Staying well

Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask)

replies: 12

I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20 years and have 3 children. I pur... View more

I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20 years and have 3 children. I pursued an education in order to better my life and familes and have a fairly successful career in government, lets say development. Through the timelines I have had several breakdowns, in which I eventually sought help from a GP and was on medication for 12 months with therapy (depression and anxiety). It was good to talk at therapy, however it did not really close any doors in my mind and medication made me feel vacant which is not a good idea when your in a public position that borders on tony stark style performances. I did not divulge my illness to my family (except my wife) or employer due to the stigma. It is unfortuate but the choice was to maintain a career and an image that I had worked at for years. To meet me you would think that I was outgoing, chatting and have a laugh, however I can maintain that composer during an episode when on the inside I would be a mess with tears running inside instead of out and go to peices in the car on the way home when no one was around. My experience with the illness has been living with a horrible inner voice, in which you learn as time goes along to identify when it will appear and how to control it. It is not unlike the term used by Winston Churchill ie living with a black dog...it is always their its just working hard everyday to keep it at bay/happy. How the depression came about is not easy to pin down, however I was raised in a disfunctional middle class family where my mother was an alcoholic. Jeckle and Hyde type. As I grew up I had problems with anger and empathy that resolved themselves, in which I formed a persona of the comic. A school teacher remarked once that I would not eventuate to much and my class mates thought I would be a comedian. This changed when I was a young man from finding love, losing love and entering a dark destructive world of alcohol and drugs. That ended after a few years and love was found again, in which I completely divulged myself in that environment and also concentrated on creating a new me. Professional, charismatic, helpful, good conversationalist etc. Running a performance with a prominent career made the wheels fall off a few times, however each time this was suffering in silence. The stigma of mental illness can destroy careers, especially a public servant/consultant as you can be held up like a knight at times. A mask was formed over the years, cracks appeared from time to time, however I also became a good actor/commelian. As mentioned, I haven't shared my illness with my parents, however I think they know deep down. They are elderly now so I do not see reason to present such a thing. My sister is an ageing drug addict who fried her brain along time ago and my brother I think has demons as well, however he presents the mans, mans persona. My inlaws think depression is crap even though they are both walking basket cases who need help (don't get me wrong I am very fond of them). My wife is an angel. She is aware of my illness and how I live with what would at times looks like two personalities. She keeps me in check (we are opposites). Those that live with the illness are aware of what I say when an episode appears ie you drive to work in tears every second day from self doubt voices running through your head or anxiety from being overwhelmed by to many tasks and responsibilities. However, the show must go on, you clean yourself up, tell your mind to stop it and you are great at what you do why else would you get asked to do it etc. Create positive re-inforcement. The downside to the illness for me is the distraction it creates. It is selfish as you end up living at times in your own void/world and you are not even aware half the time that it is happening. You shut yourself off from people and you find everyday conversions boring. One thing I have noticed over the years though is you can spot a fellow suffer easily as similiar characteristics become evident, especially for those that operate like an actor. I had a boss in a place I worked many years ago who was a sufferer and he was in a very high level position and he was an actor. He confided in me which is unusal for an executive level boss to do as he identified that I was as well and he made me aware how he survived. Down side was he abused alcohol which ended up destroying him as he would not get help due to the stigma. It still saddens me today when I think back as he was a lovely man. I had a friend approach me several years ago when they identified that they were a suffer and I gave them advice on how I survived. I did make them aware of the stigma for my reasons not to air my story outside of my home. He made all his firends aware of his illness and employer which has made him lose most of those so called old friends and his employer systematically found a means to get him made redundant. We still maintain a strong bond which I must say is one of the best you can have as it has the blokey flavour and also confidence which most men struggle with. The mask works for me, it is not perfect, it may even be unhealthy, however you have to remember their is a purpose. I put up the good fight daily from remembering what would be left behind if I was gone, and that is not fair and very selfish. I am of the mindset that this is a work in progress, like a painting that could take 20 years to finish. I am finding that my mind is having to now refocus on the little things as they have been missing for years ie smell the flowers, listen better to my children and give time out to myself ie play golf, exercise and join a club in order to meet and get involved with a vocation that can give meaning. Its not everything, but it is enough for now. I hope this provides some normality to others in their routines. ie your not alone.

