Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

[white knight]

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[randomxx]

God this spot is heaven l can hardly believe what l went through down river. lt'd get too isolated where l am long term but l welcome it for a few days after the other nightmare.

Don't even need to put my shower curtain up ha ha, l'm just 50mtrs from the car park toilet and taps but there's bush.

Funny thing talking those curtains Tony. l made this shower ring on the side just folds out. ld ea was when your set up put the curtain back on and your good. But the curtain just blew everywhere so l discovered a couple of beach towels hung over it just right and don't blow about , love a simple fix and a little win.

rx

[randomxx]

ldk what to think and feel about the situation with gf atm.

lt's been troubling me a lot bc 1/2 of our convos over the last mth or two were in messaging and things she's said were different to the way she'd explained it when we'd just been talking over the phone .

What's been itching at me is just a few wks ago she said in messages she loved me from the start and "still does" .

lt's the still does part that turns everything now on it's head bc that means it is the right kind of love and that hasn't gone anywhere, it's still there. Thing is l feel that too but l'd just always struggled with letting it out and showing her, letting myself give into it. Self preservation, l couldn't trust her side.

She's been married a few times plus other relationships but she just had this kind of walk away feel about her, a sort of give up and walk away edge about her l just couldn't allow myself to risk giving into.

Well, where she said she does still love me problem was but she just never felt my love and she was right but for me that was why.

l might've been wrong, l didn't know, but my guts usually right and being in something new at this age l needed to feel it all and that she'd still be around thick and thin, she was all in. That was my thing but with her history and sometimes in things she'd say and attitudes, it just never seemed like she'd be the type too really make a go of it no matter what.

So lately l've thought well she's proved that right , but then earlier she did try and try with me and she did persist over and over even wanted us to try cancelling. She always said 5yrs would be it though but she then still wasn't feeling my love and she was right l was still holding back. That's a long time for her to not be feeling my love surely, and it was hurting her a lot.

Would anyone keep trying like that ?

Me on the other hand l had this sort of opposite 5yr thing, subconsciously really. But l'd felt 5yrs if she was still persisting still around still feeling love then it would be real and l'd be able to give into it meanwhile though her deadline and she's giving up.

l've thought all through this, if we could go on from here l'd see what l needed now bc she'd still be feeling it and persisting and so she'd then be feeling and seeing what she needed from me too and it could work out.

lt doesn't feel right leaving it now and especially after everything we've been through together, someone new or starting over, and the fact that we're obviously still stuck on it bc she messaged me last night.l knew she would bc l've been feeling it too.

Tbh , l talking to my brother the other night, 25yrs with his gf, they've had so much stuff, also been 3hrs apart through 15yrs of that, yet here they are. No way she'll quit on it or them, he wouldn't either .

rx

[randomxx]

ldk

l'm stuck midway between all that stuff on one hand and the what if, but yet on the other, she proved me right really and has quit.

[white knight]

Rx

The whole concept of brainstorming is to, hopefully lead to a result, one way or the other. Stuck there though, without progress can be gutwrenching. So what's a good way to move forward?

Questions- not asking questions seems to be a common problem nowadays, it leaves you to figure out things on limited information.  Couples also get bogged down with parts of each of their personalities that doesn't gel. Included in all this is lack of insight into their partners needs, being "in love" can be anything from obsession for physical attraction (lust) with little knowledge of how that person ticks to full on "in love" that covers all facets. The worst of these is being "in love" and being incompatible.

How serious is being incompatible? Well one can enjoy heavy metal music, the other folk. Solution? Headphones. Easy. But other differences are harder, one wants kids the other wants cats, one wants to live in one state the others yearns to go home 1000km away. More common now is to worry about incompatible issues down the track- big mistake and when kids are involved the hurt triples and continues for decades.

So, write down all your questions you have for her. Take notes on her answers and how serious she's taking them. This is far more problem solving than "I love you and still do"

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that Tony , v good idea too really, as with that ex of yours that wouldn't say yeah or neigh to marrying , suppose that sorted that one for you right there didn't it.

l will do that and write things out as you say , actually thinking if l did, she probably has answered them l'd just need to get my questions straight.

