pressure as in if i went through with it id have no more worries.This gave me comfort until  about a year ago i started to plan  the act of suicide  down to the last detail.Finally i decided to tell my partner of  23 years about  my thoughts because i realised that i would be hurting others if i did it.My partner understood and told me i should get some help ,so i did and I feel a lot better. I still use ending it all as a cure for not coping with the pressures of life , but its like the doctor and cat team have wound the clock back a bit  thus giving me time.I also got medication which i don't like.Everything i did just seemed pointless and i felt like the entire world hated me and i was also a bit more delusional than normal.Im so glad i got help because i believe i may see my kids become responsible adults one day. This is my second post and i know im not alone here and i somehow feel like i belong again.

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[AGrace]

Hi jim,

Thank you so much for sharing some of your history and story with us.

I'm glad you feel more supported now, by your treatment team, your wife, and us. Mental illness is not something we need to go through alone. You mentioned that you dislike your medication,  have you spoken with your Dr about this? There could be other choices that dont cause you to feel the same way.

You spoke a bit about your sisters achievements, what do you do with your time? Are you working,  studying? It's helpful to have things to look forward to, both long term as in your children, and short term - something daily/weekly.

Ending your life would definitely cause your loved ones pain and suffering. This is just not an option. There are plenty of other choices instead. Going into hospital, calling Beyondblue or lifeline, relying on your CAT team, talking with your wife, chatting with others who can relate...and the list continues.

You said this was your 2nd thread, I hope to read many more.

AGrace

[jimgoose]

Ta mate your a rock.Ive only had a quick glance at 2 of your posts, got tears from  the fact that so many are struggling themselves but still have the drive to help others.

According my siblings  we had a great upbringing and i dont wanna spoil that memory for them.But out of the 5 kids mum had, only 2 of us had children,my oldest sister and I.I believe im doing a much better job parenting my 2 kids than my parents did for me as we know more in that field these days.

I grew up next to a foster home and saw some rough times for those  kids who were like brothers to me .1 of those kids who would be 49 yo by now had nobody to turn to and i feel guilty now about not supporting him enough.I as 10 year old also would have been powerless against the might of the guardians,but that doesn't stop me lying awake some nights.Needless to say we all became good street fighters as kids there was a constant struggle but we all got along ok last time we talked.But  there was a lot of things i didn't know about what those kids went through and i completely understand why they had behavioral problems.I Also think if the kid next door {who i admire for his strength}can  live through what he lives with,i should be able to cope with my minor problems in comparison.I was supposed to attend a session with the psychiatrist on Friday but was running late due to work wanting that little extra  in the afternoon as usual.So  i didn't get to ask about the medications side effects.Just talking about my mentalness has helped me immensely. I worry that if i did pass that my family would have my property taken away from them buy the heartless authority's.And i  have been struggling to make out a Will for years .You know the old cant complete anything because something is  blocking my path story.Ive put a lot on my own plate and now i cant finish the meal so to speak ,which is funny now that i can see it from the outside.im having a chuckle at my own expense now.Anyway AGrace thanks for supporting me and everyone else and i mean it when i say your  a rock.

[Sea-n-sky]

Well that's a relief Jimgoose.

So glad you came to BB and got that help you required.

It is clear you "Saw the Light" as a result of a most sensible decision to get help.

It also indicates to me that you are not a coward.

I reckon those who self harm do not in fact do that at all - what they do is just cause harm and misery to those closest to them.

Well done, - keep up the positive attitude.

That's a fine culture you are part of - and I sure do like some of those dreaming stories handed down from your ancestors.

Sometimes I think, hey man, what a wonderfull world they must have lived in.

Not only have you got yourself chuckling at yourself - You got me laughing as well.

Best wishes and good luck  in the future. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Jimgoose,

Thanks for your post, and for your openness and willing spirit to share your story. I am so very sorry to read about your Nanna Molly and to learn what happened to her and to realise it happened to so many other people from the stolen generation.

I'm wondering if the events that shaped your Nanna Molly's life have filtered down through the generations to affect how you feel about your life and where you fit in to society?

I'm now 50 and for decades I had no idea where I fitted in to society as a whole. I grew up in a small town where my Mum was known as the crazy lady with depression. Many times as a child, my two sisters and I would return home from school to find the house locked up and Mum not home. We had to wait until Dad returned from work before we could get into the house, then he was unable to look after us so we were fostered out as kids to other families, usually all in different houses, sometimes for weeks.

Other stuff has happened over the years, including five pregnancies and no live children. I too thought suicide was the answer, once you are dead you have no problems! But what is the cost to those left behind! Just having a loved one die a "normal" death is hard enough. I had a dear cousin take his own life and that action has destroyed his brother's life who now blames himself.

I am so thankful you are able to get help and assistance and that your partner/wife is able to support you as well. I hope your children do bring much joy to your life and you can see how worthwhile it is to be with them for as long as is naturally possible.

I'd also like to encourage you and your wife to make a will, my husband and I did, even though we have no children, we desire for what we do have to be shared around with both our families. My husbands sister thought everything would naturally go to her. Why I don't know. So a will is important, even if you live to 100.

You mentioned your plate was rather full at present. Can you make a list of things that are very important to you right now, deal with those things one at a time, then create a list of other things you would like to achieve or feel like you need to do.

My allocation of characters is running out! Wishing you and your family all the very best of happiness, health and togetherness.

Cheers to you, from Dools.