Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

[white knight]

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Yeah right, yep l want my next one to def' be the last too.

On another note l had one of the two wheels at the front type trike behind me for quite a stretch today and then he over took and so l was behind him for awhile.

l know they're a totally different everything to yours and it's concept so l'm not referring that style in any way , but man this one, wouldn't trust it far as l could kick it. He went over a bit of a ripple in the road while in front of me and that thing bucked all over the place the front end wobbled , didn't look too good at all thought it was going to roll or something for a second there. Another thing got a good look at it all as he passed hwy speed and he did not look comfortable at all, looked as if he was all squashed in, they're a weird machine aren't they those.

[randomxx]

Just wanted to ask something else and your views to if you wouldn't mind Tony, with your experiences. Stuff that's really been on my mind a lot lately.

Been thinking so much about starting over again now relationship wise, if l ever do from here , get the chance again.

I suppose vanning atm alone, everyone else l see are always couple up unless they're full time living there- been a few of those women and men , also couples. But doing this alone drills it all home even more so although l must admit, it had all been on my mind just as much anyway before l even left home tbh and had been all yr really bc we'd basically broke up last Jan. Anything since then with gf has just been chit chat really back and forth, few plans a few times looked like we might start up again but it never eventuated.

But ldk , doing this atm it feels like even if l did meet someone while l'm at it like this , she's probably won't be interested in someone wandering about in a caravan anyway. Even though l'm only taking some time out between houses but l dunno, women are very suspicious these days . At any rate it's either like this now or later maybe when l'm building or something but either way l just don;t know how to view things right now and plus it all really worries me.

l remember you went of and did your thing for you after your divorce and it all worked out well that's what l'm doing right now but l'm older than you were back when late 50s now and do l even get another chance, yaknow.

l know plenty have even much later than this and you got another chance with your now w back when but sometimes l really worry about it all in that area.

l suppose it's the first time l've been on my own since way way back before l even got married really, apart from for awhile after our divorce. l've always had either a gf or my w later.

l just don;t know, don't know how to shake the fear that maybe l've had my luck and plenty of it , maybe that's it , no more chances, not to mention l muct've been a absolute idiot to waste 5yrs and then some messing around with gf l was sure right through although l did have hope,,, but that she'd turn around and be doing all the stuff she has been later, could kick myself.

Don;t know how to look at it now though, the future , bc tbh l def prefer a coupled lifestyle and l'd really like to settle down again and into something like that after this but what if the luck has ran out.

l don't know how to look at any of it tbh.

Any suggestions ?

rx

[white knight]

That "reverse trike" is a CanAm spider. It has a v-twin motorcycle engine. Had a test drive of one, wasn't impressed.

Late 50's, the biggest problem is compatibility. For that reason if I became single now I would seek a long term friendship that could develop into living together. No need for marriage or combining finances. Someone that you see every 2nd or 3rd day and you get mutual support. 

Women aren't that interested in you living in a caravan. They're after what their ex wasn't... heavy drinker, gambler, womaniser, etc.

We've met 3 single women living how you are living now. If I was single would have been easy to ask them over for a BBQ. Also, lots of single women in small towns. Most towns have a Facebook community page where you can place a small ad.

Growing old alone is only fun when you have 2 personalities that have their own conversations...

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that Tony appreciated the thoughts and as always experience .

Could prob swing the two personalities, won't be much fun though.

Keep expecting to see some women around alone vanning there were a couple of living on the river back up where l was , l often wondered about their story but all the the ones actually living there seemed pretty gun shy and really kept to themselves , butttt, no one that took my fancy anyway so.

l'd love to bump into someone doing what l'm doing she;d get it , gfx couldn't even get it so l doubt anyone not would . You know when your doin something like this you kinda have these little dreams, fantasies ha ha, meeting someone or some local somewhere or something, sadly disappointed so far in that department unfortunately buttt, song ain't sung yet l suppose.

l am starting to wonder wth l;m doing though. And investment lm waiting on is doing crazy right now though and technically l'm actually making more last few mths than l would be home working so this was the idea. Plus the tenant at my cabins moving out soon so idea was to just enjoy all this and have a well earned break while all that hopefully falls into shape but got a good few more mths yet, 4 ot 5 min. That times side of it is making me wonder just lately about all this and tbh , worry a bit. But then life works better if you just let it all go for awhile anyway right, do your thing, enjoy. so l keep telling myself anyway.