Although things aren't always that straight forward with her bc for one she's got v bad anxiety but 2ndly, she's from the Boltics region won't say exactly where but they're famous for very flighty busy thinking. She ducks weaves and darts off every turn one convo's usually like 10 in one same with answers and ideas, it's a classic, as a pain it can be sometimes too.

Funny l know it was just an example but music yeah, her music being from her home country, sometimes we'd be driving down the hwy couldn't believe what l'd be listening too, always cracked me up.

But we're a weird mic compatibility wise if we were 20yrs younger it'd never work bc the differences would matter.

But at this age our main thing these days is that we both just love to daily live exactly the same, which is huge for me,  we think and view life in general, people, all kinds of stuff, in all the same ways too. That can all be huge stuff if it doesn't align can't it.

She does have some weird and pretty cold blooded relationship views though and that's never agreed with me.

[randomxx]

Just on the caravaning life , gees yaknow. lt's a shame for people in general, it wasn't a more excepted type thing with the way housing is in this country now.

My daughters been looking 12 mths, 12mths, for somewhere to live, it's heartbreaking.

But yaknow, really, a caravan can have everything you need and be such comfortable living can't it. l think l more prefer coming home to this thing lately than l did my house. To top it if you can live in setting like the Murray or coast or bush, or just about anywhere, for free. And so easy to look after l was working like a dog with my old house but this, it's a pleasure.

At any rate, been tossing up the water thing. Too much trouble taking the van somehwre every five minutes so l bought a 25ltr drum today, there's a tap in town l can just fill that up anytime. Mind you, 25ltrs is pretty damn heaving isn't it so l'm thinking maybe l can just leave it in the back orrr, fit a draw bar plate , at least then it'd only be down from the tray of the ute, onto the draw bar.

Anyway work in progress but l'll have to go back and have a re read of what you were doing with it.

rx

[randomxx]

Hi there tony.

Just wondering , having you ever been vanning alone for any length of time, like mths or yrs ?

So far l;m just finding the feels and emotions all over the place, highs but then lows.

l moved back to my old spot just today, about 3k over from where l had to escape to last wk. But l've rode the bike over to here a few times since looking for a better spot , something away from any future wkend fireworks , like the last. Some of the others here are tucked up into the bush further back, but spot without monster tree limbs over hanging but that also gets a bit of sun for my solar, is a tricky combo. But the overall spot is just gorgeous so l hoped if l could just find a better position and hopefully l have and should be pretty safe for anymore crazy wkends now.

felt so nice getting back to here, really like it round here bc my other temp spot l'd gone too was isolated and often pretty lonely.

l find the feel good waves go from highs to lows and loneliness though so much and are usually short lived. Then you might wake up to a beautiful morning or have a great cosey sleep or who knows, and feel good about it all again.

l find the main thing hits me is loneliness, with gf and l broken up properly again now calls have stopped , messages . Though l talk to me d and a few brothers, ofc gf was different and there was much.

But l also don't know yet what l think of all this. Sometimes l think how lucky am l on a good day, others its' wth am l doing, l traveled far more the most in younger day enough , l don't need this, l'm over travel stuff

ldk, l'm all over the place. Can't go home it's sold, don't wanna go into another property until about hoping mid next yr, and it's been a helluva few yrs, l wanted escape and a damn good rest. Well l got that. And the vans as comfy as any house anyway really, it's wonder people even bother buying houses and then there's all the work and huge costs, a vans unreal , minimal , very comfy, very little if any work, and cheap as .

ldk , so many waves .

rx

[white knight]

Rx

5 times in my 20's I took off from western subs of Melbourne into the bush with the intent never to return and isolate myself from all humans. Each time I had a motorcycle and good ones at that, so to plan to abandon them as well, live off the land and avoid humans all pointed to depression etc. Each time I'd last only days and return. No skills to hunt and if I did I had a squeamish stomach from my days as a prison officer. The last time I returned it dawned on me, a country life, take out of country society what I need and imagine the city didnt exist.

