First Post - Can't escape my past

[Andrew71]

I have a history of anxiety and depression that goes back to the age of about 13, and has led to some behavioural issues over the years. School and university were a struggle. Nonetheless, I a managed to make it through and achieve reasonable results, and that has led to some rewarding employment experiences, to this day.

I am single and live alone and I am struggling with the ongoing affects of something bad I did in the 90's and early 2000's. At the time, I was arrested and charged and given a suspended sentence. I had never been in trouble with the law before this time, and have not been since. But I live with the guilt of what I did every single day, and I am still subject to legal constraints, a life-long reminder that will never go away.

I live as a recluse and make no effort to bond with other people. I am only in contact with some family members and some very close old friends of which I have only handful.

I work alone, remotely from employers premises and only connect with them in person every few months. But I am well respected by my colleagues and highly valued by my employer.

But my life seems to consist only of working and sleeping. And I drink too much of an evening. The alcohol works as a good anaesthetic. I do not become loud and aggressive. I am very quiet and unimposing.

I just feel that my life is just a matter seeing out my days for the period of life I have left.

I live life like a prison sentence, and feel unable to pursue things I would like to do.

So just feel stuck in a rut at present. My past is not something I can easily open up about. It is a source of great sorrow and regret that I cannot escape.

[monkey_magic]

Hi there and welcome to life,

I believe that being remorseful, saying sorry, letting go of & learning from what u did is a fair thing to do. It's not something u have to hold over your head for life. We all make mistakes and it doesn't have to define your life and I also believe it doesn't have to make u feel guilty all the time either.

How about seeing it as a mistake, a past chapter, then recreating a new chapter- a fresh start.

Even those in jail get released back into society.

I would refrain from feeling sorry or being too hard on yourself.

Ever heard of a second chance?

Give yourself a second chance mate.

It sounds like you won't do it again so what do u have to lose.

Time to have a bit of fun, let the hair down, guard down , get involved in what u want to get involved in, do what will make u smile/ laugh.

You shouldn't be held captive by your mistake/ crime your whole life if you're not that person anymore.

Hope you get more responses. Good luck 🙂

[Summer Rose]

Hi Andrew

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

Nobody gets through this life without making mistakes, my friend. Like you, and like most people, when I look back on my life there are things I wish I had never done. Words I wish I could take back. And hurts I wish I could heal.

I am not perfect. No one is. And that's okay. What matters more than the mistakes I've made is the learning that has followed. It's how we become better people.

I am sorry that you are carrying such a heavy burden. I'd like you to think about what it might take for you to let it go and forgive yourself.

Is there anything you can do to make amends to whoever may have been hurt by your actions? Can you use what you've learned through this mistake to help someone else avoid the same mistake? Can you put some time and effort into helping other people?

The last question may seem odd but by helping others we often help ourselves more.

Happy to talk whenever you need an ear. Kind thoughts to you

[quirkywords]

Andrew

You can see my the two supportive replies you have had so far, what a caring community this is.

I can understand how you feel about your past but unlike you mine was not a legal thing but more a moral thing that still burdens me today. I have been told I will never be forgiven, so people have said to forgive yourself, but that is so hard.

I would give you the same advice the others have given you, to give yourself a second chance,to let it go and forgive yourself but I know personally how hard that is.

I appreciate the effort it would have taken to write your post and there will be others like me who can relate, so you are not alone.

I know you find it hard to talk about your past but have you tried to write a letter to yourself about forgiveness.

I have tried to write I a letter with all my sentences starting with " I forgive myself for" .

It may not work for me and I still think about what I did, but I find each time t I write this and I have done it several times, I seem to forgive myself more. I just start with something small at first then build up to the bigger things.

Just a suggestion that may not work.

In a way I have to learn to accept I will probably always feel this way but I can try to learn to live with that.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky