Who’s the worst kind of abuser? A person who sexually abuses
a child over a number of years? A person who is physically violent over a
period of 4 years?
Or someone who victimises a person over 25 years.. Bullies
them. Shatters their self esteem with cruel taunts that you’re useless and un-loveable.
Someone who also tells you that you’re fat and physically repulsive for years
and years - relentlessly. Someone who sabotages your happiness and your
relationships with taunts of “They don’t
love you, they’ll just hurt you too, you can’t trust them, they’ll find out all
about you and they won’t want you anymore, you don’t deserve love”. Someone who
tells you to stay in abusive relationships because that’s what you deserve. Someone
who makes you binge eat because they tell you that you deserve to be fat and
then makes you feel so ashamed for bingeing that they then force you to vomit
until you’re heaving nothing but bile. Someone who sucks your energy with all
of this abuse so much that sometimes you just don’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes
you just don’t want to open your eyes. Sometimes you wish your eyes had never
opened to begin with.
The first person was a relative. The second person was an
ex-partner. The third and by far the worst was me.
I would like to put an end to being a victim of my own abuse. I couldn't control some things that have happened to me, but I believe I can start to control how I treat myself. I am going
through counselling and now publicly (even if it is anonymous) speaking out for
the first time, this is the beginning of my journey to end the abuse. Other people
may have left me with wounds but it’s been me that won’t allow them to heal. I
don’t want to rob my days of joy any more.