Your "other side" you might not know you have?

replies: 2

I've written a manuscript I hope to get published one day. It is a true account of my time between 1977 and 1980 as a prison officer in the notorious Pentridge Gaol. Surviving in a gaol as a sensitive 21yo man was simply not possible.So automatically... View more

I've written a manuscript I hope to get published one day. It is a true account of my time between 1977 and 1980 as a prison officer in the notorious Pentridge Gaol. Surviving in a gaol as a sensitive 21yo man was simply not possible.So automatically I developed "another side", a man that fitted into that black uniform much easier, one that got on well with other officers and was able to carry out my duties like any other officer. I knicknamed him "Anthony" Knock off time and Tony would return. It occured to me this morning, what if you were in a trade/profession like call centres or sales and you had to carry out your work when in a depressed or anxious state? A publican, a shop assistant.How could you survive? Surely you'd develop a similar persona to enable you to remain in your job? I'd like to hear from anyone that has. Back to the gaol. I can recall internal arguments between Anthony and myself. One time there was a tragic event and I was in charge of that tier. Anthony yelled at me to 'disappear' as he knew I couldnt handle the real life drama. I did. I stood upon the upper tier with tears welling as Anthony went through the process of handling it all. A few years later within 6 months of each other I was present when a person had heart failure. Again Anthony came to the rescue, instantly carrying our CPR and thankfully they lived. To be frank, had Anthony not existed I dont think I could have handled those situations. So, those with mental illness, do you have another side? Is there another side that you are unaware of ...a mask worn daily? And the BIG question- can you utilise that mask to your advantage to fit into society and the workplace? I know in my last job (I'm retired) when I boarded my car in the morning my mask was put on immediately and taken off when I arrived home. No one that I had contact with during the day realised the real Tony. This was after 90 jobs spanning 40 years. 85 of those jobs I left because Anthony wasnt allowed to exist...I got rid of him in 1980 when I left the gaol job. I didnt like Anthony, he was sometimes nasty, manipulative and confronting....yeh no wonder he fitted into the gaol workplace. Now that I'm retired I dont need Anthony anyway. But in any workplace he would be handy. Can you don that mask to be another person at work returning to your normal self at will? I'd be interested if you can. Whether it takes a toll on you and whether your outer phony shield breaks down at work exposing your true self.

Your environment- its effect on you

replies: 3

Maybe I'm on the wrong tram on this. Maybe its because I was a country kid that was forced to grow up in the city, the western suburbs of Melbourne. Every year at xmas time we'd fly over to our relatives in Tasmania. We'd cart hay bales storing them ... View more

Maybe I'm on the wrong tram on this. Maybe its because I was a country kid that was forced to grow up in the city, the western suburbs of Melbourne. Every year at xmas time we'd fly over to our relatives in Tasmania. We'd cart hay bales storing them in a barn and milk cows. Collect walnuts from my pop and nanas tree, set rabbit traps and avoid snakes. Then late January I was back in the city. Talk about Mars to Earth and back. But I didnt realise the negative impact the city had on me. Finally in 1982 after touring the country in the RAAF and many jobs I purchased a bock of land in the country. I didnt own it for long but I realised when I visited that 20 acre block, that I was destined to live in the country. I found peace there and in the end it would prove (for me) that it was an essential part of my ability to maintain managed sanity. But alas, for many years financial pressure found me back to the city. I found the city too artificial, its concrete, bitumen and smiling faces flooding my brain where I could not determine trust nor fantasy. A place where you live on the edge of falling towards homelessness or rising to greatness...all depending upon luck...or bad luck. Eventually I found myself, in desperation, living in a country town of 1100 people but I had no work there so was forced to commute 90 minutes one way to the edge of the city. Take my word for it...45 minutes is the maximum you'd ever want to drive one way and you'd need a small diesel car for the task. One day I got a job nearby my country town.Then I could finally live and relax in my chosen environment where all the stresses of city living wasnt there. No parking meters, high rates, greater risk of crossing the road, less road rage, a slower pace all over, local shop keepers knowing your name. wow. Then the odd casual job carting in hay just like I did as a kid. When we try to get that "mix" right, you know, that one of therapy, regular doctors appointments,the right medication and a stable and supportive family and friends, we cannot forget our environment as one of the key components of our "formula" to recovery. And if this move was to have financial benefits then that would be a bonus.I've long advocated for those with depression to consider the possibility of giving up work, at least full time as the strain is too much to withstand. If you do consider it, look for a town 2000-4000 people enough for all the facilities. Just consider the benefits. Have to go now, gotta feed the Rosellas.