That fb thing sounds like an idea wish l knew how to use the thing in that way l've only got one fake acc l was using for business so if they check that out they'll  be suss right off anyway as there's nothing identifying on it.  Spose l could make some adjustments and make it real d even k how to do any of the real fb stuff though anyway like meeting people and things.

Did join a date site last wk, bit of a browse,. hard to know what to do about location though, on the site l mean. l used local here but there was one or two in other towns like Bendigo and whathaveyou l'd love to contact tbh. Long way from here for them though, nothing to me with understanding that l'm just doing this right now and it's just for now. But they won't even answer a like anyway as most of them seem to have a 50k max thing on their pages, some of them even only 10. dreamin.

l hope compatibility isn't a thing but then in the end it was with gfx.  l do just really click with some women though always have , maybe right one right place n time now , who knows l guess eh.

Thanks as always Tony.

rx

[randomxx]

Reading that back this morng relieved to see it makes some kind of sense was pretty tired doing that one but just wanted to get some stuff out.

l've always had beliefs in life that if you do what ever's right for you at the time, the real you, the genuine you , even if it's a situation where maybe you had no choice and so you did what you've thought was best, or maybe you did have a choice and have taken what you believe to be the best path- then life and the Gods, universe can do it's thing naturally and hopefully what's right for you in return will come, can happen, in the way it was meant to. l've had this many times through life and if all is the real, things have taken their shape as it's felt they were meant too- if you can just release any anxiety, fell self assured that whatever it may be your following that path bc for whatever reason it was to you best at the time.

l felt l didn't really have another option before leaving, much thought, and also that something like this would be the most sensible thing l could do, just stop for awhile, just be, relax, before jumping into some new direction, a place or love or whatever it be. Let things l need to wait on right now just do their thing and take their shape, meanwhile, enjoy myself for a bit take a damn break and to hell with it all.

We see l suppose. lf only l could hold that train of thought but it all flows in and out.

Gfx and l have still been chatting a bit but l've let it roll bc l've felt like some company anyway- things have def' ran their course now though just of late and l'm feeling like it's time to just move on, unsavable, unworkable, anyway. Not that l've let it go on in hope, although maybe a litttle of that hovering underneath it all too but pretty well resigned, her to l think.

l like the idea in a way of what you were saying about a sort of part time thing too, relationship, with our own time still in the mix. Also swore after divorce l'd never mix finances or property again either so l'd be more than happy with hers is hers and mines mine, too.

Side note, had to shift van out into middle this morng and sit it here till 2 or 3, 37 today ha , bad timing, batteries completely down though so giving it a good hit of the good stuff for awhile's best way to get him happy again.

Was out all day yesterday and left everything on bugger. Normally do get enough where l'm parked and with a shade mix thrown in at the best time of arvo  but lights were flashing all over the place this morng on the old system, she was not happy after yesterday.

Don't use the put out there panels too much work l reckon the other thing is when your on the road battery gets such a great full on hit and that tops it up really really well.

Thinking l might also grab a second put out panel though too now bc l've had to do this a few times from other slips but if l had one of those as back up l could just put that out instead l guess.

Beats me how some of these rv's turn up sit in the shade 4days and still have power, could have a built in gennie too maybe.

Met a guy the other day 70s been vanning since 82 he said, bit of classic. He was heading down to Tassie from here. All his stuff was funny though had a ute full of gennies more panels and the kitchen sink so he prettywell had it all covered.

rx

[white knight]

Hi RX

I was lucky enough to score the best a Yamaha 1kw for $1200 in Ballarat but normally $1800. Honda second best of them all. I dont know how many times I've had cloud for 4 days and gradually the battery has gone flat. The Yamaha purrs along very quiet and so little petrol. Easy to store and only 12kg.