So I never returned to the city however I'm within 2 hour and my daughter that we visited on the weekend is in the outer suburbs east side so along the tunnels and Monash we towed our van. That about as much of the city I can handle.

So in reference to your post I found a country living location preferable and sensible. A hospital, supermarket, medical, bakery etc, no more than 5000 population. Within 45 minutes from a country city best thats near the coast.

What caravans dont provide is a feeling of foundation... for me our home is a castle and a van misses the mark. For those that cannot buy a home they make the compromise on the road and I'd do the same.  But its making do with a gypsy lifestyle. If I was alone? My MIL passed 3 years ago - parkinsons at 75yo. My wife has the shakes so we wonder if she'll get it also. So the conversations sometimes centre of what we'd do if one passed, what would you do?. I used to think I'd sell the van and buy a mobile home and tow a trailer with my motor-trike in it. But, no, I'd likely do that but keep the home as well. Having a base is chalk and cheese but is subjective.

I certainly relate to your loneliness when alone. But facebook and cheaper phone calls now fill that gap well. I'm 68yo so wont be meeting someone else if Debbie passed on. We dated when I was 53yo, known each other since I was 30yo. What I'd yearn for is good solid friendships so if left alone I'd travel around and visit them. Most are in Tassy so thats where I'd head for in the summer. But around 50yo is still a good time to meet someone else and settle with them, as well, falling in love again is a great way to shed any fixated memories of your last loved one. Only then do you realise how good the new one is compared to the last one, that compatibility can be more ideal and joint interests more easily shared.

My last relationship (10 years), she wasnt liking my trike idea so my cousin and I toured Victoria and one town a cashier said to me "what a nice looking motorbike". Spontaneously I said "I'm touring around, want to come with me" (a joke). She said she'[d meet me at a park at 5pm after work. So we met and clicked immediately and she told me that if she didnt have her teenage son she would have come with me straight away. So that was all in a 20 minute chat. She wanted adventure and had been beaten by her ex. It wasnt realistic us getting together but it made me realise that there are so many people out there that are compatible... not just our ex partners.

My 2c. 

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Funny isn't it , only with a nice click could that've followed so easily eh.classic story.

Had a funny one today myself actually. Having a swim bath in the river, do have a shower on side of van but it was a bloody hot day . Luckily the current stole my soap again so l was done, look up and here's a dozen canoes going past but one was over right beside me. l do take shorts for my swim baths ha ha. Butttt, that one had two nice looking ladies in it and we start talking. Bloody funny really, having a bath in the Murray and end up talking to two ladies in canoe.

Alas, damn current, even though they stopped paddling soon took them too far awyway voices fading and that was that.

[randomxx]

But yeah, l am a relationship person do much prefer that life so hopefully there'll be someone else yet.

ldk. GF and l yeah there were a few probs and she def' had a few, but she should have wanted to keep together, we had huge good things too.

l was so damn cautious with her in that way saw her tenancies and traits day one buttttt, maybe as you say then she isn't right then is she so hopefully someone that is might come along yet.

Bit like the trike even thought about date sites locally here while l'm around, say that l'm caravaning though, never know l spose, might find a trike girl too ha ha.

You could've have put the house van thing better Tony , pretty well how l'm realizing l feel too. All this was mainly about some time out first of all and escape for awhile. Hoping until mid next yr give or take it'd be perfect financially and plus some time to think about areas, both for d and for me. l'd like an hr or 2 out of Melb too but maybe inland this time. Can't afford a town ld like on the coast anymore. D would prob go outa Mlb somewhere so there's that too.

The guy renting my cabin is suppose to be moving soon so l could always go back there for a few mths on the way too if l felt like it , clean it up and onto the market.

Thx v much as always Tony anyway, appreciate your experiences too and especially knowing too that after your ups and downs especially relationship wise , well here you and your wife are, beautiful outcome.

All the best

rx