Confidence- how do you get it?

replies: 7

Patience and confidence have something in common- you cant buy pills to get it. So when someone says "have some patience" you just try to go slower or wait longer but you really dont "grow" patience do you? And when someone says "be confident within ... View more

Patience and confidence have something in common- you cant buy pills to get it. So when someone says "have some patience" you just try to go slower or wait longer but you really dont "grow" patience do you? And when someone says "be confident within yourself, you have every reason to be" you try, you look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am ok, good looking and proud to be who I am". But are you then confident...straight away? I dont think so. So how do you get confident? ok, take a hobby. Say building model airplanes. You build one then it crashes. Then another and another. You join a local model club and get tips from others, learn all about charging batteries to what type of glue to use, fuel to use, etc etc. One day a few years later a younger guy turns up and you can see he needs help. You are now level with the others in the club in knowledge and ability and you offer to train the new kid all about the hobby. This will result in you growing in confidence. But remember I said "years". It is never a quick process and growing confidence is usually a case of the download of being an expert at something or many things. I've met over confident people that are expert at only one thing, it could be politics, craft, carpentry, mechanics, plants etc. These people are often not confident in other ways like knowledge of relationships, geography, mathematics etc. So these people, expert at one thing are restricted in confidence. You see them fire up at a BBQ when you ask them what they do and they can talk forever on their chosen passion or work but otherwise sit back and keep quite. I used to tell my daughter to be worldly like me. It was sort of 'tongue in cheek' comment but in fact it was true. Due to my several mental illnesses I couldnt hold down any job long term. So went from job to job, bought and sold cars, travelled Oz willingly and dated more times than I drank soft drink. This wealth of knowledge that came with my exploits made me "worldly'- confident.Sure, at a BBQ if the topic is overseas travel, I'll be the quite one. Never left Oz and dont plan to.But on many topics I can comment. If you dont have confidence then a range of experiences will be good for you.Pick anything you havent done and do it. Sports, change your job when you can, study another subject, study mental illness (that will put you in the elite 10% lol) ..ask questions. When your knowledge grows so does your confidence. And your cant buy that knowledge. It's priceless.

That moment u wake up from deep sleep...

replies: 4

And don't remember anything from the day before. I like that feeling of starting again. What happens after that moment, can coloured my whole day. I'm going to run with it! I can start afresh. And hope for right now, to improve from whatever was befo... View more

And don't remember anything from the day before. I like that feeling of starting again. What happens after that moment, can coloured my whole day. I'm going to run with it! I can start afresh. And hope for right now, to improve from whatever was before. The ups & downs of my bipolar 2 are quite mysterious. I'm a different person than I was last week. I'm seeing things clearer. Let's hope it sticks around a bit longer this time. If those challenges do come my way again, I need to be more prepared & be easier on myself.

Ending the abuse... and starting to heal

replies: 3

Who’s the worst kind of abuser? A person who sexually abuses a child over a number of years? A person who is physically violent over a period of 4 years? Or someone who victimises a person over 25 years.. Bullies them. Shatters their self esteem with... View more

Who’s the worst kind of abuser? A person who sexually abuses a child over a number of years? A person who is physically violent over a period of 4 years? Or someone who victimises a person over 25 years.. Bullies them. Shatters their self esteem with cruel taunts that you’re useless and un-loveable. Someone who also tells you that you’re fat and physically repulsive for years and years - relentlessly. Someone who sabotages your happiness and your relationships with taunts of “They don’t love you, they’ll just hurt you too, you can’t trust them, they’ll find out all about you and they won’t want you anymore, you don’t deserve love”. Someone who tells you to stay in abusive relationships because that’s what you deserve. Someone who makes you binge eat because they tell you that you deserve to be fat and then makes you feel so ashamed for bingeing that they then force you to vomit until you’re heaving nothing but bile. Someone who sucks your energy with all of this abuse so much that sometimes you just don’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes you just don’t want to open your eyes. Sometimes you wish your eyes had never opened to begin with. The first person was a relative. The second person was an ex-partner. The third and by far the worst was me. I would like to put an end to being a victim of my own abuse. I couldn't control some things that have happened to me, but I believe I can start to control how I treat myself. I am going through counselling and now publicly (even if it is anonymous) speaking out for the first time, this is the beginning of my journey to end the abuse. Other people may have left me with wounds but it’s been me that won’t allow them to heal. I don’t want to rob my days of joy any more.

As dark as things get, it will get better

replies: 7

Hi i thought i would share my story briefly , i have had undiagnosed since an early child/adolescent im in my mid 30's male and have finally hit a major wall in my mental health issues.my depression has affected my work relationships and well been fo... View more

Hi i thought i would share my story briefly , i have had undiagnosed since an early child/adolescent im in my mid 30's male and have finally hit a major wall in my mental health issues.my depression has affected my work relationships and well been for many years not knowing how to deal with depression and the stigma attached i tried bottling it in i found myself changing jobs and moving around to try and figure out why i was always so down , the past few years i turned to drugs and alcohol the combination of bottling up my mental health issues and intoxication of drug use lead my two serious offenses . this was the 1st time in my life i had ever been convicted for any offense and it was extremely out of character and something i will regret for the rest of my life . this caused me to lose my job and my friends luckily my close family have supported me getting help and understanding what steps in life led me to where i am now. i urge everybodysuffering from mental health issues to talk openly about what your going through and not to bottle it all in, seeking professional help and having time to reflect on my health state and hearing from others about there depression has giving me a clearer mind state in dealing with my own depression, i thank everybody who has opened up to share there story and are grateful of organizations such as beyond blue. i have a long road ahead in dealing with my depression and dealing with the repercussions of committing two offenses and rebuilding my life over, i know i have to try and stay positive and turn it all around . dont let your mental health issues turn your life upside down seek help and as dark as things get , it will get better

Starting life afresh after the black dog

replies: 1

I first accepted that I had depression 12 months ago. In that time it has cost me my marriage, and 2 jobs. That said having separated from my wife, I am now in a happier place emotionally and I have a better relationship with my two kids. I have more... View more

I first accepted that I had depression 12 months ago. In that time it has cost me my marriage, and 2 jobs. That said having separated from my wife, I am now in a happier place emotionally and I have a better relationship with my two kids. I have more energy to interact with them, and I get angry with them far, far less often then I did previously. So from that perspective things have improved, and I will take that over my marriage. This may sound cold, but I think a lack of understanding and support from my ex led to my depressed state becoming as severe as it did. So, I am at the age of 40, starting life afresh. This is challenging, but in a healthy and better way than previously. I am meeting new people and building healthy relationships with friends of my own. It took me some time to accept this, but I'm glad that I have, as I am better than I have been in years!