It is indeed good financial times if a investor. We havent seen such returns for a long time so we are happy also.

Funny how when I was in my early 20's after the AirForce how girls would always pick the wrong sort of guy, gamblers, alcoholics, even those that assaulted them, yet I found it hard to get a girlfriend in Melbourne. Adelaide where I was posted was easy, the young ladies were easy to talk to and date. Melbourne was totally different. From when I was 40yo onwards these old friends that married the wrong guy had divorced them and were yearning for a man without those bad traits but by that time freshly divorced myself I wasnt interested lol. Eventuall yI met a lady I ended up spending 10 years with, we combined finances but she held the purse string too tight and was a terrible step mother which broke me spirit. One day she said "well you better move out then" thinking I wouldnt... "well I've already rented a house around the corner can you help me shift"?

My current wife of 13 years was my best friend for 25 years. We had married siblings, in fact I was best man at her wedding and had matched made them. We both ended up single and then married. She is "mum" to my daughter as doesnt see her narc birth mum my first wife. All good there with that daughter.

I think about my youngest daughter I dont see, but like your ex GF it is unworkable and in my case she inherited her mothers toxic attitude. No hop there but still hurts.

I'm getting my trike back from my engineer tomorrow. Very excited, can paint the frame, install electrics, cover the roof. 3 months I'll be riding again to shows .

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Wow , tom hey , man you won't sleep tonight but ain't it a beautiful thing.

Painting the frame too , what a great place to begin l know you don't see all that much of the frame on some bikes but eh , it looks bloody beautiful when you do right.

Back later

[randomxx]

Eh Tony.

Nice score that one eh.

Tbh l feel really bad even with investments at the moment and rarely mention it bc it's become such a haves and have nots in this country. My poor d can't even find a place to live and  just ,start life the whole situation is just criminal, feel so bad, so many struggling.

interesting the Melb Adelaide thing,, wonder if it's still like that. Don't want anyone from Melb that's for sure don't mind driving a few 100k but l'm not hanging round in that place anymore for sure.

Was almost heading over to Adelaide d's been over there but she had to head of as wasn't feeling well but l'll get to that spot one day ha ha,

Lotta damaged girls out there these days mate l found out after my divorce aand my sisters weren't shaping up too well either.

l don't mind problems and l'm happy to support and also to receive but there's problems and then there's problems isn;t there. like gfx,

Sitting under a tree today, that was my day , and a damn nice one it was too, watching the van fry out in the sun getting a charge up. Gfx called, and she was all emotional later saying goodbye,  l didn't say it but felt like it, your always same story baby - all this love yet next day or next, it's another total  flip. So l def don't want another of those.

Very sad stuff too if she wouldn;t treat your kids the way she should, to hell with that .

My ex w did all our money, she was pretty good though, too fair or soft if anything bc l was a master spender back when, really needed a leash.

Gfx wanted to handle the money and my business end and she'd be bloody good at ir too she's not on an accountant but also just really really good with money. l need this you see l can't have money but at the same time no way l was handing that one over she just had too many other traits. Not so much about ripping me off to this day she still has the biggest heart l've ever seen , just er stability side.

So sorry about your daughter Tony , and such a shame. They are out there though even my d had some tag alongs back in school days, just not nice girls full stop, Wonder if she started out that way or the ex helped it along. Thankfully from d one ex w and l made ea other priority in my d's life and still do.

Nice answer you come up with anyway man , l can see her face.

That trikes gonna be turning some heads at the shows then too eh, it

ll probably havee the whole place all standing round admiring.

Noticed there are people living here too they're just down the river further but come in and out of the main part. There is one lot just over in treees from me too. Never see anyone there but there's a van and a few tents.

Gees Swan hills a damn nicce llttle town isn't it, great center, so easy.

[randomxx]

ps, what do you cover the roof with btw , was wondering ?

[randomxx]

ps . Good luck picking up the trike Tony.