The first step ... always the hardest. A different approach

[CAG]

I have been battling severe depression for over a year now. I know that the most important part of recovery is to want to change, embrace the change but most importantly to initiate the change. Nobody can do this for you.

I have tried lots of different things but with all the things that go with this condition (lack of sleep, anxiety, etc) it seems the harder I try the more I retreat.  I feel guilty if I stay in bed and force myself to get up and do something... a lot of times I don't succeed. I feel good when I achieve things. Failure does not exist in my head and I look at it as say 80% successful.

I live alone in Brisbane and many "friends" have abandoned me, except 2 that stick like glue and check on me daily. I am in no way concerned about those others and I've jettisoned them as excess baggage I don't need.. it is much easier to fly that way. As they say true friends are the ones right there doing it rather than those asking what can I do.

My focus is solely on the critical path of recovery. I research extensively and challenge things when I need to. I recall after my first session with a psychologist who said go on an SNRI AD. I asked how he worked that out in 45 minutes as I do not believe shoving a pill in my mouth is the first option... and from experience it has led to a whole bunch of other medical issues to battle as well.

CBT is a common tool for treatment. You generally have some idea about you and what the problems are. I am not critical of it but I do not feel like psychology 101 textbook pathways help.  Everyone is different and when empathy is shown it builds trust. Advice is what we humans seek when we probably know the answer but don't want to confront it.

This is not a negative post, it is my experience. What I think will help me the most is to find a friend in the same boat so that we can row it forward faster together encouraging and supporting each other. If you don't try you will not succeed and also if you don't ask the question an answer will never arrive.

 I am incredibly determined. This will not beat me and I wont quit. If this concept works for you please get in touch.

I am single, 48, gay (irrelevant), intelligent,logical and loads of common sense.

If this post creates some inspiration for you that makes me really happy. Altruism is a gift but I have learnt now to focus it on myself first, not last.

Smile... despite what you think sometimes.. you do not own all of the problems in the world 🙂

[white knight]

Hi CAG, what an inspirational post.

I get you, I read you. I'm constantly trying to inject positivity into poster here. I've conquered  most of my ills with medication, lifestyle changes and the right supportive partner.  But I fall flat at times and wonder where I'm going to get the energy to rise above life itself. Thankfully those times are rare now, rare enough that I can go on BB and offer help for others.

My wife and I have a friend. she visits once a week for several hours. Every time she arrives she has a huge problem....to her its huge. Last week it was that one leg from her couch broke, this week her landlord asked her to move a small amount of firewood from being too close to the house. She has mental illness issues too and we are tolerant towards her. But inside at times I scream...wondering how she'd cope if she had half the problems we have or the poor buggar down the road has.

I also share you process of eliminating many so called friends from your life to keep the ones that matter. This has been an important process for me as I've found that lowering the number of half friends also lowers chances of abuse especially from social media. All this shapes our lives to protect it, increase the quality of person we are in touch with and therefore makes for a better life of less anxiety.

I am interested in your comments to do with psychiatrist and other medical help. It doesnt work for everyone. But I've found the balance of spirituality (mainly from Maharaji, Delai Lama etc), correct diagnosis (so important), loving support from those that matter and positive lifestyle change. And internal change with self motivation.

Thankyou for an inspiring post.