Talking is only the first step

replies: 2

I think the ABC did a great job this week raising awareness of depression and anxiety. I found it both compelling and confronting. Many triggers as I identified with people in different stages. Especially seeing ECT live. One issue that frustrated me... View more

I think the ABC did a great job this week raising awareness of depression and anxiety. I found it both compelling and confronting. Many triggers as I identified with people in different stages. Especially seeing ECT live. One issue that frustrated me was the shallow approach of "if you talk about it you will feel better". I see it that if you talk about it that is the first step to getting help. Not an instant fix. They only brushed over the concept that many diagnoses take many years to reach and then even longer with trial and error to reach a treatment plan for each individual to manage their illness. And they can be managed. Although I am quite well at the moment, these shows took me back to the dark places as memories. Am I alone?

Can these forums cause depression?

replies: 8

Hi everybody, - It's me Having defeated depression, I joined this web site to promulgate the good news and manifest what worked for me in achieving that victory, I have regrettably come to a conclusion of paramount importance, which must be conveyed ... View more

Hi everybody, - It's me Having defeated depression, I joined this web site to promulgate the good news and manifest what worked for me in achieving that victory, I have regrettably come to a conclusion of paramount importance, which must be conveyed to you all.Although many of the postings, are enlightening, and must be enormously beneficial to members one way or another, I see a very clear and distinct downside to it all. That downside may in fact, completely negate the benefits which these forums must offer to many.Depression is a serious matter, and in so many cases promulgated through these forums, the stories are heartbreaking, distressing beyond comprehension, and by association, downright depressing.What kind of country, indeed society, are we living in, that permits such misery to manifest itself across a nation, and in all probability, global spectrum ? I feel confident it was not the intention of this website to drive people into a state of depression, but I take this opportunity to caution you all, I feel, that could be happening to some persons "out there".I submit, no decent normal human being could fail to be saddened and severely distressed in reading some, indeed too many, of these threads.Unless you are “hard and thick skinned”, armoured plated against human emotion, then you should seriously consider staying away from these forums, as I feel the risks of the onset of depression may be unacceptably high.It seems to me, in laymans terms, depression is "infectious", spread widely through the pages of these forums.I now ask, are these forums becoming as much a part of the problem, as their potential to contribute to solution ?There is no doubt that some stories are saddening, beyond the limits of normal human acceptance, and may contribute to the onset ofsuicidal thoughts in some persons, through despair at the knowledge of the sufferings of others within our society, particularly young persons. There goes, a tragedy of unprecedented proportion.That’s what I feel.That’s why I submit this posting, as it would be grossly irresponsible not to.Prior to joining these forums I had some knowledge of mental illness, but no comprehension of its extent within our so called “society”. Bye Sea-n-sky.

Pinned discussions

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

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All discussions

Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask)

replies: 12

Your "other side" you might not know you have?

replies: 2

Your environment- its effect on you

replies: 3

Confidence- how do you get it?

replies: 7

That moment u wake up from deep sleep...

replies: 4

Ending the abuse... and starting to heal

replies: 3

As dark as things get, it will get better

replies: 7

Starting life afresh after the black dog

replies: 1

Talking is only the first step

replies: 2

Can these forums cause depression?

replies: 8

Staying well

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members replies: 715

Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask) replies: 12

Your "other side" you might not know you have? replies: 2

Your environment- its effect on you replies: 3

Confidence- how do you get it? replies: 7

That moment u wake up from deep sleep... replies: 4

Ending the abuse... and starting to heal replies: 3

As dark as things get, it will get better replies: 7

Starting life afresh after the black dog replies: 1

Talking is only the first step replies: 2

Can these forums cause depression? replies: 8

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

replies: 715

Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask)

replies: 12

Your "other side" you might not know you have?

replies: 2

Your environment- its effect on you

replies: 3

Confidence- how do you get it?

replies: 7

That moment u wake up from deep sleep...

replies: 4

Ending the abuse... and starting to heal

replies: 3

As dark as things get, it will get better

replies: 7

Starting life afresh after the black dog

replies: 1

Talking is only the first step

replies: 2

Can these forums cause depression?

replies: 8