Fish out of water

[Asche]

Really, this is just whining compared to the legitimate grievances most people on the forums have, but it's been frustrating me for a while and I feel like venting. And who knows? Maybe it'll even be pertinent to others out there.

I've had depression for a good portion of my life. Almost half, in fact, although at my tender age that only rounds out to 10 years or so, give or take a few depending on where you draw the diagnostic lines. To give a little context, I had my first MDE and suicide ideations at 8, and it's been an on-again, off-again tale of whirlwind abusive romance with depression ever since. I spent the majority of those years undiagnosed; as a child I didn't really have the option, as a teenager I hated and feared everyone too much to drag myself to therapy (not to mention that damnable pride), and my parents are from a different age  and place, where the entire concept is foreign. I was finally forced to cave two years ago when the 3rd MDE hit during my HSC. 

It was probably one of the best things that could've happened to me. 

Thanks to a few lifestyle changes (university is several thousand times less tedious than high school and regular exercise is pretty fantastic as well) and a decent therapist, I've been making progress ever since. Sluggishly, slowly, yes but progress nonetheless. I'm still bonded to the black dog, but rather than trailing in its wake, I'm the one who chooses where I go now. It's still there, but at least this time round I'm the one doing the dragging. It can (and does) slow me down, but at least I'm moving forward now. I've seen the light of the tunnel and have for a good two or so months. I don't know if I'll ever get there, if I can ever get there, but I'm closer to it than I've ever been.

So why "fish out of water"?

I've been pushing my life forward and recently it seems to have shifted in a big way. I've always been on top of things academically and where professionalism is required, my perfectionism keeps me up to par. Like so many others, the social sector is where I falter. Yet these recent changes are forcing me to work on precisely that.

I've had depression for a long time. Anxiety too. They are old, malevolent companions, and I know how to deal with them. I know how to endure their influence and the pain they cause. I can move forward despite the burden they present, slowly but surely. For the sake of my goals, I can do anything. Will do anything.

But friends?

I haven't the foggiest where to begin.

[angelite]

Hi Asche  

Your story is full of hope and strength just goes to show that it is possible to find the light in the tunnel, which some days I really wonder if its possible. I'm certainly not   able to help giving information about friends as the only ones I've ever had are here. But l would like to thank you for being one of the first to respond to my post. It may have come two day and six hours late but you cared. I find comfort in your words and they gave me the strength to go on. 

Karen

[HA1]

Hello Asche,

A wonderful post and one that I can relate to.  But first, congratulations, as it seems that you have taken control of that black dog of yours.  Now that you are in control, it is good to hear that you are starting to repair the damage caused by its control over you.  I am constantly reminded that making friends and socialising is a huge part of my recovery.  I guess I am wondering, how can you teach an old dog like me new tricks.  But I am on the road - whether I really succeed only time will tell.  

However, while you express wisdom beyond your years, you are still very young and can do whether you set your mind to (as you have already demonstrated and stated in your post). So how to do it?  Some suggestions/points follow:

1.  Cut away from the norm.  For example, if you are about to complete uni, think about travelling overseas - backpacking perhaps.   The point of this is that you will come across new friendships.  Friendships that have no baggage with the past. No doubt you may need to carry a mask around for a while toy allow you to transition from the past to the now.  Over time, making friends will come easier as you meet more and more new people from new cultures. I have found that talking with people from a culture different to my own is much easier.

2.  Making friends in the work space will be easier than making friends for one self socially.  Burying myself in my quest for perfectionism in business, I found that I was focused on achieving results, and would do anything to get there - even talking to people with ease (and indeed public speaking).   Socially I still had no friends - ever.

3.  In another thread I have mentioned how I am trying to break the shackles and try and socialise and make friends.  In summary, I have forced my self to take up a sporting activity where I need to mix with strangers.  Hopefully this will lead to friendships, or at least socialising.  I also, have started to attend small dinner gatherings (or, breakfasts/lunches) made of of strangers and acquaintances. (My partner/carer is the ultimate social butterfly she is happily organising these.)

I can suggest other things, but will stop here, just in case I am way off track from what you are asking about.

Take care and l hope some of the things I have mentioned are at least partly helpful.

K

[Asche]

Karen! I'm sorry I haven't said anything recently; I was really busy with exams the past few weeks and the few times I checked in on the thread you mentioned the other members were being so great I didn't want to butt in. It's really great to see that you're doing better. I hope you have fun on your trip!

AOK, you were right on the money. I don't know about having wisdom beyond my years...my only real claims to fame are a high tolerance threshold and a tendency to excessively over-rationalize everything to emotionally disengage as much as possible. They have their uses from time to time, but the fact is that I am pathetically, woefully naive in a great many areas thanks to all the years I sealed myself away from the world. 

It's something I'm trying to change, but like everything else, the it's slow and awkward going. Hell, sometimes I find it hard to even look people in the eye consistently when I'm talking because I'm so used to the quiet company of books and my own thoughts. (Oddly enough, I have no great phobia of public speaking; it's intimacy that terrifies me, not people themselves. Small blessings...)

The point you make about cutting away from the norm is a good one; it's nice having a parentheses where you can be someone other than yourself, particularly when "yourself" is so often a mask...I'll definitely keep the idea of travel in mind, thanks for the tip!

And I'm definitely the same with regards to making friends professionally. It's almost less stressful because instead of constantly having to worry about what others are thinking you can just focus on doing the best you physically can on what you've been assigned and it's always easy to fall back on work as common ground when chatting with coworkers so you never have to commit too much of yourself (at least, not the more sensitive parts) to keep the relationship going.

It's funny that you mentioned taking up other interests: the current event that's bothering me is actually the uni's photography club (I'm a bit of a hobbyist). I've been a member for a while and recently the executive team's asked me to hop on board...it's a great professional development opportunity, but the expectations for intimacy have increased exponentially as well. Keeping people at arm's length's a lot easier when you only have to deal with them once per week; working with them makes that far harder. 

The dumb thing is I don't even really want to keep them away. I just don't know how to do anything else.

[HA1]

Hi Asche

A quick reply to one of your points before I head off on a long drive in the sun.

You are concerned about starting work with the photography club (what a fantastic opportunity!) because you are worried about working with others.  Off the top of my head, may I suggest the following:

Before you start with them (and please do start!), make a list of all the things you would like to initiate, change or improve with the club.  If you think everything is perfect, then put your thinking cap on and come up with something you may not have thought of before.  Make it a decent list (say 10 issues) of cross functional issues.  This will then enable you to immediately focus on the outcomes associated with this list rather than with the difficulties associated with people in the workspace.  It does not matter if the items on the list are not directly relevant to your role in the club.  Having thought about how to improve things will also demonstrate that you are serious about the club - they will be impressed. Try it!  It will assist you in transitioning across from your own space to a work space.

You have raised a couple of other points in your post that have drawn my interest.  But I will mull over those during the day while driving.

Have a wonderful day in the sun!

Take care

K

[angelite]

Hi Asche

No need to be sorry, I'm glad to hear that you have made it through your exams. You are always welcome to a marshmallow by the camp fire. I'm so grateful for the support I've been getting here. I don't see progress, still only managing hour by hour. I haven't come up with the answers yet so any input would be greatly appreciated.

Karen